Background: MIL F63, has a recurring problem with respecting boundaries and being appropriate. There is just too much to mention here so I 38F will give 2 examples. Her other son and DIL don’t speak to her and uninvited her to their wedding after she kept insisting that a family member be invited.
Because they already had a rocky relationship that was the last straw. Last time we visited home (far away by plane ride) during the holidays I had to spend the week visiting my family by myself without my then fiancé (now husband of 5 years) because she could not accept we would divide the time between families (which are on two separate regions of the island).
We had to each go our way because she just wouldn’t stop arguing about it. I have never returned in holiday season again since because of this. When we got married we asked her to arrive a certain date as we were still getting ready and I was taking teacher licensing tests up until 2 days before the wedding.
She did not understand, arrived early and I had to focus on their arrival instead of my test (I passed but I was stressed). Our baby was just born, he is 14 weeks now. She was upset that she couldn’t stay here and that I wanted my mom instead. She is very vocal about other people’s bodies and has always been mean to me so I did not want her near me.
I needed kindness to surround me. She told me I looked like a junkie a few weeks after I gave birth (c section lost a lot of blood was very anemic) and made comments about me no longer having a belly (from pregnancy) and what if I did? Who is keeping score and why is that your problem?
My husband 36M told her to stop making comments about other people’s bodies and appearance a few weeks ago and she was offended saying everything she says is ill taken. They were coming for thanksgiving to spend a week and meet their grandson and I’ve been dreading it because things are so tense.
Yesterday she was inquiring what we feed oir baby saying we should give him water and juice. We’ve told her before you have to wait until they are older for that. She finally got to the point saying he was fat. Our baby is big, meaning he is also tall.
So he is actually doing great, thriving, doctors say every time he is perfect and have no concerns about his weight. She kept insisting in saying fat even though my husband kept telling her to stop to keep it to herself saying that our son is proportional to his weight and looks great and is healthy.
She continued and then said to then take pictures of him from far away so he wouldn’t look so fat. My husband hung up the phone on her and later texted telling them not to come for Thanksgiving.
When I learned what she said, I sobbed. Who speaks like this about a baby? What is there to hide by taking a photo from far away? He is a gorgeous baby, happy and healthy! Even if he was overweight, that is not her problem or something to hide. What kind of sick mind would say something like this?
Has anyone experienced anything like this and can give advice? Plot twist: she is overweight but no one brings this up because that is her body and her problem but I don’t get where these standards are coming from, he is an infant! I’m so enraged! I’m sad for my husband, he doesn’t deserve this.
Don’t mess with my son. That’s the line and she crossed it. We walked through hell to have our son through IVF. Her other son doesn’t speak to her and doesn’t want children, we’re likely to not be able to have another. So this was it for her, her only grandson and she behaves like this?
NTA—oh my not even close. No contest. Your MIL sounds wretched. I’m so sorry you have to put up with that. What she said to you about your body and about your baby are deeply cruel. You have every right to be upset about them.
The good news first: your husband is awesome. Seriously! How many stories have we all seem about husbands kowtowing to their mothers at the expense of their wives/partners/children? Far, far too many!
And here’s your husband setting clear boundaries and holding firm and cutting off the conversation when she crosses them! And he already uninvited her from Thanksgiving! He deserves a lot of credit! Here’s the bad news: you asked what you can do about her.
The problem isn’t that she has insane standards. The problem is she is a cruel, selfish, hypocritical, and callous person. That’s not going to change. She didn’t even make any adjustments to her behavior when her other son cut her out of his life. If that wasn’t a wake up call for her, there is nothing that ever will.
Some people can look in the mirror their whole lives and never see their real reflection. The only thing to do is to cut her out. Entirely. Block her number, block her on social, complete and total radio silence. And to expect that this will last forever, and that she will never, ever understand why.
Your husband will need to be on board with this, but given how the last call went, I don’t think he will push back. Your MIL is a toxic person to the core. She will only ever bring you misery if you keep her in your lives.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Thank goodness your husband has your back. My MIL was the same way and she always opened a conversation with comments on a person's looks, good or bad. I never understood it. Your MIL sounds like a deeply wounded person - remember, hurt people HURT people. You are %100 NTA. Enjoy your beautiful baby and give your husband the biggest hug.
Ignore her. My younger son was not heavy at birth but he was LONG. As a toddler he was what we call "a brick house" - he was sturdy as heck, actually quite a chub. As he grew he would put on a lot of weight then shoot up. I fed the kids mostly home-made food because it was way cheaper. When my younger son turned 15 he shot up like a damned weed and I couldn't keep him full.
Babies look how they look. I've seen skinny babies, fat babies and "regular" sized babies... once puberty hits all bets are off. As long as your kid isn't obese, feed them what their body needs.
