Woman's mom tells her future MIL that she's a gold digger; just wants his money. + Update
"I just learnt why my FMIL is suddenly cold"
ritahayworthisanicon
The answer is my JNM went to lunch with my FMIL and told her I was a gold digger who went fishing for rich men and snagged her a whale!!! I’m serious. I went NC consistently with my mother-in-lawi for a year and in that year she changed for the better, or so I thought.
My uncle told me she’d stopped lashing out at people, being verbally abusive and being an AH. He said she’d changed and urged me to get back in touch, trusting his judgment I did. BIG MISTAKE.
I truly believed she’d changed because she has stopped saying the most hurtful, abusive and heartbreaking things to and about me. She still regularly body shames me but she’s been doing that since I was 9 so I’m used to it. Anyway, I thought my JNM and I were building a stronger relationship and letting bygones be bygones. I was wrong.
I got engaged recently to my SO of nearly 4 years. I met his family on our third date. Honestly, my FMIL and I instantly clicked, I wished she was my mum, she’s amazing. After this initial meeting apparently my SO told his family he’s going to marry me. So my FMIL started inviting me out to get to know me, calling me etc.
A year and a half ago my FMIL randomly began to tell me she needed to meet my mum. I didn’t know it at the time but my SO asked for his nan’s engagement ring to propose. I gave FMIL excuse after excuse because I was NC with my mum when she started asking.
I kept giving her excuses even when my mum and I started talking again because I was afraid of my FMIL meeting her. I was afraid of what would fly out of my mum’s mouth since she “has no filter and is brutally honest” (her words).
When we got engaged my FMIL told my SO she was upset because she hadn’t got to meet my mum yet so she thought maybe I was making excuses because my family wouldn’t approve of me marrying a white man (not the case, they like him more than me).
I ignored the voice in my head telling me not to get my FMIL and my mother together. I brought my mum to my SO’s weekly Sunday dinner. My mom and FMIL finally met and unbeknownst to me they set a lunch date so they could talk in private, get to know each other better.
According to my FSIL, my FMIL told my mom she adores me and is so happy God put my SO and I in each other’s lives etc. To which my dearest mother responded “God? haha no, my daughter went to that cafe every day to find herself a rich man so she never has to work again”.
She then told my FMIL when she met my SO she didn’t get what I saw in him until she saw his car. Apparently this woman also said something like “my daughter could be a model, your son looks like well…”.
My FMIL asked what she meant by the car statement. She said he drives an expensive car so she knew he was from a wealthy family which is apparently what I’ve “always wanted”. I’ve never once said this to her, I went to that cafe because my best friend lives in that neighbourhood and she and I workout together.
She’s always running late so I grab a coffee and wait. When my SO and I met according to him I didn’t look approachable. I smile at women, kids etc, not men. I had one guy jump over train tracks because he thought I was flirting with him because I was smiling.
But he just went for it because he thought I was pretty and he saw my Star Trek phone case as an in to talk to me. Oh oh and my lovely mother told my FMIL she’s always told me “marry rich and you’ll earn every penny, hopefully SO doesn’t make my daughter work that hard”??
How would you navigate this situation? My FMIL has cancelled our weekly plans and she’s speaking to me exclusively through my significant other. Thanks so much mum!
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
CheckIntelligent7828
Here's my hot take. I'm extremely tired, so forgive me if it needs editing. And forgive the length, I feel your pain and wanted to do a good job (my ILs randomly decided I was marrying my husband to take advantage of him and have been awful to me since).
If you do a physical letter as your response, have your fiancé deliver it and say it is a personal favor to him that she read the letter all the way through. I would say, in a letter, in your own handwriting:
"FMIL, I have been told that you had an unfortunate conversation with my mother. I am so sorry for that. What a horrible situation for you to be in. I wish I could go back and never have allowed this to happen.
