'My mother-in-law always calls me and my husband 'kiddos.'' UPDATED 2X
"My mother-in-law always calls me and my husband 'kiddos.'"
My severe narc MIL, who sends massive angry text messages filled with guilt trips and classic manipulation to my husband in which she insults us/him/me, always called us “kiddos.”
The “kiddos” nickname bothers me because of the other issues (see below). She refuses to let her son grow up and is very disrespectful toward us/him/me. It’s disturbing and “kiddos” feels like an extension of that.
We’re expecting our first child in May and I don’t want to have this disrespect around when the baby comes. Or is it not disrespect and I’m overreacting/on edge because of the other stuff? Advice? Guilt trips/manipulation include such classics as: “I did so much for you growing up and now all I want is this.”
“I lost the only person I had to talk to.” (She said this to my husband after we got married. Also, she cheated on her husband, they’re still together, but she still depends on my husband for her emotional needs)
“You abandoned [your ex-girlfriend] for someone we barely know.” (They broke up 6 months before we started dating. We are now 2 years together and married. We’ve spent tons of time with them. It’s never enough.)
She posted a photo of his ex girlfriend on her Facebook profile wishing her an extravagant “happy birthday.” No peep on my birthday, though, obvious.
“You’re selfish.” (She said this to my face in front of my husband when we decided to do our wedding how we wanted it. I said “agree to disagree” and walked away. ?♀️)
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Environmental_Rub256
She’s angry selfish and spoiled. She has zero respect for you and your husband.
SalisburyWitch
How the heck old is she? Kiddo is 1920’s slang. If she’s that old, maybe she has some memory issues.
The OP responded here:
MTTN1111
She’s 60. Very physically healthy. Owns a CrossFit gym and trains there. I think she uses “kiddo” as a power play.
sugarmonkey2019
I've always called the kids in my family "kiddo" I've never meant it in a condescending manner, and they've never taken it as such. They are comfortable enough with me to tell me if it bothers them and if they ever did, I'd stop immediately.
elamb127
Consequences for disrespectful actions comments. time out for a set amount of time. Ignoring your birthday, great you don't have to acknowledge hers. Or get her a mug or cushion with a photo of the ex on it, as she's obsessed with her. Passive aggressive comments, your partner calls her out at the time.
'What is the point of that comment?' What reaction are you wanting from me?' Your partner needs to reinforce that you aren't going anywhere and the ex disrespect stops now. With a time out consequence. Your MIL needs to be in her fuck around and find out phase now.
Two months later, the OP returned to vent more:
MTTN1111
MIL sent me the following text less than 24 hours after we got home from visiting for Christmas:
"Did I offend you in some way by putting the *** family photos on your page? I noticed you removed them. Would you rather I don't include you in future posts?"
Three things:
1) MIL posts more than anyone I've ever met and she always posts photos that I look TERRIBLE in. I have always had body image issues, and I'm pregnant, so it's tougher to deal with than usual.
To help me deal with it, I changed my Facebook settings to prevent tagged photos from automatically appearing on my profile. I cannot tell MIL about my insecurities because she will use them to hurt DH/me/us. I've already made this mistake once.
2) MIL treats DH/me/us like trash, so I have no interest in pretending we're one big happy family to satisfy her obsession with her public image.
3) MIL always contacts people about things like this while they're working. She also called DH demanding to know why her photos weren't on my profile. DH's words to me were: "She has to stop bugging me while I'm at work."
She does this to everyone - DH, his brother, her husband, etc. - but they just complain about it without setting a boundary. I consulted with my therapist before responding, and we came up with the following:
"I love being included in family photos! Thanks for checking, it was great to see you!"
This positive rerouting attempt didn't work, however, and MIL pushed the issue, saying, "I'm confused, If you love them why did you remove them?"
Therapist and I then came up with this: "MIL, I didn't remove anything. My settings don't automatically include tagged photos on my feed. As you can see, my extended family's photos from Thanksgiving that they posted are also not on my feed. Moving forward, I will not address things like this during work. If I am contacted for things like this during work, I will not respond."
MIL replied, "Sounds good." Then 15 minutes later, she posts the following on Facebook:
Know your place in people's lives and act accordingly. It's not pride, it's self respect. Two things you don't fight for...true love and true friends. They come naturally."
I'm just so exhausted with her middle school passive aggressive emotional intelligence. Anyone else deal with this bullshit from a MIL? What did you do?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Bubbadog999
Respond post “Thanks you so much for realizing you shouldn't be bothering family with relationship questions at the workplace! We really appreciated your self realization and intention to do better! Love you!”
MelodyRaine
Bonus points if you "like" her post and respond this way. It's beautiful!