I don’t know where to begin because there is so much and it’s just so overwhelming so I’ll begin with some background. Long post ahead.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years. 3 as boyfriend/fiancee and 5 married. I have always felt very undervalued and disrespected by my husband’s family and until recently when we had a baby, I have put up with it. To set the scene of what I’ve endured for 8 years, I will give some examples because there is too much to talk about really.
My MIL has a recurring problem respecting boundaries. The first holiday season we spent together I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with them, hoping she would be ok with my then boyfriend spending new years and 3 kings day with me and my family.
I went all out. I bought gifts, matching pjs for the whole family, brought a griddle and ingredients to make pancakes for the whole family, brought instruments with us to sing and play (we are musicians), etc.
After all of that she turned right around and said to my now husband, you’re dropping her off and coming right back for New Year’s, right? No concern for me, my family or if he wanted to also see my family. My husband said in front of her that he would come back.
I left crying thinking he had lied to me because he had told me he would spend time with me instead. He told me later that is what he always does with her so he doesn’t have to be in a conflict with her. I realize now what a major red flag this was. This concept was so foreign to me.
They have 3 children all male. My husband who is the eldest, the second who has non verbal down syndrome and the third who does not speak to them already. About a year ago he went NC with them because they already had a very rocky relationship and she kept insisting that they invite MIL’s sister (his aunt) to the wedding and he did not want to.
She did not respect his wishes and their son and his now wife don’t speak to them. FIL had a violent outburst and went to speak to him in the house he lived in (a family property belonging to my husband’s deceased grandmother and now his dad) and threw him out of the house.
In all honesty he was ready to go already but it made it a lot worse. He never apologized, they don’t speak to this day. On the first Christmas we traveled back (Puerto Rico) to see them after moving stateside for work and school (master’s degree) she could not accept that we were going to divide our time between families.
To make her happy, my then fiance decided to stay with them and I stay with my family. I had to rent a car right after hurricane Maria when streets were very unsafe without traffic lights and no police presence. They showed no concern for my safety.
We almost broke up after that and my husband recently accepted that he did the wrong thing. We should have stayed together. I haven't returned since in the holiday season to avoid issues.
For our wedding that same year we asked them to arrive on a certain date and they chose to arrive days earlier expecting to spend time with us. I was taking teacher licensing tests up until 2 days before the wedding so I could get a job. I still passed but it made me so stressed.
We just had a baby. I had an urgent c section due to pre eclampsia and lost a lot of blood, I became severely anemic and had o have a blood transfusion. They were upset that I only wanted my mom at this vulnerable time where I would be so sensitive and with body parts hanging out.
She often makes comments about other people’s bodies so I needed kindness and no judgment around me as my body healed. We also made it very clear that traveling via plane while the baby was so young was not good for him as it could make him sick if they brought something illness with them from the airport.
She is so inappropriate so often that it’s hard to keep count but about 7 weeks postpartum she said I looked like a junkie. My mom heard it and cried, I cried. My husband didn’t catch it. I told him later and he brought it up to her. She first denied it, then admitted it and then never apologized.
Her shield excuse for everything is it wasn’t my intention. (More on that later) I should have demanded an apology and I did not. Because my husband always said she didn’t know or cared and that for her to change was pointless. In retrospect, I should have demanded a consequence regardless. Be better or be out of our lives, for example.
He had a whole conversation with her about not talking about other people’s bodies when the junkie thing happened and fast forward a few weeks later she was on the phone with my husband.
They never contact me directly I am always an appendix of my husband, unlike my family who always reaches out to him directly and make him feel valued and appreciated in every single way, when yet another issue came up.
At this point of the timeline baby is 14 weeks, he is currently 16. She was inquiring about what we feed the baby saying we should feed him water and juice, husband kept pushing back saying it’s too early for that. She finally got to the point and said our baby was fat.
My husband told her to stop, and she insisted, then she threw in a despicable jab and said we should take pictures of the baby from far away so he looks thinner. This thought is so sick, demented and abhorrent that I have no words to even deconstruct it. Are you ashamed of your grandchild because of his weight?
By the way, our son is in the 97th percentile and is very tall. He is a big baby. Doctors have never expressed a concern and he is happy and healthy. I sobbed when I heard this and for the first time my husband put a consequence.
My husband hung up the phone and uninvited them via text to thanksgiving. They didn’t even read his text and we found out later that they were still planning to come. A few days ago my husband wrote explaining one more time why her comment was so wrong and saying we needed space and that they shouldn’t come for now.
She responded saying she was sorry (for the first time in her life according to my husband). She did not apologize to me. She asked him to call her so he called her the next day (last Sunday). I was finally given the phone to talk and I spoke my mind and told them with examples of moments I have felt disrespected through boundaries and other things.
I had a tone. After all of this I had a tone. I was not yelling but I wasn’t calm and quiet either. My tone had character. I never used swear words, personal attacks or the like, I stuck to describing situations where I’ve felt undervalued. They proceeded to say that they were coming to hug and kiss the baby.
I interrupted with the highest tone I had int he entire conversation and said with authority: No one is kissing the baby because his health comes above all else and on that I will be very firm.
