Overbearing MIL demands to visit newborn at 3am; 'No, you can't come in, you can sleep in your van.' + UPDATE
"6 weeks postpartum - MIL invites herself"
brodhisattva6
I am 6 weeks postpartum and a first time mom. My MIL and I have never really gotten along but I tolerate her (basically just grey rock her) because my FIL is a sweet man and has Lewy Body Dementia - we don’t have a ton of time left with him. Long story short, MIL doesn’t like it when my husband or I hold healthy boundaries. Whenever she’s triggered by our boundaries, I’m villainized.
So as I mentioned, I recently gave birth. While pregnant, MIL “confided” in one of my oldest, closest friends that she thought I would “have a hard time with motherhood” and that she doubted my abilities. I heard about this and was deeply hurt/offended but said nothing. What she said was nasty but I know it’s totally untrue.
Then a few weeks ago… I heard from another close family friend (the godmother to our baby and we are godparents to her children) that MIL was again talking about me, saying that I was “overwhelmed” by motherhood.
Basically the same narrative as with the other friend months earlier. This time I was super angry - mainly because what she was saying wasn’t true, I was hormonal, and that she said these things in front of our god daughters - one who is quite the worrier. Again, I said nothing because I really don’t want to make waves with my husband's dad.
Fast forward to today… MIL & FIL are going on a cruise next week and we are dropping them off at the airport since they live about an hour away and we’re just 20 mins away.
MIL calls husband and STATES that they will be spending the night the night before because she doesn’t want to get up early. Again, we are 6 weeks postpartum and literally don’t even have a guest room.
Hosting guests requires us to move furniture out of our shared office/nursery to fit an inflatable mattress. My Husband says absolutely not… she blames me and then says that they’ll drive up the night before and just sleep in her van in front of our house LOL. Again all because she doesn’t want to get up one hour earlier to GO ON A CRUISE.
It’s all funny to me because she is so “concerned” about my “overwhelm” but then has the audacity to impose on us in a significant way when we are already helping them by driving them to the airport!
Anyway, thanks for reading. I wish we all had nice, normal, considerate MILs but since we don’t it’s nice having a space to vent and know that I’m not alone dealing with this cooky woman!
Edit to add: MIL’s comments about my “overwhelm” have been a theme - she REALLY wants to come over to “help” but I keep politely declining because her help isn’t helpful (she’s super high maintenance and I’m very self sufficient), and I just don’t really want exposure to her other than group family time (with my husband present) for my baby to bond with his grandparents - mainly his grandpa.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
TexasLiz1
Lean into it. “Oh MIL, you can’t stay overnight. It would OVERWHELM me.” “Well you know how easily I get overwhelmed.”
boundaries4546
“I would love for you stay the night, but as you will tell anyone who isn’t actively running away from you that ‘I am so overwhelmed’ I’m sure you can understand why visiting is out of the question.” Blessings, your bada$$ DIL!
tonalake
Tell them if they don’t want to wake up too early then they better get a hotel room because crying baby at 4a.m. Is very very early.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: MIL slept in van"
brodhisattva6
Hi all,
Wanted to give an update on MIL’s shenanigans. To recap, my MIL is awful and decided that she & my FIL were going to stay at our house overnight the night before we needed to take them to the airport.
DH said no so she said they would sleep in the van in front of our house because she “can’t get up early”. We also have a 6 week old baby (for reference our LO typically goes to bed at 10pm, wakes at 2am for a feed, then sleeps until about 5am).
So Sunday, she refused to answer her phone when DH tried to call to figure out airport logistics. Finally at about 6pm she called and said they would be arriving at 8pm and in the morning, they would leave for the airport at 6am (for reference, their flight didn’t leave until 10:30 the next morning - DH was planning on leaving our house to take them at about 7:45).
Reminder that the whole reason for all of this is that she doesn’t like to wake up early. DH was basically like no that’s crazy, we’re leaving at 7:45. She hung up on him. He assumed she would show but we talked about it and agreed that we will continue with our usual routine with our LO and not let them come inside (we also have 3 dogs that bark and go nuts anytime someone comes here).
DH waited up so he could talk to them outside and avoid them knocking (making the dogs bark… waking our sleeping baby). She arrived (I am not kidding you) at 3am (THREE OCLOCK IN THE MORNING).
She asked to come in and he said no and she said, “babies cry all the time, it’s not a big deal if he wakes up” and kept saying that she wanted to see “HER grandson”. DH was like, “it would be OVERWHELMING and extremely disruptive to knock LO off his usual sleep schedule - it’s not happening, you can’t come in” (god I love him). She grumbled and went back into her van.
At 6am his Dad knocked on the door and did ask to use the restroom. The dogs went nuts but the baby was awake anyway and I love FIL (he also has moderate lewy body dementia so he can basically do no wrong with us… he’s a sweetie). We let him in to do his thing & made him a cup of coffee. MIL was nowhere to be found.
Lastly, the ride to the airport was apparently awful. She was barking at DH the whole time, called him a “son of a b” (I thought that was funny) and slammed her own van door on him when they finally got to the airport.
DH spoke to FIL last night - they’re on their cruise and he’s having a wonderful time exploring the ship. He’s a retired Navy and this cruise was his bucket list trip (he knows he won’t be able to travel anymore very soon).
No clue what MIL thinks - shes still mad at DH about… something. lol. Overall it was a fiasco but LO’s sleep wasn’t disrupted, FIL is having fun, DH stood his ground, MIL’s manipulation didn’t work, and I didn’t have to deal with any of it!
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
smokebabomb
Any chance of dropping their van off at the airport the day they’re back so they can just go home? I’m also thinking about how if they contract Covid or something you may want to not be in close contact right after.
brodhisattva6 (OP)
I LOVE this idea!
Spare_Ground_4200
When my mom called me a B my reply was "like mother, like daughter". The look on her face was better than imagined. She's never called me a B to my face again.
AureliaReinette
I’m sorry but who the hell thinks “oh it’s 3 AM I’ll go see the baby”???? I’m so glad your husband stood his ground!
brodhisattva6 (OP)
And to say that “babies cry all the time”… I thought that was especially sad. She is so self centered she can’t even understand how intentionally waking her peacefully sleeping grandson at 3am & making him cry is just cruel!
Firm_Student8138
This is insane. It is a massive pet peeve when people are too cheap to pay for a parking spot at the airport. If you can spend thousands on vacation, you can spend $100 or $200 or whatever to park your car, especially if it is a massive inconvenience to the person who is taking you.
My IL’s always have someone drive them but luckily they don’t ask us. We ALWAYS pay to park our car ourselves. There are some cheap parking places that charge like $15/day that we head to then we take a shuttle to the airport.