'AITA for not quitting my job over colleague's crush?' Updated 3X

"AITA for not quitting my job over colleague's crush?"

I (32/f) live with my partner (44/m) and work in research. My primary colleague (30/m) and I have worked together for ~2 years on a major project involving significant intellectual and labor contributions from us both. The project is expected to span at least another ~2 years, and is vital to both of our careers.

Not long ago, my colleague confessed to me that he is, and has been, infatuated or in love with me for pretty much the duration. It took place via a long email that was written after an evening of drinking. This was totally unexpected - in retrospect there may have been some signs, but nothing that wouldn't just as easily be accounted for by a considerate personality.

Shortly after this confession, I came to my husband with the issue. I wanted to get his advice about the situation, and showed him the drafts which I'd composed to organize my thoughts on the matter - they stated unequivocally that I'm not interested in a romantic relationship, and hope these feelings won't complicate our work together.

I was again surprised at my husband's reaction - he seemed offended, to think I must have invited my colleague's affections, and that I should immediately quit my job. As in, put in notice tomorrow. I was so taken aback my immediate reaction was to laugh / snort at this suggestion, which was probably a mistake.

That would be utterly disastrous for my career, and isn't an option I'm willing to consider. I'd greatly prefer the entire scenario had never happened, as a difficult and lengthy project hangs in the balance, but I have no real concern at this point about my colleague forcing the issue or letting it compromise our work.

It seemed like an intoxicated 'getting my feelings off my chest'. I'll need to put a lot of thought and caution into how I proceed with the work dynamic, but abandoning our project isn't even on the table.

About a week has passed. My husband has been alternating between irate and the silent treatment, and suggested several times that I should move out of the house to be with my 'new spouse.' Today I swung by the house on my lunch break and found the locks changed and my luggage on the patio. I have been blocked on his work number and cell.

Obviously he cannot possibly intend for me to really move out, and is just pulling (what I absolutely believe to be an assholish) power sulk - but seeing how seriously he's taking this has my doubts up. Maybe I was ultimately too uncompromising when I refused to even entertain quitting my job for the sake of conversation and his feelings, and to shut the idea down so abruptly. AITA?

Edit fronm OP:

To clarify: colleague was out drinking alone, and sent me the email while I was at home.

I'm weighing my options regarding HR; my company takes any kind of harassment very seriously and while I don't want to jump the gun, I agree I might ultimately end up needing a mediator. I'm somewhat concerned about the possible extent of colleague's drinking, and how it might affect our work down the road, for him to have written such an out-of-character email.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Therahl1 writes:

Good luck with your marriage. You are most definitely going to need it. And I mean it. Good luck.

runronarun writes:

NTA!!! You know what my husband did when he thought my colleague had a crush on me? Made a joke and it became an inside joke between us. I continued working I’m with him for a couple years until I decided to leave for unrelated reasons. I got along with my colleague and had a good working environment. I think I would have laughed too if my husband asked me to leave my job.

Thechellbob writes:

Age difference was a red flag from the jump..NTA. but your soon to be ex is. He's insecure as hell.

Update 1 from OP:

Hubby called me. Long story short he's been extremely anxious each day when I leave for work, and buckled from that pressure today. I'm 'welcome back' home once I've quit my job, which is obviously still unacceptable.

I am considering taking a week of accrued paid leave, which will hopefully result in an adult conversation with husband (as well as coming to a decision about how to best handle colleague). That failing, I'm hearing the word 'lawyer' loud and clear throughout these comments! I'm grateful for all of the support and perspective.

Comments from Update 1:

KitchenCellist writes:

Op, your update is troubling. Why would you be OK with being 'welcomed back' into the home that you own? Why would you need to burn through a week of leave just to have an adult conversation with your husband?

How you handle your colleague is 100% your decision. Why are you trying so hard when your husband clearly does not respect you? It sounds like he has you jumping through hoops. You are trying so hard to keep these people from having to suffer the consequences of their actions. Why?

Prudent_Coat8988 OP responded:

That's a good question, and one I'm asking myself. The stress I'm under at work is enormous (my field is extremely competitive and this is a make-or-break type of project) so I think my instinct here is to people-please and sweep as much under the rug as possible due to my limited bandwidth to deal with more stress or anything which might complicate the project.

However, as many have pointed out - the project has already been complicated, and the cat is out of the bag with husband's issues.

_Ping_- writes:

INFO: how long have you been married? Normally age gaps in marriages I wouldn't care about, but I see all too often on this sub that there's a significantly older spouse who thinks they can control their significantly younger spouse.

Prudent_Coat8988 Op responded:

We have only been married for four months (after 3 years of dating and one of cohabitating). This is our first 'big' fight since our very early dating period.

Update 2 from OP:

I ended up calling my sister (38/f) - something I avoided initially because I didn't want to 'stir the pot' by involving family members who are already disliked by husband. I'm currently with her and cousin (35/m), who are both supportive.

Our plan is to call a locksmith tomorrow (to regain access to the property - husband can ruminate with friends or at a hotel for the present), for cousin to collect some important things of mine from the house, and for me to stay with my sister for a few days while I take a hard look at my situation and options.

I'm not set on divorce at this point, but I definitely need to re-assert some very basic boundaries before exploring further discussion with husband. Thank you, strangers on Reddit, for helping me emerge from the emotional haze with some clarity.

Comments from Update 2:

Icekingloves writes:

My ex would act the same way. Not by changing the locks but hed be soo offended if anybody besides him showed even the slightest interest in me. 5 years later we broke up because I found out hed been cheating on me for 3.

After the break up he admitted that he thought guys hitting on me meant I was obviously flirting with them because that what he would do at work. He was projecting.

discboy9 writes:

I mean I see why your husband could be anxious. That's somewhat understandable I think. But the way he is going about this is very concerning, and might well be reason enough to get a divorce. Be safe in any case!

Update 3 from OP:

Enormous thanks for all of the private messages after the comments were locked. I'm a little overwhelmed with life in general right now, so I haven't replied to everyone, but I wanted to update and let it be known that I'm safe and well. My husband tried to bar my cousin from entering the family home to retrieve my things, which escalated to a physical confrontation.

The police arrived and both husband and cousin were made to leave the premises. My sister and I changed the locks the next day to secure the house, and I'm staying with family for a little while while I plan my next move (which will in all likelihood be a divorce). Thanks again to all who've shared feedback and concern.

Comments from Update 3:

Coco_Dirichlet writes:

They also have been married 4 months. And he is 12 years older acting like a baby.

cthulularoo writes:

He locks her out of her own house after 3 months of marriage and barred her cousin from going to get her stuff so she can stay comfortable... this guy brought controlling all the way to 11.

tyleritis writes:

12 years older, punishing her for not following his orders, doesn’t like her family…am I at a parade? ???