Here's the original post:
My wife(26) and I (M29) had our first son about 10 months ago. Because childcare is costly in my area, along with the obvious risks regarding daycares, we agreed that she’d be a SAHM. So i picked up more hours at work. I work the graveyard shift in a warehouse 12hrs a day Sunday night through Thursday night, and 6-8hrs on Friday night. For a grand total of 66-68hrs a week.
By the time i come home in the morning my wife and son are both up and shes making breakfast for us while feeding our son. I’ll usually take my food into our bedroom and eat in there before winding down for bed. But I usually don’t fall asleep until around noon. So I don’t get much sleep.
Recently however she started bringing our son into the room with and asking me to play with him or give him a bottle and a change before i go to sleep. But i thought thats what she was for considering all she does is take care of him. Id do it usually but it’s been really irking me. This morning it got heated when she tried to hand me my son as im getting ready to fall asleep.
She said that i needed to “step up more as a father.” I laughed and pointed around and said “well im paying for this house we’re living in, the clothes our son is wearing. The formula and water that he eats and his baby food. We agreed that you’d do the house stuff, why is it now my responsibility and why right before im going to bed?!”
She didn’t say anything and just took our son into his room and locked the door. I texted my mom and she started reaming me out. But honestly this was our original agreement so I don’t see a problem. This is extremely frustrating and i think i need someone from the outside to give me a perspective. AITA for laughing at my wife when she asked me to watch our son AS I'M ABOUT TO GO TO BED?
YTA. IN.FO: I just want to be clear - the only thing you do for your family is work 66-68 hours a week? And even though you come home at breakfast (6 am? 8 am?) you don't fall asleep until noon and you don't spend any time with your family at all? What time do you wake up? What time do you leave? Do you spend time with them on your day off?
Because from the way you put things in the post, you're literally just providing a paycheck, which no, isn't enough. It means you're working 68 hours a week and your wife is working 168 hours a week and she's unlikely to be getting more sleep than you with a baby under a year at home.
And btw, the way you talk about your wife is pretty disgusting. You thought that's what "she was for" and "all she does is take care of him". So who's doing all the cooking and laundry and shopping and cleaning? Your description sounds like you have zero respect for her or her contributions to the household.
YTA. For laughing, for making it about money, and for this part: "i thought thats what she was for." That's what you've both been for ever since you had a baby together. You're working hard, I acknowledge that, but your work is max 12 hours a day. Parenting is 24.
Your wife isn't asking you to take on chores, she's asking you to bond with your son. At the very least you should be eating with the family and not in your room. "We agreed that you’d do the house stuff." The baby is not "house stuff."
Solid YTA, but try to understand: Your job is earning money, takes 66-68 hours a week. Her job is raising the child/chores while you're at work. So to be fair, lets say also 66-68 hours a week. But who raises the child/does the chores when you're both 'off work?' BOTH OF YOU. To expect that you never have to do anything around the house, or anything for your child
is equivalent to expecting her to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Obviously that's ridiculous, she doesn't expect that of you, right? During non-work hours for both of you, you should equally split childcare duties. Sometimes you change the diaper, sometimes she does. Sometimes you do the chores, sometimes she does.
Obviously this is totally skipping the fact that you should WANT to spend quality time with your child. Earning money does not make you a father, being with them, teaching them, loving them, and of course financially supporting them, those are what really make you a parent. Quit viewing it as a burden, quit expecting your wife to work 24 hours a day, and step up as a parent and a partner.
Ah yes, money = love, that great life lesson to be learnt. YTA. Paying attention to your son lumped into the same category as housework, niceeee
YTA. You work 66-68 hrs a week. Your wife works about 77 hrs a week (assuming your baby sleeps and nap for 13 hrs a day). Your contribution to the family is shown through paycheques. Hers is shown through caring for your son and the household. Her “breaks” are only during the time when your son naps/sleep and even then she’s on constant standby in case if he cries.
So yes, YTA. If you think just paying for bills is enough to take care of your son then you are sadly mistaken. Your son will not bond with you just because you bring in the cash. He’ll bond with whoever spends time with him.
Verdict: Unanimously YTA.
I wrote this post right before going to sleep, and i picked it back up about an hour ago. I am definitely an asshole here, i was tired as was she and i lashed out. She doesn’t deserve that. I showed my wife this post. She’s having a great time reading all the YTA comments.
Im going to start eating breakfast with my family, theres obviously a lot i need to improve. Im going to work now so i wont be able to read the comments anymore until i get home tomorrow morning. Thank you for the slap of reality.