Wife says MIL wants to control her husband; MIL says she's 'caring for him wrong.'
"I'm 38 weeks pregnant and my MIL just won't stop."
Significant-Lack-392
This pregnancy and trying to get pregnant has been really hard on me. It took us 1.5 years to get pregnant and two rounds of IUI. I've had three miscarriages prior that MIL was an a** about.
I've been trying to hold it together for my husband, because if I don't it'll end up with an all out family war. His family is VERY dramatic. Anything is a slight to them and they don't care about boundaries, never take no for an answer. It's just insane what they think is okay.
My husband's sister has been trying to help me and telling me that the whole family is here for us, but it just doesn't seem like it. I'll give you some examples of what MIL has done.
I scheduled an induction for 39 weeks because my baby will kick or sit on my vagal nerve which has caused me to pass out without warning several times. They also like to sit on my CRPS nerves causing my leg to either go limp, numb, or feel like it's being ripped apart by a lion. I told MIL the date and she started questioning me and making me feel guilty for doing an induction.
When I try to involve her in stuff it has to be her way, not what's most helpful for me or my husband. I said I needed help meal prepping after Costco. She said she could only help by helping me make the grocery list for Costco(?????).
MIL has demanded a list of things to 'help' me after my husband goes back to work. I've said I'll try but I have no brain cells and she acts like I'm pushing her out. Like if she was actually going to be helpful and do as asked I would, but good lord.
She talked to my husband and me separately and together multiple times after being told no, about how we need to re-home our dog because he was a stray and is still being trained. The dog is fine, he doesn't hurt anyone and I've had dogs around babies and kids and grew up with several and trained them.
She finished out any kind of request she made that MUST be followed with 'well that's just my opinion and I made it known so I won't say it again.'
She says I start things when I or my husband are truly just defending ourselves, he's setting a boundary for me, or saying no for me.
This list is just stuff she's done in the past two months. I'm just fully done with her. She doesn't listen to my husband and I'm just trying to not start fights. I'm just tired, drained and don't want to deal with any of this.
I've been really struggling with how to involve MIL in 'helping' me. But I feel like she won't listen and will just do the opposite because it's what she wants.
Here were the top rated commented from readers after this initial post:
TheMemoryLivesOn
Speaking from experience, please let them know your boundaries NOW, let them blow up, create drama, let them do whatever they have time for but let it all happen far away from you. If you don't, they will never stop and the older your child gets, the worse it will be.
You definitely don't need a person like her near you during the first few weeks after your baby is born. I can't stress enough just how bad that would be for your mental health, your baby or your marriage. Sorry, but MIL is irrelevant here, you and your little family come first.
So please don't make my mistakes and just be the 'bad guy'. That's who you are in her eyes anyway so own it and do what is best for your mental and physical health because your baby needs a healthy and happy mother. Save yourself the misery and tell your husband what you want/don't want and let him make it happen.
Your MIL had her children and did whatever she wanted, now she can back off and let you do the same. If she doesn't, she can't see you for a while. Her choice.
TickingTiger
The only way to preserve your peace is to not involve your MIL at all. No help from her, because her 'help' isn't help, it's interference. There's nothing you can do about the things you've already told her, but stop telling her anything about your pregnancy or baby.
She will show up and take over if you give even an inch. Also don't count on her for childcare because she will not respect your rules for raising your child.
VariousTry4624
At this point it is all about, your baby, you and your husband. That is what the focus has to come down to. Anything-or anyone--outside of that small circle is extremely secondary. Pregnancy, birth and post-partum are NOT public events for the entertainment of the extended family.
This being the case, it's time to stop worrying about placating MIL. She is going to be unhappy no matter what you do. Stiffen your spines, except the fact you are going to displease her and just tell her to back off until YOU decide you need her help. Good luck.
The OP responded here:
Significant-Lack-392
Thanks. My biggest fear isn't that I'll get hurt, it's that my husband will in the crossfire. That's why I have been silent for so long and trying to not blow up.
10 days later, the OP returned with an update:
Significant-Lack-392
Well the problem seems to have resolved itself... Somewhat.
First off, we had the baby and we are home safe and sound. He was born via C-section Saturday and had to stay in the NICU for a few days. My epidural failed to where everything was numb except the right side of my uterus and bladder.
Then baby's cord was semi prolapsed next to his head. They had no time to redo my epidural so they fully sedated me and rushed me to the OR. Very painful and traumatic for me. The baby came out gray and it was touch and go all night and I could only communicate with my husband over video call from the NICU to see him.
MIL didn't visit at all in the hospital. Which I thought was odd but I attributed it to doctors saying that no one except my husband and I could see the baby. I kept asking when his mom should come over to see the baby since we were going home and husband said he'd figure it out or he's thinking about it.
I told him I was going to just text his mom to come over and he said DONT. Like very sternly. Last night I got it out of him because I thought I did something wrong.
She had taken my husband out to breakfast the morning after while I slept/got myself ready to see the baby for the first time(I wanted to wear makeup and such so I didn't look so bleh).
While at breakfast they were talking about how the baby was doing and when she would meet the baby and such. MIL has decided she isn't going to meet the baby without FIL.. who she is divorced from and is a PTSD trigger for me.
FIL has been banned from being around the baby until I am comfortable being around him. My husband took all of y'all's comments to heart and put his foot down HARD. He also didn't want to tell me as I have already been so emotionally out of wack and he didn't want to make it worse. Love him.
So now we're having other family members meet him and she isn't. She's dying on this hill y'all. This doesn't make my PTSD go away just makes me say 'what a b' about her. Stupid.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
ScarletteMayWest
So, she will not see her new grandchild without her ex-husband. The man she no longer lives with, who is prohibited from seeing said grandchild until you feel comfortable. That could take a long time.
Amazing when they shoot themselves in the foot like that.
fuzzhead12
Really makes me ponder about what their train of thought is in situations like this.
Bacon_Bitz
FOR THE MAN SHES DIVORCED FROM?!! 🤡🤡 Oh she's hilarious.
TurtleToast2
When she finally realizes that her attempts to control your boundaries aren't working and decides she wants to see the baby without FIL, please respond with, 'I'm sorry but your condition of not meeting baby without bringing along a man I'm uncomfortable with has made me uncomfortable with you. I'll reach out if I'm ever in a place where I'm comfortable around you again. Take care.'
No-Display-3729
Well done by your husband. He managed her stupidity and made a good call to keep unnecessary stress from you and let your focus on your health and baby. Really really well done by husband.