The reason you didn't meet my mother for so long is because this is what she does. She looks for opportunities to destroy other people's joy. To insert herself in hurtful and unnecessary ways. She has done it my entire life. Let me give you a couple of examples. (Insert terrible examples) I wanted you to never meet her.
But, I also wanted to make you happy by having you meet her and I had been told she was behaving better. Trusting that was my mistake. It has almost literally broken my heart that she has affected my relationship with you. I was so happy when I got to know you.
I may have been born with a mother who cares nothing for my happiness or well-being, but God/the universe saw fit to bring you into my life and I thought I was finally going to get to experience a real parental relationship. Of course she had to try and destroy that. There is no way she could allow someone as kind as you to be close to me.
I have never, ever, uttered a word about wanting a wealthy husband. What I wanted was a soul mate. Someone to create a life with, to travel this path with, to grow old with. And your son is ALL of those things to me. You raised an amazing man and I am so lucky to have run into him at the right time, in the right place. I must have done something very right to deserve him.
I understand you do not trust me right now. But I do hope you might consider that I, in fact, am nothing of what my mother said. And I look forward to being able to try and demonstrate who I really am to you, and to Darling Fiancé.
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this,
OP"
And then you wait. I hope whatever you do works. Like I said, I understand some of your situation and it sucks. Unfortunately, you often can't easily prove a negative.
ilovejamdonuts
OP I hope you see this comment. And I hope it all works out for you.
The OP responded here:
ritahayworthisanicon
Thank you so so much for this, I’m still invited to Sunday dinner so I’m just going to say this to her. Hopefully we can move on from this because I’ve missed hanging out with her.
DoIwantToKnow6417
So your FMIL straight on believes your mom upon first meeting her, after having known you for four years... FMIL didn't even give you the benefit of doubt.. These two women actually deserve each other... Naturally I'd go back to NC with mom. Then I'd sit around the table with FMIL. Explain WHY she never met your mother before. WHY you are AGAIN NC with her.
Perhaps get the back-up of your uncle. Tell her you APPOLOGIZE for not disclosing before about how your mom is. But also: TELL HER SHE HURT YOU for not even giving you the benefit of the doubt! And that it will take some time for YOU to get past this fact...
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: I just learnt why my FMIL is suddenly cold"
ritahayworthisanicon
Update: FMIL apologised at church and her apology seems sincere. We’re going to have a longer conversation tomorrow since tonight’s family dinner and I don’t want to have lunch with her today. She promised SO she would apologise for everything in the family group chat so I get a public apology kind of.
I’m exhausted now and overwhelmed, couldn’t even feel peace at church. SIL apologised but I won’t be accepting that one for now because we feel she only did it so I babysit her children. I am tired.
So mom was told by my aunt why I have stopped responding to her many messages and again used my uncle to get access to me. Instead of apologising she was gloating, my own mother was happier than ever because she’s essentially tainted my relationship with my ILs.
It was the most chilling phone call I’ve ever had, I felt like I was talking to a serial killer. If you watch true crime think of when the serial killers are being interrogated and they’re all cocky, that’s exactly how she was. The scariest thing she said is “if I feel like it I’ll bury you”.
Half way through the call I started using SO’s phone to record her because I wanted FMIL to understand who she’s dealing with. I ended the call telling her I’m sorry for her, she’ll never attend my wedding, she’ll never meet my children etc.
I said more to make sure she completely understands that she has no daughter and I think in that moment it dawned on her that I was serious. She started backtracking saying she was just joking with FMIL, she says she enjoys dark humour (???). How is telling my FMIL I’m a succubus controlling SO through intimacy, dark humour?
Anyway, I sent the voice note of my call with mom to FMIL and she called me back, apologised for her behaviour and cried for me. She said she felt sorry for me and couldn’t stand to hear 5 minutes of the call. It made her sick too. She doesn’t know how she got so easily manipulated by mom.
SO said we do need to have a talk today and clear the air since we were hurt by her behaviour. It would’ve taken a minute for her to call me and clear things up after her lunch with mom but instead she told her entire family the lies mom told her.
