'MIL did a paternity test on our baby without our consent.' + 3 Year Update
"MIL did a paternity test on our baby without our consent"
isthisreallyfknlife
To give some detail. I'm just finding out, he told me it was something weighing on his heart. Our baby is 4 and it happened when L.o was a few months. She did it without his knowledge when he went to the bathroom.
MIL never wanted us together and never really liked me. When I told her I was pregnant she told me I should abort with child. She kept trying to convince my S.o that our baby wasn't his.
He told her there's no doubt and to leave said subject alone. She is a bit uppity but cordial type of woman. I've always tried to get along with her but the overbearing, nit picking, insulting nice nasty attitude has always rubbed me the wrong way.
She's tried to pull us apart every chance she got anytime we would argue. She's the type that always wants her son around and to go everywhere with her. She doesn't like that we text alot or talk on the phone so much.
The amount of possessiveness she has on him is cringe, because he's an adult. You would think a 25 year old could make his own decisions without his mom trying to have a hand in everything. When the test proved our child was his she brushed it off and if anything was annoyed.
He was upset and told her she shouldve just left it tf alone. I dont understand how someone with health problems would have room to be this vile. This lady pretends to be this upstanding woman but really she is a cowardly ass snake. I kind of feel that way about S.o for holding this secret and never properly standing up to his mom.
So here I am 3 years later and I feel violated. Disgusted with her, heartbroken, and just Exhausted! We have been playing nice for so long and this feels like the last straw. I've been feeling depressed this is only making it worse and I feel sort of empty. I no longer want to be around her or have my children around her (we have 2 children btw).
UPDATE: To answer some of your questions you might have. She did a grandparent dna test so he was not involved. The reason he told me is because his guilty conscious was eating at him, he was having dreams about being a failure to this family not leading how he should lead.
We are renting from my mom while saving for a house. S.o mom lives 2 doors down the block along with the rest of his family next to her, so they are always in our business. I've been ignoring all the signs and shadyness from her.
I've ignored his mommy boyish ways and now I'm here...Kinda fkd because who wants to beef I literally want peace always have. But in her eyes I've never been good enough. So this is the last straw for me I'm done feeling uncomfortable and she would never get another opportunity to pull some weird shit with my kids again.
S.o is upset he didn't put his foot down how he should've. He tries but she always pushes back or stops then starts up again. She saying she was just being a mother and I would understand one day. I don't see how the hell that is, because what type of person sneakingly swabs a BABY! that's sick!
She's mad at him now for telling me and feels I'm really mad at him because he's in between jobs rn. So in her mind I'm trying to find a way to break up with him. This lady is not very good with accountability.
She does help every once and a while and is always paid back( when I say help like 20 bucks for gas and that is not often probably asked 3 times) She doesn't really babysit because she's not always feeling good.
we signed up for couples therapy today. I dont know if this could get better or will I ever look at him the same, because this isnt his first secret. I appreciate the honesty but he waits and lets stuff eat at him then releases on me.
Last but not least I thought he was a nice/good person but really she just had him sheltered and under her control and I disrupted all that.
Edit: another thing I failed to mention s.o has epilepsy so maybe that's where the smothering comes from. So I try to give him grace, but it's all just alot to deal with.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
misstiff1971
Mommy's boy needs to stop telling his family ANY of your business. He needs a spine. If she says jack about you being upset with him - he needs to clarify that you are only upset that with him because he is spineless. You are done with her and her perpetual disrespect. She is now on the outside. This is from you and the children. She is not welcome in your home ever.
Commercial_Chain5929
Agree. This is a so problem as much as a mil issue.
Friendly-Beyond-6102
I wonder who your SO's dad really is... Just wondering... Or maybe MIL wasqn't really her father's daughter? For me, this would be immediate NC. Couples therapy will show you if your marriage is salvagable, and I certainly hope it is. Your MIL went behind your husbands back too, if I understand it correctly, so the bulk of the blame lies with her.
The OP responded here:
isthisreallyfknlife
I never thought about that. But the grandfather does have outside babies (you know how stuff was back in the days) good point! I'm hoping it's salvageable too. Just having a hard time being around him rn.
Friendly-Beyond-6102
Just give yourself some grace. It's OK to be upset. This is all pretty shocking, but you'll be able to sort it out in therapy. I feel pretty bad for you SO as well, but he really did this to himself, even though he meant no harm.
He did end up telling you because he felt bad, and not because you found out. If you can sort this out, and get him to stand up to his mom, that's a win for you, in the end.
wakingdreamland
Don’t trust her alone with your child. But don’t be surprised when he caves and takes the kiddo to see her while you’re at work. You have a very serious husband problem.
Has he ever successfully drawn a hard boundary and put his foot down with anything important? If the answer is ‘no,’ this probably won’t change fully unless therapy is wildly effective. He hid this from you for years! What else is he hiding?
The OP again responded:
isthisreallyfknlife
Alot I don't want to even get into that because ik yall would say WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE!? But let's just say they keep secrets. I'm a stahm for now so my kids aren't going anywhere lol he really does try but he's way too nice so it's not respected.
She honestly thinks very little of him and feels he's naive. That's literally what she told him yesterday. That was her reasoning for doing the test because he can't make good decisions on his own in her head. Shit I might agree with her on that one because look where we're at!
MurkyJournalist5825
Your husband needs to look up grey rock and he needs to implement this for his mom. She doesn’t need to know a thing about your family other than you are “fine”.
And any woman who immediately thinks a baby isn’t a man’s typically has been involved in some shady crap herself and that’s why she immediately thought the baby wasn’t his. I’d ask for no contact with grandma until she proves with DNA that all her children are hers.