Woman upset husband goes on 'solo' trips with 'dear friend'; internet is suspicious.
'AITA for being upset by my husband’s solo vacation travel?'
I (40F) have a wonderful, loving husband (40M). He is an involved father, he pitches in with the housework, and he makes enough money for us to be very comfortable while I stay home with our two young children. (I worked before kids and intend to again once they’re both school age.) He’s the love of my life.
He’s wonderful - when he’s here.
He has a dear friend living in a different city 5 hours away, who he usually visits for 2-3 days twice a month. A few time a year they tend to take longer (4-6 day) trips. It adds up to a lot of time away, but it’s in manageable increments and in service to an important friendship that I wouldn’t want him to miss out on.
Last Fall they took a 2 week trip abroad. I knew about it well in advance and was fine with it. I figured it was a one-every-few-years sort of thing.
A month or so after that trip, he tells me they’re planning another overseas trip for this Spring. This time, it’s a place I’ve always wanted to go; we had previously started to plan a trip there ourselves, but decided it would have to wait until the kids were older.
I told him I wasn’t happy but somewhat grudgingly gave my blessing to what was supposed to be a 7-10 day trip. Same goes for another 5-7 day trip abroad they decided to plan for this Summer, again to a place we had previously talked about going together when kids are older.
And then I found out that first the Spring trip and then the Summer trip had ballooned into 3 weeks each. I got upset. I cried and told him I felt betrayed and abandoned, like he was leaving me here to raise the kids (both trips will now cause him to miss significant kid-related events he knew about before planning) while he just goes on doing what he wants and living his life without me.
He found my response really hurtful, that I would act like he’s abandoning me and the kids, and said that he deserves to have meaningful friendships and see beautiful things.
Am I being unreasonable about this? I feel like I might be, because I haven’t done a good job balancing parenthood and my own social life (I basically don’t have one anymore) and worry I might be speaking from a place of envy than fairness. And we do also take other trips together as a family. But two months of international travel in the span of a year seems like a lot.
And when you also add on the bi-monthly hanging out, that’s about 4 months out of town with his friend. (I can count on one hand the number of solo days out I’ve had in the last 3 years with any of my friends, and so again I’m not sure how much this is envy vs unfairness?)
Note: I haven’t yet insisted he cancel any of his trips, but want to ask he at least scale the summer trip back to 1 week instead of 3. So bonus: WIBTA if I insisted he scale back the summer trip to 1 week?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Agreeable_Hour7182 writes:
Let's be real: This isn't 'solo' vacation travel. This is travel that leaves you behind. There's a difference.
You're NTA, but I do think you're not facing a harsh truth. This 'dear friend' is more than that. He has a live-in nanny and housekeeper who lets him to take off and travel whenever and to wherever at his leisure.
Use his time away for a month to secure a job and nanny, then file for divorce and custody. I wish you well.
He is living a double life. As I started reading this, Brokeback Mountain is what popped into my head. NTA.
WriterParty3586 writes:
Same. What loving husband and father is going to go away so much to spend time with his “friend” especially to places his wife wants to go and during important events with his children. He is only thinking of himself and his and his “friends” needs.
NervousOperation318 writes:
My thinking was he’s not seeing the friend at all and it’s a cover for another woman. My dad spent a similar time away from our house when I was growing up….because he had a whole secret second family. OP is NTA in the situation but she’s kidding herself here. This isn’t a normal amount of time to spend visiting a “friend” for a man with a wife and kids.
NumbersMonkey1 writes:
My vote is for a whole second family too - they think he travels for work, but he takes long vacations with them, talks to them at night and sees them as often as he can.
I have a secret wish to see his travel photos, just out of schadenfreude and to see how he intends to explain them away.
meanoldelady writes:
This is what I was thinking too. She needs to hire a PI. There is more to this “friendship” than meets the eye.
Environmental_Art591 writes:
Gay or straight, emotional and/or physical he is having an affair.
Normal-Height-8577 writes:
I did the maths - this guy has always spent at least 50 days a year absent from his role as husband/dad, and with the two three-week vacations(!) is now planning on spending somewhere between 90 and 114 days with his friend every year.