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Friend warns 'you're too poor' for your 'gold digging' wife.

Friend warns 'you're too poor' for your 'gold digging' wife.


Finances can be a major stressor in relationships, bringing up some complicated questions. Hairy-Management2268 took to the forums out of concern for his financially 'underperforming' friend and what it meant for his marriage:

AITA for telling my friend he should find a better paying job so his wife won't leave him?

I had a few drinks with my friend 'Isaac' yesterday and we talked about life. He told me his wife got a new job with great pay and she now makes double what he does. Isaac is very proud of her, but he feels like he is falling behind her and not contributing enough.

He is afraid that his wife - who works in a very male dominated field, so she is surrounded by well-paid men - will soon be fed up with having to carry his weight and will leave him for someone better.

Now, Isaac is an engineer with almost 5 years of experience and he is grossly underpaid. I gave him a little speech about how it's not worth it to be loyal to a company.

The company doesn't give a shit about him and he should go and find a better paying job out there. It would do good for both his confidence and his marriage. His wife most likely married him because she saw the potential in him, so he now needs to put in the effort and live up to it.

Today, I got a bunch of angry messages from Isaac's wife, calling me an a**hole. She accused me of being an awful friend and destroying Isaac's confidence.

Quite frankly, I think that's bullsh*t, Isaac's confidence was already destroyed and I just gave him tips how to build it up. AITA?

Reddit was happy to share their opinion.

Rainbow62993 argues:

Why would you assume the reason another person chooses to marry someone? Newsflash, women aren't out here marrying men just for what they can or cannot provide. We easily know how to fend for ourselves.

If your friend feels the need to find a higher paying position because it would help his own self confidence, then that's fine. However, you don't need to be filling his head with nonsense about how his wife is going to leave him for a better and 'more successful' man. The ignorance here is unfathomable.

DetailEquivalent7708 weighs in:

That nonsense was already in the friend's head. Isaac is the one who brought it up. OP responded to it in a backhanded compliment kind of way but the notion the wife would leave Isaac for some guy who earns more didn't originate with OP.

Isaac also sucks, first for assuming something like that about his own wife and then throwing OP under the bus with his wife as the source of the nonsense. Isaac needs to get a grip, and may need therapy to figure out why he doesn't value himself more.

OP shouldn't have leaned into Isaac's foolishness.

After hearing from the community, our OP had more to explain:

EDIT: I want to address the sexism accusations.

I do not believe that women in general just go and leave their husbands when they find a higher earning man. However, I've known Isaac's wife for years now.

She is a very confident and determined woman, who always achieves what she wants. She makes detailed step-by-step plans for everything and despite being 4 years younger than Isaac, she had already surpassed him in a lot of things. I think it's very easy to feel lacking when you are standing next to her.

Isaac was her first boyfriend ever, she never even kissed anybody else. I think he kind of convinced himself that she only picked him due to her lack of experience with men and as soon as she gets to know someone else a little better, she will realize 'she can do better'.

I'm not saying that will happen, but I can see where Isaac is coming from and I think the solution is to fix up Isaac confidence.

Some commenters accused him of calling his friend's wife a gold digger.

curiousredditor968 retorts with:

The internet is a such an interesting place. There are places on the internet where women are definitely looking for a man to provide for them. Maybe OP is part of those communities, and doesn't realize that it is universal.

It's so fascinating how there are different echo chambers and they affect how you view the world. I know the division exists in the real world, but I find it most interesting when it comes up on the internet.

kannolli cautions:

Damn, imagine thinking you know what’s going on based on a couple paragraphs vs decade of experience with the people. Some truths are hard, if OP truly felt that his wife may leave him then NTA.

DJ_Too_Supreme splits the blame:

YTA and Issac a little bit too.

You basically implied that Issac's wife will leave him because he makes less money than his wife. You destroyed his confidence even further and you amplified his fear.

Of course if he is grossly underpaid at where he currently works then yeah, great advice to get a better job and aim higher. However, this seems like advice to reach his wife's expectations (expectations I doubt exist)

Issac is a little bit of TA, not for being afraid he isn’t doing enough (even though I personally doubt that) but for also implying that his wife will leave him because he makes less than her. Issac should really consider the fact that maybe she doesn’t care about whether he makes less than her or not and in fact married him for him and not the amount of money he makes.

What would you say in this situation?

Sources: Reddit
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