Woman's MIL invades her vacation with husband; claims it was an accident. UPDATED
"AITA for saying my MIL is pressuring me by showing up at our Airbnb on vacation with croissants unannounced?"
coffee_croissants
Background: Me (31F) and my husband (36M) planned a trip to Prague with our 11m old. My husband and I live in the US, my MIL lives in Europe. My MIL asked if she could come with a friend at the same time, so that we could all do a few meals and some little sightseeing together.
I was cool with that and on board with the idea. She would book a hotel separately but also have a friend to do stuff with. Dial forward to the vacation: Turns out MIL's friend never committed and MIL went alone.
My feelings: I felt ambushed. She had months to tell us that her friend wasn't coming, and didn't. The result of this is that either she wanders through Prague alone knowing we're there the entire time, or she joins us. I never intended for this to be a vacation spent with my MIL so I'm pretty annoyed (husband is as well).
"The background of her being alone:"
Either I'm the a**$ole who tells her we're willing to spend 2-3 days with her tops OR I suck it up and let her be with us the entire time.
She confused the day she arrived vs the day we arrived and texted us mentioning she's going sightseeing alone and is excited to see us. This is how we found out two days before our flight that her friend isn't coming.
When we land, my MIL was waiting at the front door of the building of our Airbnb. When we ask her to wait elsewhere, she says she's at a park close to our Airbnb and is ready to meet with us.
"The event that causes an argument between me and my husband:"
The following morning she texts us that she's near our Airbnb with a bag of croissants that she bought for us all, if we're free/ready.
"Why this sets me off:"
We already asked her to not come to the building unannounced, it just adds pressure to us to move faster to see her. So, it doesn't matter if she adds a clause regarding us being ready/free -we have a toddler and are jetlagged as it is.
Her showing up and saying she's nearby in case we're ready to meet up is just annoying. Either I say no and I'm the a**hole to my MIL, which is always uncomfortable. Or, I get ready quickly and we meet with her and I just hold in how annoyed I am.
While I'm down to find a croissant anywhere, I'm not in Prague just to have croissants. I would like the local breakfast options as well and would like to choose what I eat.
So, AITA for being annoyed with her? I expected my husband to tell her it's not ok to show up unannounced/ without being asked. But, do I suck it up and not say anything. My husband thinks I'm overreacting over croissants. Again it's a compounding of events on the same trip that made me feel like my boundaries were being repeatedly ignored.
I'll add more context. In my opinion, this is the bare minimum to avoid bias while maintaining the situation at hand.
INFO:
My husband did tell MIL when she showed up after we landed that it was weird and to not wait at the door of the building. So, she went and waited at the park. This happened the day prior to the croissant incident. My husband has been vocal to her but in my opinion, either:
1. She ignores what we say and does whatever she wants or:
2. Something is lost in communication between my husband and MIL. The question isn't if my husband stood up for me or not. He did try and argued with his mom. However, given the end result, something didn't work out.
From my perspective, I felt invaded and would rather avoid traveling with my MIL in the future. My husband thinks I'm being unreasonable on this front given that my MIL had good intentions.
INFO 2:
There are questions regarding how often my MIL sees us. Over the past 12 months, we saw her:
2 weeks in August 2022, 3 weeks in December- January 2023, 1 week in June (Prague, the trip has passed), 2 weeks in October 2023 (she visits us in our tourist city) and 1 week in December-Jan 2023.
I don't want to add bias given that the question here is really if I am the AH for being annoyed about her showing up randomly. But yes, she has seen her grandson a lot.
INFO 3:
This trip already happened. I don't want to mention every incident but there was head butting and arguments transpired. We spent the week with her. We felt bad asking her to babysit in evenings since when our son is sleeping, my MIL isn't really getting to spend quality time with him, she is moreso just trapped in the living room.
The reason I made this post was to prevent this from happening again, since clearly boundaries were either ignored or we didn't communicate clearly. However, every time I mention this situation to my husband to try to talk through it, we end up arguing.
