Mother calls daughter a hypocrite and 'used up' for leaving open marriage. AITA?
"JNMom is blaming me for my divorce."
I'm currently in the middle of finalizing my divorce with my STBX. My lawyer says I should be a single woman some time after the new year, since the divorce has been amicable overall.
Unfortunately, my mom has been less than supportive. Even more unfortunately, she found out the real reason why we're getting a divorce in the first place. Long story short, my ex and I had opened up our marriage and it just caused a lot of pain and resentment where I fell out of love and initiated the divorce. He didn't want to, but didn't fight me too much when I was firm about it.
From the beginning, my mom was very against divorce. She's always been about image, so she can't fathom any reason for divorce because "what will people say?" I also think my mom just never liked me. For as long as I can remember, I've been criticized for being "not enough."
Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not talented enough - you get the idea. She used to pit my sister and I against each other too, often praising my sister for being her "twin" and the like.
So when she first found out I was getting a divorce, she was furious. She told me I was an idiot for "quitting when the going gets tough" and for leaving a man like my ex.
She always liked him, and had believed that he was way out of my league. According to her, a wife should always forgive the faults of the husband, because that was what women sign up for when they get married.
It was bad enough before she found out the reason. Unfortunately, during one of our arguments on a phone call (I skipped going to her house for Christmas, a whole other can of worms for another day), I let it slip about the marriage going to hell once it opened up. The conversation, which had already been bad, turned ugly.
She started defending my ex immediately. She said that if I had just been a better wife, then my ex never would have opened up the marriage. That I should have known something like this would happen because I was always out of my ex's league so of course he would want to look outside of the marriage.
That at least my ex was kind to ask for an open marriage and not just outright cheat.That I was just being petty, because all men look for a little excitement outside of marriage and it's no big deal, as long as they come home to their wives. She even said that since I also "fooled around" in the open marriage, I was just as guilty, a wh0r3, and a hypocrite for trying to leave my ex.
It was a very long and draining phone call. I was in tears by the end of it. My mom was the one who hung up on me, telling me that if I can't just let this one thing go, I'm going to end up "fat and alone" because no one wants a "used up" divorced woman.
This happened a few days ago, and I'm still depressed about it. It doesn't help she keeps texting me and telling me to the change my mind. My mom has never been on my side, but just once, I wish she was.
I have support from my friends and sister, as well as my therapist, but this divorce and everything relating to it has been so exhausting. I would kill for a mom that was on my side without question and actually wanted to support me. I know my mom is never going to change, but it still hurts to know you'll never be good enough.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
If you bother speaking to her again, just say "well he's available now if you want to take a crack at him, because you seem very keen" and see what she splutters out.
This is EXACTLY what I was thinking. OP, it seems it's time to put your Mom on an information diet. Look into what Grey rock is, and consider this approach if you want to maintain contact with her. I don't think anyone would fault you for going no contact or low contact with your Mother. She is less than helpful. You deserve so much more!
Do you have a therapist to walk you through going no contact with your abusive mother? I have two daughters and I'd like to fight your mom right now. Hugs if you want them.
Why do you talk to her? She sounds like a soul sucker. Your life is none of her business. Please have as little contact as possible with her.
throwra437893 (OP)
She is, but at the moment, blocking her is more trouble than it is worth. I tried years ago, and the wave of guilt tripping I received from every single family member that seemed to crawl out of the woodwork to harass me into speaking to her again. I don't have the mental capacity right now to go NC with her. Maybe some day though.
I think your mom is projecting her own feelings of inadequacy onto you. How many times did she stuff her own feelings down and let a man hurt her just so people wouldn't look at her different? Every word of hate out of her mouth is just telling you the truth of who she is inside. Withered up, hateful, disrespectful, etc., it's all a reflection of her lonesome self.
throwra437893 (OP)
I'm sure my dad helped shaped her into the person she is. I can't confirm it myself, but my sister and I are pretty sure he had a series of affairs while we were growing up. In public, they're the happy couple, but at home, we heard a lot of late night arguments.
I'm so sorry that she's making things harder. Your mom doesn't get to be against the divorce if she's not in the marriage. Those things she said about it being "no big deal", and "your lucky he told you" are complete BS. You don't have to accept that in a relationship. This isn't the 1950's, women are not second class citizens, and all men don't cheat on their wives/need open relationships.