Woman excludes 'homeless' SIL from family trip, wants to give in-laws 'a break.' AITA?

No one wants to be excluded, but there are times when a trip or outing isn't for everyone.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not inviting her "homeless" SIL on a family trip. She wrote:

"AITA for not inviting our 'homeless' sister on a family trip?"

My (32f) husband (38m) is very close to his family. His parents are awesome, and we’ve spent a lot of time with them over the years we’ve been together. He is close to his older sister (40f) who for the most part I’ve also had a good relationship with. When I got pregnant with my first my SIL wanted us to have children together. She very quickly jumped into a relationship with a man she met online.

Within a year they had squandered over $200k she had received in a settlement on expensive rental homes, a very fancy car, new wardrobes, and a half a dozen or so trips. He also had a significant dr*g problem, which created a lot of debt. Shortly after I had my first she was pregnant, and our children are a year apart.

Finally this year after 3 years (and a significantly damaged relation with my husband and in laws), she left her boyfriend with a significant amount of debt, a toddler and no where to go. She moved in with my in-laws until she could find a place to live.

It’s been over 6 months and she still continues to waste money frivolously, isn’t working towards finding a new home and has been relying on them to provide free full time care. This is taking a major toll on them, and means they are often too tired to spend time with our children. Both my in-laws and children lament this lost time, but are kind of stuck until my SIL “gets back on her feet.”

A few months ago we came into a small amount of money, most of which we used for home repairs, and some for savings. My husband offered to loan his sister first and last for a nice but modest first floor apartment, she declined because she wouldn’t live in a “dump”, and wants a high end condo. Offer is still on the table if she chooses. Last week my boss offered me some unexpected PTO.

My husband suggested we take our kids on a beach vacation. I suggested that maybe we could take his parents. They would get a much needed break, and our kids would get the time together they miss. They were elated and agreed. SIL is furious at not being invited and suggested that we use the money we offered for first and last to be used to pay for her trip. We said no.

The thing is, not only do we just want alone time with my in laws and kids, she also has a habit of leaving me with her child for lengthy periods of time while she goes out to smoke or do other things. I understand being a mom or single mom is a lot of work, but I’m a mom too, not just a free babysitter.

Are we being AHs for “dictating” what that money is for? The f/l offer was supposed to be to help her out and alleviate some pressure off the in-laws.

Redditors were fully invested in the situation.

YouthNAsia63 wrote:

Your in-laws sound like they need a break from their responsibilities. And it would be nice if they could spend some time with your children. You are under absolutely no obligation to invite -and pay for your SIL and her child. If your in-laws are willing to overlook the pressure and guilt tripping the SIL will, (no doubt), heap upon them, then take them. And have a nice trip. NTA.

ugh_idfk wrote:

NTA, but are you my SIL because you've described my own sister. That woman pissed away more settlement money on losers and ridiculousness than I'll ever earn in my lifetime. She was constantly moving back in with us (she was oldest, I was youngest w/ a 16 yr age gap).

Every.damn.time. she came home, she had another kid that she expected our parents to raise while she did absolutely nothing to better her situation or help them out at all. Honestly, her passing several years ago was an end to the toxic waste dump of destruction she left in her path and a huge relief.

Do not for one second feel bad about doing something nice for your in-laws! This is a well deserved break for them.

I'd encourage you to take some time while away to have an earnest conversation with them and your hubby about her situation and what needs to be done to solve it (not too much time tho, don't spoil the trip). They have raised their children, they should be allowed to enjoy this time as grandparents and not run ragged caring for and cleaning up after a mess they did not make.

OP responded:

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this! It sucks! It’s hard too because we love our niece, and want the best for her - we’ve invested significantly in her future education. But also, we planned for a decade to have kids so we could provide a life we wanted for them; I feel like she expects us to provide it for her child as well.

Effective_Brief8295 wrote:

Your in-laws sound like they are enabling your sister. They need to break it down for her and give her a date to get her crap together. If it comes that sis can leave and the grandkid can stay. If she leaves and takes the kid without any place to stay then call CPS.

Particular-Try5584 wrote:

NTA. You are offering her (and your in laws) a gift. She doesn’t like the gift and (thankfully) it’s not returnable for a different gift. Your in laws probably really badly need the time to get their heads clear and just breathe. I suspect they are doing a lot of child care, and can’t think through this mess. Hopefully they will get clarity when staying with you and find a way to resolve this.

goldenfingernails wrote:

NTA. It's your money that you are offering. If she doesn't jump at the awesome opportunity you are providing her, that's her problem. That being said, her parents are enabling her. They need to stop with the assistance or she will continue to mooch indefinitely.

They need to set some boundaries. I know that will be hard but it must be done. She is old enough, you said 40ish, to live on her own. Does she have a job?

OP responded:

Yes, a comfortable one, but definitely not something that would afford the life style she wants.

OP is NTA here, it sounds like her SIL needs a bit of a wake-up call.