They went quiet. I continued talking about other situations that have happened such as the fact that we asked them to arrive Sunday so we had time to prepare the house after the work week and they decided to arrive Saturday instead.
In the middle of the night. And how that was not ok when you’re being hosted by people who have such a young baby and who were not going to get any sleep due to your arrival time. They argued back and did not understand. Later the conversation ended.
A few hours later his dad wrote this message (translation):
"Unfortunately your wife won. She just separated us. She said in front of you that she wasn’t going to allow us to touch or kiss the baby. Then why the fvkk are we going? That is disrespectful to me as a person and as a grandparent. In my 61 years of life I have never been so humiliated as your woman just did and even worse without you defending me.
As you say, she is now the one who cut her own legs off with us, to make me responsible for something that happens to the baby? That’s the stuff of crazies. She demonstrated the kind of person she is. She succeeded in separating us. I am very sorry for your situation. Even then I wish you happiness.
You did not accept your mother’s apology. You demonstrate such rancor against your mom. We have been with you your whole life and this is how you pay us? Your mom has pleased you in everything. You have destroyed us. It was a miserable act by your wife. But there isn’t a worse blind than the one who doesn't want to see. You even forgot your brother and God after we raised you in a christian home.”
They know my husband is an atheist and they have never respected that despite him asking them. That’s a different topic anyways. The next day on Monday his mom called him during the day which is rare. He called back and his mom told my husband that FIL (his dad) had collapsed yesterday holding his chest having a panic attack.
My husband listened as she said bad things about me that I had been aggressive, that they were scared of me with my tone of voice, that I had been cruel. I told my husband I reject categorically and with my whole being that I would be responsible for his condition, that this is actually extremely dangerous because he would internalize it was my fault if it happened and never forgive me. It would be the end of our marriage.
I believe every person is responsible for their own physical and mental health. I think it is psychological abuse to accuse me in any way. My husband affirms his dad didn’t do it for that purpose and that he is not dangerous but I told him that his mom calling him to tell him about is is indeed a manipulations to get him to soften up with them. And it worked.
My husband sent a message yesterday (Tuesday) saying he was sorry for everything and that he loved them). I didn’t know he had sent that message and I showed him a message I had also sent them yesterday saying the following
"I apologize for raising my tone of voice. I have spent 8 years feeling very undervalued with the treatment I have received and my emotions did not allow me to keep a low tone of voice. Only me and my husband have kissed the baby to protect him from illness which is why I expressed that he should not be kissed because his health is above all else.
If you want to come to meet him you can. Though it’s your choice I recommend you don’t block my number in case of an emergency with (my husband their son) I imagine you’d want to know.
As I said to (my husband) yesterday, I am willing to go to family counseling. I think they can meet with us via zoom and we may heal our differences there, Thank you, (my name)."
They proceeded to block me on all social media and WhatsApp (don’t know about text message). Now I’m thinking these people are not actually fit to be grandparents and that they are plain dangerous and hateful. They are not related to my son by blood as we had to use IVF donor due to husband’s health (they know all about it no surprises there).
My husband cannot reproduce, neither can his brother due to similar problems and the other son has non verbal Down syndrome so this was their only shot to grandparent. Either blood or heart binds family, or both. If they don’t share blood with him nor heart as they don’t have his well-being in mind then who are you to him?
I remain said for my son, and for my husband and myself too. I tried to act as best I could knowing I would answer to my son one day. But she even said she was no longer sending our gifts and the baby’s for Christmas. They blocked me.
I have had very difficult conversations with husband about his part in all of this and he is beginning to understand and has apologized. He understand it’s not ok for him to be taking phone calls where I am being bashed and he promised to stop it when it happens.
I have asked him to stop comments such as, "well now we can’t see our grand child because of your wife," etc. Because that’s not what happened here. Please help me put this situation in context. What are your thoughts? Writing this has been therapeutic and I appreciate your thoughts and support. Thank you for reading.
She needs to leave NOW. It will only get worse. If that man didn't cut off his mother for calling a new born fat, nothing will and she'll just be miserable the rest of her life.
I mean, one of my kids was like the Michelin man as a baby. Rolls for days. We all loved it and referred to the chubby little chunker as fat all the time. The difference being, it was absolutely in a loving way, marvelling at the wobbles, and being proud that my boobs (100% breastfeed) could make that. (As soon as kid got on the move the rolls disappeared and is now like a beanpole). Absolutely not malicious as the MIL in this story.
OP never broke the family, it's the husband and his families problem. Good lord, those people are absolutely twats and disgusting. These are the types of families that no one should ever get married cause these people are awful. I feel bad for the kid.
What's wrong with a fat baby anyway? Rolls of pudge on babies' arms are one the most glorious sights. Not to mention the cheeks.
That husband has failed her time and time again. I wish she would just leave him cause he doesn’t deserve her.
Someone update me when she finally leaves and they get divorced.