After reading posts on this subreddit, I think FMIL is a potential JNMIL. The way she didn’t even think to call me so I could explain and turned everyone against me in mere hours has made me wary of her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Lillllammamamma
My mom tried to do this with my MIL. The difference being my mother in law told her to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, and that it was clear she (mil) knew me better than my mom did, and that her attempts to poison her reflected badly on my mom, not me.
Your MIL doesn’t seem to be a safe person if she was so quick to believe and spread whatever your mom said. Proceed with caution going forward, however you and your STBH choose to do so.
The OP responded here:
ritahayworthisanicon
I’ll be honest I don’t know what I’m dealing with here. This family is a different kind of mental than my family. I thought my MIL was like yours but the way she spent all day driving to people’s houses to spread lies has me thinking I’ve got a JNMIL on my hands. I wanted to sign a prenup but SO says that’s not happening because we’re never getting divorced and if we do he wants me to get what I deserve.
MelodyRaine
Mother of Demons
"After what you did, listening to my abuser and then spreading her lies as fact without so much as asking me about any of it, I honestly don't know how or even if I could ever trust you again.
You dragged my name through the mud over pure fiction despite knowing me for (X) years, and only realized your mistake after I gave you irrefutable proof of who you were dealing with. How exactly am I supposed to trust you with so much as a pet rock going forward?"
Honestly MIL may have sentenced herself to being the grandmother who only gets video calls once a quarter or less.
The OP again responded:
ritahayworthisanicon
All I want is an apology in front of the entire family since she contacted everyone even the SIL she hates about me and my apparent gold digger status but SO has fully explained how his family works and it’s never happening. She’s just going to brush past it. Its like this never happened, I feel like I’m being gaslight, I finally understand why SIL is the way she is.
_Winterlong_
I think when you talk to MIL you should say the last few sentences of your post - be honest (and sad) that you can’t believe how fast she had everyone turned against you without talking to you. Why would she do such a thing?
What did you ever do to deserve such treatment? How will she do things differently in the future? Will she be contacting everyone else to apologize for what she said about you? Your opinion of her has changed forever and it has drastically changed the course of your relationship going forward. Don’t sugarcoat anything.
Again, the OP responded:
ritahayworthisanicon
MIL is very protective of her son and family’s money. Her brother has squandered a lot of money on girlfriends and wives and as the matriarch MIL wants to leave something for future generations. In regard to SO, my mother made it seem like I’ll stick around until I get a pay out.
I think she will do that because my SO has demanded it. It’s crazy how I went from being close to FSILs to them creating fake excuses not to see me. Now they’re back to being themselves. It’s going to be so awkward today.
Jennifer_Emmy
This is likely to be unpopular but please hear me out. First of all, your mom is a vile evil person that no longer deserves to reside in a single cell in your brain. Not ever again.
Your FMIL was clearly blindsided and while your feelings of hurt and anger and embarrassment are VERY valid and warranted she needs a modicum of forgiveness and grace. You’ve mentioned that another one of her children has made less than stellar life choices and as a result it has affected the family’s financial status.
Once she heard your mom's account of “your life choices” her alarm bells must have been ringing nonstop. Again, I totally understand how this has negatively affected your relationship with FMIL but prior to their meeting you loved and cherished her.
Conversations need to be had that are honest (and will undoubtedly be difficult) and heartfelt. It will take time for your betrayed heart to heal. But if FMIL is half the woman you thought you knew and loved, maybe (maybe?) she deserves the chance to redeem herself.
Allow yourself all the time you need to regain your footing. Be as cautious and guarded as you need to be. Lord knows your mother has forced you to build all kinds of walls and barriers around your heart.
But from my limited view from the outside looking in, this might be one of the times where forgiveness might be sometime you’d like to work on with FMIL. That said, be true to yourself and make sure you put your (and your FH’s) mental health first. Trust your head and heart to do what’s best going forward. ??