MTTN1111 OP:
I love it ??
transl8pls
Block her. Would you even talk to this jerk twice if it wasn’t for your husband? No. You’d meet her once, decide she’s a overreacting control freak and walk away without a second glance. If she wants to see pix of you guys, she can haunt DH’s social media, if he even has any.
Remove her and block her from your pages. You’re too busy growing a human to deal with this BS. Also, keep her blocked, because you’re about to be too busy raising a human to deal with this BS.
One day later, the OP returned with an update: "TOXIC TEXT FROM MIL":
So, as expected, MIL completely lost her marbles over the boundary I set after consulting my therapist.
This is the text she sent DH after I set the boundary:
"DH, your Aunt *** and Aunt *** would absolutely never speak this way to my mother because my brothers would not stand for such disrespect. You are the man of the house, grow a set.
Who does she think she is sending me this message? I moved past being blocked by a stranger and my son allowing it. I embraced her and showed her nothing but love. I will not be disrespected, lied to, nor judged by someone who has never walked a day in my shoes.
The post with her "extended family" is STILL on her page, although she texted yesterday that it was not. I don't understand and I no longer care. Childhood pain or not, I do not deserve these words. If you also feel this way about me, feel free to block me. I know my heart."
MIL had a meltdown because I didn't share her Christmas post on my own Facebook profile. She accused me of removing photos. I explained to her that tagged posts/photos don't appear on my profile because of my settings. I pointed out that I didn't remove anything and my extended family's posts are also not there.
This is what she thinks I'm lying about, but I'm not. I posted my own photos. I did not share my extended family's posts. I planned to share my photos from her side of the family before all of this BS, but now there's no way in hell I will. I didn't lie --- she just doesn't understand how Facebook works, apparently.
The therapist-approved message I sent: "MIL, I didn't remove anything. My settings don't automatically include tagged photos on my feed. As you can see, my extended family's photos from Thanksgiving that they posted are also not on my feed.
Moving forward, I will not address things like this during work. If I am contacted for things like this during work, I will not respond." I genuinely have zero clue what part of this message is "disrespectful" or judgmental.
It's verbatim what my therapist approved. The way she talks to her son, my husband, ENRAGES me. DH said he hasn't read the message because he's sick of her BS. I don't blame him. I'm sick of it, too.
We decided to just ignore the message. I sent screenshots to my therapist, with DH's permission, but haven't heard back yet (understandable since it's the weekend). Imagine having a meltdown about social media at 60-years-old. What would you do at this point?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the latest update from the OP:
Jazzlike_Adeptness_1
Well first I’d unfriend her. Then I’d go completely NC. She’s a bottomless pit of neediness and narcissism. This BS about ‘liking’ photos makes my blood boil. I’m 60.+ and I’ve never had Facebook because of people like her. Stop engaging with her in any way, shape, or form. Your blood pressure will thank you.
Pleasant_Garden9065
This is what she wants. She is the center of you and your husband's life. Let that sink in ... SHE IS THE CENTER OF YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND'S LIVES. She will always cause chaos. Only you and your husband can release yourselves of that. Don't give her any more power. She is irrational, unreasonable, toxic, and abusive.
I have survived the malignant, narcissistic, targeted abuse of my ex-mil. My marriage, unfortunately, did not. But yours can. Be truthful with yourself about what this is. This is how she operates. In chaos. She causes chaos and harm. All of this over some social media posts??
You didn't share her post? Fast enough? Whatever. Chaos. You will never please her. You should stop trying. That's the mistake I made. Stop explaining. She's determined to misunderstand you. She called you a stranger.
Don't gloss over that. It's significant. She's telling you everything. You and your husband should save yourselves because the 2 of you (and your children) are now the only family that matters.
MTTN1111 OP:
You’re so right. I’m so sorry your MIL destroyed your marriage, but I’m glad you didn’t let her destroy you. Destruction seems to be all these MIL’s know. That’s a good point about the stranger aspect, too.
WinterBadger
So long as he doesn't respond, she'll figure it out. She wants the attention. She wants you and him to go off on her and fight. Let her be in misery without y'all. The approved message was for YOU to effectively communicate, it wasn't for HER to receive it well because we can only control ourselves.
Most people don't know how FB works and that's their problem. She needs to go figure out her unresolved trauma and leave you both out of her firing range. At some point he also needs to establish boundaries, but baby steps are good too by not responding.
Queensknow
Just block her and everyone from his side of the family. You can remain friends, but they won’t see any updates except for your profile and background picture.
All you have to do is create a post (but don’t post it yet) then customize your audience. You can list all the people you want to block from that post on. Once you have everyone blocked that you want blocked, then you post it.
That way she can’t see anything you post but you’re still friends. I do this with a ton of people to avoid drama. You can also just remove your tag from her pictures when she tags you. That way anyone on your friend’s list who isn’t a mutual friend won’t see it.