"MIL has decided not to show up at our wedding."
Hi, new user here. We're planning an intimate wedding with just immediate family. Throughout the process, MIL and FIL have asked us to invite more family and were even bold enough to ask us to invite more ppl after the RSVP deadline passed.
SO told them we want to keep it intimate, but they still insisted we bring so and so. MIL was on the phone telling SO that she does not want to show up at our wedding because it just doesn't feel right that they won't be there and that she would give up her seat just for them to be there.
We're both so hurt right now. She should be there. And yet we're being punished for doing our wedding this way and everyone wants to have an opinion about it lately. People have small weddings all the time. This isn't new. She even had only a couple of people present when she got married.
SO and I have been together for over a decade and yet I still don't consider myself close to MIL despite my efforts over the years. For the longest time I've been confused about her actions and disappointed in her for not taking an active role in our relationship.
I hear her affectionately say that she loves me over the phone, then next thing you know she ignores my messages and calls/texts SO instead. I invite her to do something together and she announces at dinner that she wants to get to know my BIL's gf (dating 1 year in) better and invites her out. She sure moved faster to get to know her better than with me.
Perhaps the most recent blow to me is that after my mom passed away she has not reached out to me at all. I didn't care that she didn't give any condolence gifts or anything, it just hurt that she didn't at least check in on me.
I shared my woes to a friend and she goes, "Maybe she's jealous of you." I couldn't agree with her at first but then it started to look that way after thinking about it some more.
I don't enjoy any part of planning this wedding anymore. I've been emotional all week. How MIL has been acting is the last straw for me, but I still want her there for my SO. She needs to be a supportive mother and be there by her son.
Should I talk to her and try to convince her to go? How do I even tactfully do this? I feel that SO doesn't want me to speak to her about this. If she ends up not showing up, it's going to wreck us both and affect us for years. How do I even still have a relationship with her after that? Thanks for reading.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
LandofGreenGinger62
"I'm not coming if you don't invite X, Y snd Z."
"That's OK, we understand. You'll be missed."
Then just LEAVE it. No engaging with any further pressure, tantrums, tears or shenanigans. Just blank it all and carry on your own sweet way. She'll be there, I bet you any money, no matter what she says — what, miss out on being mother of the groom and all that lovely, lovely attention?? Not her. She only wants more people there so she can perform to a bigger crowd...
Sweetie, I know it's hard, and you're hurting. But will it be better if you give in and have her wedding, rather than your own..? Look elsewhere on here at the many, many stories there are from people who did this, and how bitterly they regretted it, and how it stuck with them, for years after, that they'd let her ruin their day.
And all for nothing, too, as it never leads on to a better relationship with them, not once — just the reverse. Do your own thing, hon — and try to put her out of mind. Good luck.
Sudden-Pomegranate95
“Hi MIL, we are very sorry that you won’t be at our wedding but we understand and respect your decision. We will send photos when we have them. Thank you for letting us know before our big day”
Watch how quickly she back peddles when she realises you’re not letting her meddle. Let this be your hill to die on. MIL has zero intention of skipping your wedding she just thinks this is a grand gesture of how much she wants these people there and she’s oh so important that the threat of her withdrawing presence is enough for you to change your whole weddings plan around.
Simply don’t let it. You don’t need her there scrutinising your day and making you feel awkward anyway. If she attends she attends upon your say so and follows your plan. If she tries anything funny she gets kicked out.
kayt3000
“I am sorry you feel that way, I will let the catering now to remove your RSVP” and leave it at that. Balls in your court, she’s trying to get her way and she thinks this is how it will happen. Don’t let her win. Don’t beg. It’s what she wants.
Anonymous0212
You are taking too much responsibility for trying to fix your relationship with her, and having it affect your wedding to this extent is something you will probably regret. The absolute truth is that no matter how hard we try, not everybody will like us, even if we desperately want them to because they're family.
So you and your fiancé are both banging your head against that wall making yourself miserable because there's no door there. Again: there is no door there, at least not right now. There may never be, and the sooner you accept that she's freely choosing her relationship with you the better.
Ideally before the wedding, and set your boundaries accordingly. Do whatever you need to do to stop choosing to make yourself unhappy over something y'all can't control.
swoosie75
It’s been 10 years, this is who she is to you. Drop the rope and stop caring. She has made it clear she won’t be close with you. She’s going to try to be with BIL’s GF, likely the golden child? Let your husband deal with his mom. Plan the wedding you want, stick to your guns. Call her out on her ridiculousness!!
Later OP came back with this update:
Thank you everyone for your comments. I may not be able to reply to every single one of you, but thought I should let you all know that I appreciate the advice and support. Your insights have helped me come to realize things about relationships, family, and most importantly myself. So, thank you for that.
FH and I are keeping our wedding small as it is and not falling for MIL's manipulation. If she doesn't show up, it'll be something that she'll have to deal with on her own when confronted about why she wasn't there for her own son's wedding.
I haven't initiated contact with her and will keep it this way from now on. I've come to accept that I'll never have the relationship that I hoped to have with her and to just focus on myself and my FH and to follow his lead in dealing with his family.