'I want a divorce after 9 months marriage, but I'm being told this is immature.' HUSBAND RESPONDS
"I want a divorce after 9 months marriage, but people are telling me this odd and immature."
I don’t know if ages are required or relevant here but I’m 29 Husband is 29 His colleague is 36 Her husband is 34. My husband and I have been together for 4 years. I love him very much even now that I want a divorce I still love him. I found out about 3 months ago about his colleague when I visited his office and she was there.
Apparently they have been working together for 5 years and they’re very good friends and yet I never heard about her until I saw her. Something didn’t feel right at all. Now I was paying more attention to his texting habits and yes he does text her almost every evening and a few times a day in weekends or when he’s working from home or on vacation.
I asked him why I never heard about this good friend of his and he said we rarely talked about work since I never understood his field. I hate playing games so I told him it was still odd that I’ve never heard about someone who he is on daily contact with. He gave me his phone and said that they haven’t been on daily contact constantly but it came in waves when she’s having troubles at home.
I read their conversations and it’s a lot of joking around. Calling each other cute names. Her complaining about her s%$ life (jokingly). Her asking intimate questions about me. Her asking if I threw a good birthday party to him (his birthday was in on June 14th:
this text stuck with me because he was texting her at the party and she answered “you must be bored at your own party or you wouldn’t be texting me instead of being with her (me)”. I told him that I didn’t find this back and forth texting appropriate and I considered it flirting. He was taken aback but said he would stop if it bothered me so much.
A month later it has started gradually again and I showed him that I wasn’t happy about it. This time he came home with HER to let her reassure me that nothing is happening between them. She was very ironic and disrespectful (according to me, thats her sense of humor according to him).
She was smirking and basically telling me that if I had low self esteem and felt threatened by their friendship, it wasn’t her fault. When she left I told my husband that I never wanted to see or hear anything from or about her anymore and that if he would rather have her as a friend than me as a wife, that he should say so. They stopped texting.
We had a 3 week’s vacation and we spent it in Santorini. She probably texted 2-3 times a day. He answered her at the end of the day when I was in the shower or something. When I asked him why he said “she had marriage problems” I asked him if he was a marriage counselor on top of his career and he just laughed it off. When we came back home from Santorini we still had one week of vacation left.
We went for a dinner and a movie (she probably knew because she was at the same restaurant later) we exchanged hello’s and she asked if we wanted to join them. I said yes. She was very pleasant and asked about our vacation. Touching my husband in a “friendly” way. I then asked how it was with them because I’ve heard from my husband that they were having marriage problems.
All three froze. Her husband asked what? Who said that and I answered that it was my husband who told me. My husband tried to explain with some dumb excuses and I said but you showed me the texts she sent every day about her having problems but that I was sorry if I got the wrong idea. She looked very angrily at my husband.
When we got home he told me that I was out of line. I had enough by then. I asked him if they have slept together and he said only once before he even met me. I told him that I wanted a divorce because I’m thinking they’re having an affair. At least an emotional one. He denied it and called me silly wanting a divorce over texts with a friend.
Now I’ve been thinking about it for 2 weeks. And I’m adamant about my decision. I want a divorce. We’re not fighting but I asked him to move to the living room and I have refused intimacy and any type of physical connection. I spend more time out of the apartment. Work, work out and long walks. I spend a lot of time in a library or the movies (alone) and when I come home I’ve already eaten dinner.
I just take a shower and go to bed. I have spoken to my mother about everything I’ve written here. She thinks I’m making a big fuss about nothing. And my in-laws have heard about me asking for divorce from my husband and they also think I’m making a big fuss.
I haven’t told anyone else yet because I’m not prepared to hear how immature and rushed my decision is. He has tried to talk about compromise. Stop being her friend, marriage counseling and even find another job or move to another city but my guts are telling me something is very very off and that marriage shouldn’t be this hard, especially this early.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Was she already married when they slept together?
OP responded:
I guess so. I couldn’t find when they were married while googling her and I don’t want to ask my husband about it
Never mentioned the other woman, an apparently close friend and coworker, until they met? Bad start to the story then it just got worse.
OP responded:
I thought that too. He’s known her for 5 years and me 4 years and yet I never heard of her until 3 months ago. Someone so close to him that she could openly discuss her s$^ life with. NO!
xpy25-90 said:
Trust your gut! It's your relationship. People will always criticise or judge for your decisions but at the end of the day... it's your life, your happiness and your peace of mind!
FakingItSince93 said:
I commend you on not giving in. Don't. If he's playing games like this this early on, even with a full cut off of her, there's no telling what would happen later. And, despite him trying to play innocent, these ARE games. His reaction after that dinner together proved it. He knows exactly what he's doing and he thinks he can play you for the fool.
