Woman refuses to tell MIL when son is born; 'she can find out through social media.'
Announcing a huge life event is a big deal for a lot of people (usually the people who the event is happening to... but not always).
A frustrated mother-to-be came to Reddit for advice:
'AITA (Am I the a-hole) for telling MIL that I won't tell her when I give birth to my son?'
Any_Mistake_8075 writes:
Hello, I (30f) and my fiance (29m) have been together for 10 years, and have been trying to conceive for over 6 years. We are finally pregnant and could not be more happier, however I've noticed that my MIL (mother in law) is a little finger friendly and posts alot on her social media pages.
The first happened when we actually made the pregnancy announcement to our family and close friends, we announced pretty early because we were so excited. I found out my MIL had made a post about 'being a nan again' and how excited she is - me and my fiance hadn't even been able to make the announcement ourselves yet, as we wanted to wait till our 12 week scan before posting anything.
I have family that live abroad that I would have loved to have made these kinds of announcements to, before MIL made the announcements public herself. I didn't say much because she was probably just very excited, so I focused on working on being as healthy as I can for the baby.
The second happened at our gender reveal we had been planning for weeks and found out the gender of our baby. It was such a pleasant day and a lot of crying. Lots of pictures were taken, and it was just close friends and family.
The day came to a sudden stop when I had a notification that I had been tagged in a post from MIL letting everyone know the gender of our baby.
That is finger friendly...
I have to admit this angered me. It wasn't even the end of the day and I was receiving congrats message from random people. We expressed to MIL she shouldn't of done that, and that any pregnancy related announcments we would like to make ourselves, in our own time and on our own terms.
We're now 30 weeks into the pregnancy and decided to get a 4D scan to see our precious baby, and sent the photos to close family. We asked everyone not to share until we had managed to share them ourselves.
Problem solved!
But before we put any posts up, and she again made the post.
She justified sharing these as 'I didn't tag you so it doesn't count' kind of attitude towards us being upset about the announcement being made before us again.
SO (Significant other) did express to MIL as well multiple times about our feelings on the matter, but we've now had to sit her down and tell her that she has stole these moments from us by making these announcements first. This is our first baby and it's those moments we can never have returned to us.
I don't know if I was surprised or more just disheartened by the situation. I always used to have a good relationship with MIL, and whilst I knew she was abit of an over sharer on socials, I thought there'd be a line. She never made these sort of announcements with her own daughter and the other grandchildren.
I think what I'm anxious about the most is that she'll make the announcement of his arrival whilst I'm in a hospital bed trying to enjoy time with the baby. So I made a warning that if this continues where announcements are being made before we have made them, then I will not tell her when her grandchild arrives, and that she can find out through social media.
She's now become very upset and said that we are overreacting, aita (am I the a-hole) in this situation?
Here's what Reddit had to say...
She lost the right to her access when she flagrantly went against your wishes, not once, but three times. Misbehave, and suffer the consequences. Doesn't matter how old you are. NTA (Not the a-hole).
NTA (Not the a-hole). She shouldn't be upset as she sees this as a legitimate way for people to find out about things. When she has something to say about herself she can decide how to inform people about it.
But tenderhearted-MACE doesn't agree:
ESH (Everyone sucks here). You suck because you’re upset that your MIL is making social media posts AFTER you’ve already publicly announced your pregnancy-related news to your close family and friends. Your MIL is not “stealing” your moment. You’ve already publicly announced your news and she’s now excitedly sharing AFTER the fact.
If you were so concerned about your family abroad not hearing the news from you, you could have called or FaceTimed them during the event or simultaneously release your social media post when you’re hosting your pregnancy-related event.
Instead, you’re orchestrating this bizarre two-step announcement for your events and expect everyone to keep quiet until you’ve completed your announcement process. And to be so overwrought by your MIL’s actions as to withhold the birth of your child/her grandchild is really juvenile.
I dunno…just seems like an inordinate amount of angst over something so inconsequential in the short and long term. Your MIL sucks for not ultimately respecting your announcement “process.” You told her about your concern and she would lose nothing by respecting that.
In the future, make all your announcements in one go. Send a joint text message to all your important contacts with your announcements. In general, I think we all need to get off/worry less about social media. I can’t imagine spending any amount of time addressing a situation like this while pregnant.
OP's response:
My family who live abroad live in different time zones from what I do, so how would you suggest an all in one announcement? I don't have the option to facetime them at 3 o'clock in the morning, is it too much to ask that I and my fiancé make these announcements ourselves?
It's not been publicly announced when a select few are the only ones who know. I still had to think of people who couldn't make it, who I hadn't been able to contact yet, but I was busy soaking in the moment and I wasn't on my phone. Do you suggest that I should've picked my phone up straight away once the balloon popped like MIL did?
Question: What's your partner's take on this? Is he unwilling to stand up to his mother? Because these things are treasurable memories, and she's spoiling them, and if your partner can't have a backbone, it's gonna cause so many issues in the future.
OP answers:
He has stood up to her and made it known that we were frustrated, he also got FIL (father in law) involved because of her oversharing, but she continues to do so. People on her side of the family from what I can remember have always been annoyed at her oversharing.
She has been known to overshare her marriage problems on social as well which lead to SO being angered about it before. But I thought the pregnancy announcements were a line she wouldn't cross.
NTA, but the saying “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” comes to mind. What your MIL is doing is not okay, but why in the great flamarion was she given access to the 4D pictures before you and your fiancé posted it? You knew by then what she was like.
You’re not in the wrong, but STOP giving her news or access to pictures before you’ve told all the people who know how to keep that sh*t secret.
And there you have it!
Looks like OP is not the a-hole for drawing a much-needed boundary.