'AITA for spending money on a trip instead of paying off the debt on my BF's house?' UPDATED

"AITA for spending money on a trip instead of paying off the debt on my BF's house?"

I (29F) recently got in a fight with my boyfriend (30M) and his family because I refused to spend my savings on a house payment that could result in him not getting kicked out of the house.

So, context: I've deal with mental health problems all my life, but when I turned 20 I was at my worst. Due to that, I couldn't mantain a stable job while studying in college.

My parents have always been suportive with me. They let me live with them and my dad payed for my psychologist, medicines, all my college education and manteined me until I was 24 while also taking care of my mom and my 3 younger sibilings. He's a super hardwork man and I've seen him quit to thinks he enjoys and loves to give me and my sibilings the best he can. Top tier parenting and I love him to death.

Fast foward to this year, I've stable job that pays really well and I've been saving money for the past 5 years cuz I wanted to do something for my dad as a thank you for all the sacrifices he has done for me.

His dream has always been to go to Disneyworld (we are not from the USA) and stay in one of those fancy hotels, but he was never able to do it and now that he is retired, he though he would never be able to. So I have been saving money in secret to make it happend, the only one that knew about my savings was my mom and she loved the idea.

I've been with my bf for 1 and a half years now, he has a good job but he is not the best at taking care of his economy. He bought his house before we meet and he is still paying for it. Due to his poor managment of money, he start to accumulating a debt in the house payments and a few weeks ago he told me that there is a chance of him losing his house if he doesn't pay the debt.

Last week I finally reached my goal and had enough money to take my dad to his dream trip, just the 2 of us. I told my bf and I was really excited but he was livid and told me that how could I be so selfish and go on a "stupid vacation trip" when he is about to get kicked out of his house.

He also told me that if we were in for the long run, I should help him to get out of his debt because that could eventually be my house too (we don't live together, I live in a small apartment). He also told me that his trust was betrayed cuz I've been hidding the money savings from him and "a good partner does not do that".

I told him that it was not my responsability to pay for his debt, but he keep yelling and me so I left. He told his mom and sister about it and now both of them have been harassing me, going to my apartnent and to my work telling me how horrible I am for not helping him and trying to convince me to pay his debt.

I get that my bf is going though a hard time but this is something I've been working really hard to achive and since my dad is starting to have difficulties to walk, with his eyesight and his health in general is getting worst, I don't want to wait anylonger to take him in this trip. Am I the a-hole?

What do you think? This is what top commenters had to say:

ljross87 said:

NTA,but get rid of him ASAP! I love what you’ve planned for your father, have so much fun!!!!!

idrow1 said:

NTA - And you should drop him like a hot bag of garbage. His behavior is disgusting and inexcusable. You are in no way obligated or responsible for his poor financial management. Just the fact that his family is also harassing you would be reason enough to dump him. Dump him and take your dad on that amazing vacation.

Interesting_You_2315 said:

NTA. You don't live in the house; you aren't on the title. You should not pay anything towards his house. If he's that bad with money, he needs to take in room mates and go to financial counseling.

DazzlingTurnover said:

NTA. Your dad is wonderful and deserves to be spoiled, but maybe put a hold on the trip until Florida is safe again. Definitely spoil your dad. He’s a great example of somebody who puts family first and supports others. Your (ex?) bf is not.

colesense said:

NTA - you haven’t even been with this guy for two years yet and he’s asking for you to pay his debts? He’s mad at you because he doesn’t know what’s in your bank account? This guy is incredibly controlling. You don’t even live together and your finances are none of his business.

Ok-Mood-8604 said:

NTA. Your dad has loved you unconditionally your whole life & you've known your bf for 1.5 years. I wouldn't give him a dime especially considering you two don't even live together. The hole he's in is all of his own doing.

I hope you & your dad have a wonderful vacation! Spending time with your dad is far more important than bailing out your boyfriend. I personally would dump his ass if it were me for the way he & his family are treating you. If mommy is so outraged let her bail him out.

ashleybahla said:

NTA. Your bf and his family sound like selfish, manipulative, awful people and if I were you I’d run the other way as fast as I could. You deserve better.

Verdict: NTA. And dump him!

Apparently, she considered everyone's feedback. Because she later shared this update:

Ok, first thank yall so much for the advice and knocking some sense into me. I read all the comments and tried to watch my situation from all the perspectives you gave me, so thank you!

So, here is what happened. After things calmed down a little, my bf and I talked. He actually apologized and told me that he never intended to come that agressive, he was just very stressed with his situation and took it on me. He also talked to her mother and sister to stop harassing me.

He told me he didn't knew they went to see me, that he only vented with them cuz he was angry but never told them to do anything (which I kinda belive, his family has always been a bit too much). He recognized that it was not ok from him to expect money from me but he did wanted to be with me and he even started talking about living together.

I told him I understood that he was stressed and I also apologized for beeing insensitive and talk about spending all that money on a trip when I knew he was strugguling, that was totally on me and I did feel bad for that.

But I told him that he had no right at beeing mad at me for "keeping my savings a secret" when he hasn't been transparent with his finances either, I didn't even knew how much his debt was until that day cuz he never wanted to talk about it with me. Basically, I told him I didn't wanted to be in a relationship with someone that reacts that way about something I care so much about and acuse me of beeing selfish.

So I broke up with him, saying maybe we needed some time apart, and he was NOT happy about that. Long story short, it was a very dramatic and nasty breakup but I got out of there and I am safe for now, thankfully. Yall were right, I dodged a bullet there. I also managed to keep it all from my dad, so the trip is still a surprise for him (gotta thank my mom for that).

I have already started to book things for the trip. I'm planning it to be in october, since I've seen Halloween is a really huge thing there, also hoping the wave in Florida passes (I'll re-sketchual for next year if necesary) I saw all the tips in the comments and I took notes, so thank you guys for those too! I'll give my dad the news on his birthday midd september once I've everything booked and ready 💖

TL;DR: I broke up with him and I'm taking my dad to Disney in october!