INFO 4:
My issue isn't about visiting my MIL. We visit her every time we touch European soil, and I enjoy seeing her. My issue is that I don't want to travel/explore with my MIL. My husband wants to do a vacation with her each year specifically, so spending time where we visit her home isn't the question as we plan to continue to do that.
Here were the top rated comments after the intial post from the OP:
TarzanKitty
Enjoy Prague with your son. Your MIL can enjoy Prague with her son. She totally hijacked your family vacation. I would be super annoyed as well.
fckingirriterende
YTA, how small of you to shoo her away from the property you’re renting and her son is just accepting you treating his mom like she’s some unwanted stranger. I hate how people on Reddit act like family is just disposable.
Temporary_Fennel7479
YTA she’s family show her some respect 🫡 😂 how unbearable can she be ? And your only holidaying and then going home.
Special_Lemon1487
Tell him to enjoy the croissants 🥐
exsea
This. She ruined your vacay with her son. let her enjoy it with her son. You go and enjoy the rest of it yourself. Don't cry over spilt milk.
The OP then returned with an update:
coffee_croissants
Thanks everyone for the feedback! I feel like most are pretty polarized on this topic. I'm going to try to have a bit more empathy for MIL, she just wants to see her son/grandson. I don't agree with how she went about it, by forcing her way into our vacation and then not understanding why it was frustrating.
As mentioned in comments and earlier in this post, we see her every time we go to Europe, and we make an effort to stay in touch and keep her in the loop. My issue is NOT visiting her, my issue IS her coming with us on travel plans.
At this point, I've made my boundaries clear to my husband. He said he would like to take 1 week a year to do some travelling with MIL, and I'll plan my 1 week trip separately. Traveling with my MIL is something I won't budge on but this compromise could be our solution.
A few people said my MIL may have never had a friend coming and that she's lonely. She has been separated from my husband's father since he was a child, and she chose to not pursue another romantic interest after that. BUT she has a very full and colorful social life filled with friends and colleagues.
She does actually travel a lot with her friends, so I don't think she was lying about bringing a friend. But, I think she maybe booked and figured she'd find someone before the trip and then wasn't able to.
That being said, even if a friend did come with her, I think her goal/interest was always to spend as much time as possible with her son/grandson, and the plan of spending a few meals and a little sightseeing together was just never going to happen. It was always going to be all in, and I should have never agreed to this overlap setup to begin with.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's update:
emptynest_nana
NTA, it's definitely a crappy situation. Like a double edged sword. Damned either way. Set some firm boundaries. You will meet up with her at whatever time. While you feel bad her friend didn't join, this was not the arrangements you agreed to. Be firm but fair.
Inside-Guidance-7281
NTA. This is your vacation as a couple/family. You have the right to enjoy several days and nights alone. Do what you want and maybe you can plan something special for her like twice a week so she looks forward to it. Don’t get sucked into spending the entire time with her. Geez I really hope the “friend” initially coming wasn’t a ruse.
babcock27
I'm doubtful of the friend. MIL wanted to hijack your vacation in a way you couldn't say no to. If she tries it again, you can be a b*tch and tell her this is a vacation for you and your family, not her. Then, if she shows up, tell her you already discussed it.
You've got a husband problem and he won't keep your plans secret. He needs to understand that you don't want to be a foursome on vacation. I get that she wants to see her grandson but she's overstepping boundaries and using your son as the excuse.
She has plenty of other opportunities to see him and it makes things too complicated for you with a small child trying to accommodate her wishes while she steamrolls over you and your plans (including getting rest from jet lag.)
If you don't agree with your husband now, you will be spending all of your vacations with her. I suggest a marriage counselor to deal with this issue of him choosing to do what his mommy wants at your expense. NTA.
Belasarus
YTA - This thread is nuts. Only Reddit can look at a grandmother bringing you treats and call her the a**hole.