Don't listen to your mother or anyone else about trying to belittle this situation. It's safer you have a divorce now while there no big stakes to be dealt with(children, big property, etc) than later where things will be messier and more difficult to recover from.
Mountain_Monitor_262 said:
That was a boss move in front of her husband at dinner. Yes, your husband and his co-worker are having an inappropriate relationship that he is lying to you about it. He should have gave that woman up a long time ago.
She definitely is after your husband. What’s holding him back is hers. You are not wrong. Trust your gut. Her husband probably doesn’t know they slept together either . She obviously misses sleeping with yours.
dutchyardeen said:
I want to tell you that you are heard and you are correct. You do need a divorce. This isn't immature or rash. He's been betraying your marriage for months. That's reprehensible.
Your husband is having an affair with this woman. It may not be physical at this point (although I think that's likely) but the emotional affair they're certainly having is cruel. He knows that this behavior has impacted you negatively and he continues to do it. Dumping this ahole is 100% warranted.
As for your mother, she's a terrible person. Imagine wanting your child to stay in a horrible marriage! Awful! Flat out tell her that if she wants to be in your life, she needs to be supportive.
And gurlwithdragontat2 said:
So here’s the issue, you have asked him to cut contact with her and he didn’t think that was enough so his word doesn’t mean much here. The fact that he is fine lying to you, HIS WIFE, to maintain contact with her makes his priorities clear. You’re not wrong for wanting your partner to put you first.
I would suggest you really examine what you truly want. It seems that is divorce, so I think solely focusing on that path and making it happen in a way that is least mentally/emotionally taxing is the move forward. I am very sorry.
OP's husband found her post and posted this: "My wife is leaving because she thinks I’m unfaithful with my married coworker. I’m not. She wrote a post here that went viral."
My wife is leaving because she thinks I’m unfaithful with my married coworker. I’m not. She wrote a post here that went viral And now she got all the reassurance she needed to believe that she’s doing the right thing.
She’s the kindest, gentlest, funniest and most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. And I’m all hers. I love her and I’ve never loved anyone like her. I’m hers mind, body, heart and soul. Everyone who knows us is shocked. Everyone who’s seen us together and been around us is saying that she’s lost her marbles. Yet she trusted internet strangers to tell her I’m bad news.
Here's what people had to say to OP's husband:
Environmental_Ad4781 said:
If you're the one that continually lied to your wife about talking to your ex-lover then she's not wrong to leave you and I say this as a licensed marriage counselor. She does not have to stay with a partner she can't trust.
Here me one and all. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CATCH SOMEONE CHEATING TO HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE TO LEAVE. LOSING TRUST IS ENOUGH OF A REASON TO LEAVE!
secondunit7 said:
You the dude who brought home the bitchy married coworker to gaslight your wife? The one who continued to text the coworker even after she told you it was making her uncomfortable? The guy who slept with this married coworker before your wife met you? Yeah, dude. That’s a nope from me.
And [deleted] said:
You're really here trying to gaslight the internet. Wow dude. You let your "work wife" (emotional affair partner at the very least) feel comfortable enough to
show up at your homelet you bring her to your home. You brought her in to gaslight your wife. You deserve this divorce.
After her husband shared his post, OP responded to some comments on her post addressing her husband's post and how the situation has unfolded .
One commenter wrote:
"I know you’re not changing your mind, but what’s he done so far to rectify the situation? Has he cut her off or not? Is he telling her all about his problems with you since apparently they bonded over that. Has he told her husband that she cheated on him with your husband?"
And OP responded:
He’s not doing anything to rectify the situation. He’s just denying any wrongdoings. Not even acknowledging that he was enjoying her friendship and/or the attention he’s getting from her. Thats not the way to solve problems. You at least confess to a lesser charge to be credible. He’s panicking and begging and it’s hard to experience because I’m not heartless and I love him and I hate seeing him in pain
Another commenter wrote:
"Is he still trying to win you back?"
And OP responded:
Yes, he is panicking and very distraught. I feel sorry but I can’t help him. He must understand that this is over and the best way to do it is to be firm💔
Another commenter wrote:
"You don’t think him leaving the job and blocking her with some counseling is worth trying?"
And OP responded:
I don’t want this type of relationship tbh. I don’t want to be the one telling him this is wrong. I don’t want someone who doesn’t take my feelings seriously until it’s too late either. It’s the most difficult decision I’ve ever taken and it hurts so much because I miss him but sometimes we need to take difficult decisions
Another commenter said:
"She set her boundaries multiple times and he still violated it and even gaslit her. That’s enough"
And OP responded:
I don’t want to have a husband who can’t see how wrong keeping a friendship with someone you’ve had history with from his gf/wife for years is. And I don’t want to have a husband who doesn’t do right until everything is lost