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Woman's MIL blames her for her cardiac problems; 'you broke my heart.' + Update

Woman's MIL blames her for her cardiac problems; 'you broke my heart.' + Update

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"MIL blamed us for her heart problems"

GnastyGnorx

Today was an absolute disaster. My MIL and FIL have been dreadful since our little one (LO) was born. I (mistakenly) poured my heart out to my MIL a couple of months ago on the phone, telling her I really want her to put more of an effort into FaceTiming so she could form a relationship with LO. Crickets ever since.

MIL has treated me like an incubator and I stopped letting her walk all over me. I stood up for myself and set boundaries. Because of this I started getting excluded from conversations, my husband got lots of passive aggressive comments, and she and FIL really attempted to pretend I don’t exist while trying to get access to my baby. Luckily I have a wonderful husband (DH) who saw through it.

He has been really upset about his mom’s coldness and lack of support towards us. He has been dodging phone calls and not replying to texts over the past two weeks because he hasn’t known how to speak to her about it, which has led to some upsetting text messages from both MIL and FIL.

They have been begging him to call and “please tell us what’s wrong, we have no idea”. Today was the day he decided it was time to clear the air with them and it went worse than we could’ve anticipated.

My husband told them he’s really upset about their constant refusal to speak to me even though they complain about not seeing LO. He said we are together 24/7 and there’s no excuse after we have asked them to get in touch multiple times.

My MIL replied with “the phone goes both ways” which we anticipated. She complained about not getting photos of LO even though she’s been told she broke our trust by sending photos to people without asking. Context: My MIL has pre-existing heart issues. Some of the things that were said:

“We are the only grandparents on earth who don’t get photos of our grandchild”

“Our feelings are hurt, this isn’t all about you”

“We aren’t bad guys, we are nice normal people” (this was random and came out of nowhere lol)

FIL said “mom has been having heart pains recently because of the stress of you guys and quite frankly I’m worried about her” (not worried enough to take her to hospital about it though?)

“No one cares about us anymore because we are parents! And old!” (??????)

“My heart is hurting!” (This guilt trip was pissing us off a lot, it was just nasty)

FIL eventually asked how we move forward, and DH said “with an apology”. FIL said “we would apologize but we have nothing to say sorry for”. When I spoke to them and said I’ve been hurt because they exclude me from everything, treat me like an incubator, and would rather do anything BUT speak to me to have a relationship with LO, they said “you’re not the only one with feelings”.

The conversation ended when DH said we aren’t ready to forgive and forget yet and need time to think because of their inability to apologize. FIL asked when he’d be ready and DH doesn’t he doesn’t know. MIL shouts “maybe when LO is 10!” and begins yelling. DH hung up after that.

Exhausted. I am hurting for my DH who is an incredible husband, father, and son. I think NC I around the corner for us as this is not a relationship I envision getting better. How can you fix things with someone who can’t see how their actions hurt others? Our history is awful but I just wish our future had the potential to be good.

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

mamabear-50

“You’re not the only one with feelings.”

True. But you are the only ones with a child THEY want to see.

ILoatheCailou

I’d suggest you and your husband read the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents”. Your in-laws click all the boxes. It might give your husband an insight into how they think and behave.

Boo155

So I just read your post about her laughing at your pre-partum health issues and honestly I would have cut her off then. Treat her probably-fake heart issues with the same care and concern she showed about your REAL health issues. You can't fix things with them because they refuse to see how their actions hurt others. Cut them off and have a GREAT future.

Beginning_Letter431

"my heart hurts because I'm being held accountable"

Yes mil mine hurts every time you disrespect me, guess we are equal there.

Drop the ball and walk away. Sorry MIL won't be when lo is 10 try 21+

LeoRose33

Her heart problem is that she doesn’t have one.

Two days later, the OP returned with a surprising update.

"URGENT: in-laws just turned up at our house from another state, uninvited and unannounced"

GnastyGnorx

We were out getting groceries and I had a call from my next door neighbour saying people were banging on our door. I checked our camera and there were MIL and FIL.

We waited until they left. Neighbour checked the street for their car and gave us the all clear. We have grabbed some things, our baby’s things, and we are headed to our friends house for a few hours.

What the heck do we do? This is so painful. See my previous post for some context, but oh my god we asked for an apology and some space and this is the opposite.

Here were the top rated comments from readers after the latest update from the OP:

MurkyJournalist5825

Listen I’m not telling you to do something inappropriate but looking at your previous posts your MIL has “ forgotten” that you had health problems. “Forgotten” to tell FIL you were having major testing in the hospital for these heart problems.

She’s “ forgotten” that you set boundaries around visits. She’s forgotten the conversations you’ve had about feeling like an incubator and she’s apparently“ forgotten “ that she’s not invited to your home for a few more weeks.

Essentially she’s “forgotten “ every important conversation since you became pregnant. She’s also forgotten that medicine and baby care has completely changed in 30 years like every other thing in the damn world. She’s “ forgotten“ about the concept of progress YET can FaceTime…

In my opinion your MiL isn’t mentally equipped to hold a baby or care for a baby or be around an unwell postpartum person because she forgets how to human. If I were you I’d tell husband this.

I’d tell him that your child isn’t up to visit with a women who cannot think hard enough to remember that other people exist in the world and who doesn’t remember anything you say . That’s a dangerous person around a baby.

Whether it’s age, dementia , raging narcissism doesn’t really matter . She’s not safe to have around. And if you really think about it; her wanting to come stay with you and bring great grandma 2 weeks after baby is born is not what any pediatrician would recommend these days. RSV/ pneumonia/covid is everywhere ( as you unfortunately found out; im sorry that happened).

She’s a danger to you whether it’s purposeful or not . You need to continue VVVLC until she understands her place. She may never, but keep her at arm’s length until then. And tell your husband to stop telling her anything. Grey rock immediately.

Port-au-prince

It's HIS family; HE needs to be the one dealing with it. If it were your parents, you'd be dealing with it.

Rose717

Tell the neighbor to call the police anyway, you call the police. Does it matter that they’re related? It’s unwanted people aggressively trying to get into your house, banging at the door like that.

What if your neighbor got the plates and made a call to the police (neighborhood watch) about seeing that without telling you beforehand and possibly not knowing these were your in-laws ? What would your response be? Why do your in-laws even deserve a heads up that their presence is unwanted.

Pipsqueek409

Nothing like having a good neighbor who has your back! My evil sisters did this too and what worked for me was putting up No Trespassing signs with their names, pictures of their cars and a request to call police if they were ever spotted on my property. They never tried that again.

So, do you think the OP is being petty for holding a grudge or do her in-laws need to apologize and back off?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit
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