'Feeling overwhelmed by in-law expectations — how do you cope when your independence is seen as a problem?'
"Feeling overwhelmed by in-law expectations — how do you cope when your independence is seen as a problem?"
I grew up in a liberal household where independence was encouraged. Losing my father at a young age meant I had to work hard early on — not just to build the life I want, but also to support my mother.
While life might’ve been easier with my father around, I’ve never complained because I genuinely enjoy working and being self-reliant. Now that I’m married, I contribute to our home — I take care of groceries, house expenses, appliances, furniture — all the functional things that keep a household running.
These aren’t regular monthly expenses, but when they come up, I handle them without issue. The problem is my mother-in-law doesn’t approve of the fact that I work. She believes it takes away from how well I “take care” of her son.
She constantly advises me to do things her way — what foods to give him, what to avoid (even when there's no scientific basis), how the house should be spotless every day, etc. She was raised with different values and feels women shouldn’t work, as that means we’re neglecting our responsibilities.
Even when I point this out to my husband, he says he supports me, but adds that I should “respect her opinion” even if I don’t follow it. He tells me he defends me to her, but honestly, nothing changes — she still makes indirect comments and even calls my mother to share how I’m not living up to her expectations (in a “polite” way, of course).
I’m tired. It’s disheartening to see other women uphold these patriarchal ideas. I’m struggling — not just with the emotional toll of hearing this constantly, but also because my husband feels caught in the middle. He doesn’t want to confront her too harshly, and tells me I should just ignore her and keep living life my way. But I’m finding that really hard to do.
Has anyone else dealt with something similar? How do you set boundaries without making your partner feel torn? How do you cope emotionally with these subtle jabs that feel constant?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"With all due respect, MIL, and that's a number that's dwindling daily, how I choose to live my life and how we as a family choose to run out household are none of your affair. Mind your own home and keep your opinions about ours to yourself."
To husband: "You need to choose which family you're going to defend because it's becoming increasingly clear it's not this one. I did not agree to marry you AND your mother. Just you. Speak up, or go back to living with your parents because you seem to be unprepared for adulting."
If she's allowed to speak directly like that, so are you. Husband just wants to 'keep the peace'? Give him the the result you're willing to accept. No one wants to be the bad guy but sometimes it's necessary. I notice your FIL isn't part of this confrontation. Try working that angle unless you feel MIL is just echoing his opinions.
I think I would find myself less available to be around my mother-in-law. And if your mother-in-law is religious. Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.
Even if you’re not religious, this verse shows that even 2000 years ago, it has been an issue with humans once they get married to leave their family of origin. When he married you, he should make you and his family, his new family of choice, his top priority.
“mother-in-law, if you want to marry my husband, then just let me know and I will divorce him. But right now we’re married and we don’t need your input. Thank you very much.”
Because I was raised by the queen of petty (thanks, mom🩷) here’s what I would do. I would have a serious discussion with my husband about whether or not he feels that maybe his mother-in-law has a point. You don’t think she has a point, don’t even take that idea.
Then say to him if you don’t want me to work, you have to pay for everything, why don’t we try it? But without me giving up my job? Let’s do a trial run to see if this is feasible. He might go for it.
My assumption is you have separate bank accounts. Don’t go hog wild cause you have money. I kinda have the feeling you need to set up a “get out of Dodge” fund. Might be a good idea to assess how much apartments are where you live, what you need for a down for a house you know, get your ducks in a row.
And don’t do it for a couple of weeks, this is a to put it nicely — a long con. 3 to 6 months. Because a couple of weeks he can do. A month maybe if he’s funding everything. Three months he’s gonna feel the pain.
If he’s doing it for six it’s gonna hurt and either this nonsense will stop and he will put a stop to his stupid ass mother, or you will know exactly where you stand and you have money to get out. Or he’ll have to run to mommy to help fund his little lifestyle. And then maybe she’ll get a grip too. They usually don’t.
I do it by not putting up with misogynistic AH like your in laws and your husband. And oh yes. Your husband is just as bad as them. If someone from my husband's family disrespected me once, my husband would rip them a new one and they wouldn't try again.
My MIL tried once. Before she could finish what she was saying, he sprinted into the room and gave her a piece of his mind for speaking to me like that. I didn't have to say a word. She's never tried that BS again.
The problem here is that you have all this big talk but you're not ready to walk the walk. If you were, you would have given your husband and ultimatum or left him by now. Because he's exactly as misogynistic as his mother.
Whether you like it or not. If you want kids, these two will make your life a literal hell. Why are you wasting your time with people like this? They won't change. The real problem here is your refusal to leave.