Woman transfers $10k from secret account to friend in need, husband finds out, gets upset.

"AITA for giving away $10,000 without my husband’s consent?"

My (40f) grandma (deceased) raised me to be fiscally responsible. The second I was able to get a bank account she hammered into my head that I needed a bank account that would be secret from my partner— according to her, she had a ton of friends who had found lovely men who turned nasty and had to sneak out in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on their back.

She ingrained in me the idea that a kind husband could turn sour and I needed to make sure I had some protection, just in case. I’d love to say that she was paranoid but my mother had to disappear on my dad after finding out he was cheating on her— she has always been thankful that she has, what she calls a “Grammy’s Secret Fund” that she had been saving into for years.

I’ve been putting money into my own Grammy’s Secret Fund for 22 years and have accumulated a quite a lot. Beyond that account I’ve incurred a great savings, with my husband, paid into my retirement fund, and always paid my bills on time. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 years.

He’s always been great but my best friend hasn’t been so lucky. She met and married a man who seemed to be wonderful, but over the past 6 years has become emotionally and financially ab*sive, r*cist, and completely negligent toward their 2 children. I was shocked as he had seemed so great in the beginning but I’ve witnessed his absolute abhorrent behaviour over the past few years myself.

For a little backstory, my best friend has been so since I was 6 years old— to reference the meme, we were girls together. She is my person and I think of her kids as my kids. She has never asked me for anything. But she told me that when she left him he froze her out of their accounts and she had nothing for rent or to pay for a lawyer.

She had been paying into their accounts for years but she trusted him to have his name as the only name on them and he had drained their accounts. Without a second thought, I transferred her $10,000. I told her I honestly don’t care if she ever pays it back. When my husband asked about how she could afford a new apartment and a lawyer, I explained and he hit the roof.

Firstly, he was enraged that I had saved into a secret account and secondly, that I would just give away that amount of money. We have never really struggled financially, and I’ve always made more money than him, so I don’t know why he’d be so upset— but how he’s saying he would have stressed a lot less knowing that I had that kind of money at my disposal.

He’s told his side of the family and they’re saying I’m an AH. Am I an AH?

People jumped on with their honest assessments of the situation.

Illustrious_Bus7861 wrote:

I think it's inevitable that your husband was going to be very upset. He thought he was in a relationship where you shared the financial responsibilities and where you were honest with each other. It turned out that he wasn't that type of relationship. I think you're being a little naïve not to have expected some blowback about your choices.

He feels betrayed because you didn't trust him and he feels that he would have done some things differently had he known the truth. To back it up, you've made a major financial decision without consulting him in any way, so, once again he feels that he's unimportant. I should make it clear that I think you're perfectly entitled to help your lifelong friend, what's money for if not to help those whom you love?

I like the fact that you've told her not to worry about re-paying it either. That makes it a true gift and takes the stress away from her at a time when stress had become a mountain for her. It's your money, and your choice. But if I was married to you, while I would have supported your decision and your right to make it, I would have been very pissed off about the lack of trust and the deceit.

I think you need to take some time to explain why you've behaved as you have and to acknowledge his hurt feelings. This is a man who's loved and trusted you for most of his adult life - finding out that you've misled him over a fundamental part of the relationship may well have hit him similarly to finding you in bed with someone else. YTA.

ColdstreamCapple wrote:

YTA. I get where you’re coming from in that people should have safety nets and it’s why in my opinion it’s SO important for both partners to work whether it even be part-time just to keep a foot in the workforce However, you can’t honestly wonder why he’s so hurt when you’re essentially saying you don’t trust him?

Slow-Confection-3110 wrote:

As a woman who has a protection order and was enrolled in a program that helped hide my location due to an abusive ex you are NTA. I wish more people saved for a rainy day from a spouse or partner in general.

throwaway17confused wrote:

NTA. Trust is important in a marriage, sure, but the reality is that sometimes, it's better to be safe rather than sorry, and that it doesn't matter how much trust you have in your spouse, everyone should have some sort of personal emergency fund. DV is a huge issue in most societies, so being prepared for the worst is essential. It's basically a form of insurance. You're a good friend OP.

thehauntedpianosong wrote:

YTA. Guess what? I have my own personal savings too—but my husband knows about it because we are partners in a healthy relationship.

Clearly, the internet can't agree on this one.