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'AITA for telling my fiancée she’s not the breadwinner if she’s not footing the bills?' UPDATED

'AITA for telling my fiancée she’s not the breadwinner if she’s not footing the bills?' UPDATED


"AITA for telling my fiancée she’s not the breadwinner if she’s not footing the bills in front of our families and friends?"

My fiancée and I moved in together shortly before we got engaged. Before we did, we discussed how we'd split the housework and bills. 50/50 down the middle with some wiggle room for when the other needs help.

When we moved, it was into her parents' 2-story garage that they converted into basically an apartment. They offered a low rent (700 total), and pitch in for the electric and internet so we could save money for our own place and wedding.

My fiancée earns more than me and that's cool, I'm proud of her. Before we moved in together it always seemed like she was living paycheck to paycheck and I chalked it up to the apartment she had prior having insane high rent.

She stuck to the 50/50 arrangement at first concerning bills but she missed often and I had to remind her about it. Post-engagement, she's back to living paycheck to paycheck, either missing or very late with her part of the rent monthly, the two utilities we pay, groceries, late with her car payment.

Her parents have talked to me multiple times about rent and I've covered her missing portion to get us caught up, and then try talking to her. It always turns into her saying we should just move if her parents are going to hound us.

I told her we're lucky its her parents because anywhere else would've kicked our asses out. On top of that, I pay my own bills, do about 65% housework, arrange and pay for most of our dates and vacations, gifts for her, pay most towards our pets.

I've suggested a financial coach but what kicks me is whenever we're around others, she boasts about being the breadwinner since she earns more. Goes on about the stresses of being the main source of income, all the hours she has to work to "pay all our bills". I was letting it slide until few days ago we were at a get together.

She and her sister started up again about her being the breadwinner. Her sister said something to the effect of her ex-boyfriend had a hard time being with someone who earned more, and my fiancée went "Good thing OP doesn't mind me bringing home the pay".

I told her just because she earns more doesn't make her the breadwinner when she blows it all on herself and I'm paying most the bills. She's embarrassed now and keeps saying I made her look bad and got her in trouble with her parents because they want to see what she spends her money on each month, but I don't think I did anything wrong. AITA?

What do you think? Is he the a-hole? This is what top commenters had to say:

FujiKitakyusho said:

NTA, though you're focusing on the wrong problem. Forget perception. You need to sort out her financial irresponsibility before you marry, or things aren't going to get better.

slythercon said:

NTA, but why are you walking into this with your arms wide open? Like, that’s a huge red flag. Do you want financial issues all your life because she can’t get herself together? That’s the real issue, here. Run, while you can.

PolesRunningCoach said:

NTA. But the real issue is the fact that you guys need to come to some sort of reality before you marry. Otherwise, you’re looking at your future.

KaliTheBlaze said:

NTA. What makes a breadwinner a breadwinner is being the primary financial support pillar for the household. She’s not doing it, but she wants people to regard her as doing it.

Honestly, I’m a little weireded out by her bragging about it - my mom was the breadwinner all my life (my dad’s salary was typically about 1/3 of hers, and he was in a much less stable industry until I was in college, so he had under-employment and unemployment sometimes),

and they really didn’t say much about it ever, because they regarded all of their combined income as something that belonged to them together.

ClothesQueasy2828 said:

NTA. She made an obnoxious untrue comment, and you responded with an obnoxious true one.

Pohkopf said:

"She's embarrassed now and keeps saying I made her look bad" Yet, she was perfectly comfortable embarassing you and making you look like a freeloader. Theoretically, you guys are still in the "honeymoon phase" so you'd think want to paint you in a positive light in front of friends and family. NTA

He later shared this update on the situation:

11 last night I was ready to just postpone the engagement, as of this morning after a lot of talking and things coming to light, we are broken up. Thank you everyone for your responses and input, especially those who encouraged looking deeper. Quick summary:

- She felt a joint account would impede her financial independence.

- She insisted 'we' could afford her purchases based off our total incomes.

- Her parents were under the impression she was also paying off my student loans, my car, my phone, and paying for our vacations.

- She didn't get evicted from her last apartment but she was late with her rent often enough that they weren't going to renew her lease, so she didn't suggest us moving to a bigger apartment at her building.

- Biggest 'Nope I'm out' the monthly take home amount she told me was what she earned BEFORE wage garnishment kicked in, in addition to mass debt. She's been doing some online stuff to make up for the money she loses due to that.

Yes, I got the ring back. Again, thank you everyone but I will not be responding to anymore comments. I'm going to go take some time for myself and get sh!t figured out.

Good luck!

Sources: Reddit
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