'My MIL promised us a house if we did her bidding for the wedding.'
"My MIL promised us a house if we did her bidding for the wedding."
Let me just say that no one owes us anything. But after being preached at about how important family is for the 18 month duration of our engagement, and money being used as leverage over us, I'm left not understanding this situation.
As the title says, we rent from FIL, who bought from BIL (husband's brother) and his wife. We were told after our wedding that we would own this place. We were excited. MIL was manipulative and stomped boundaries constantly during the planning and even spent tens of thousands of FILs money without consulting him.
Not our fault, we wanted a small wedding, we let her make financial calls as she paid and tried to be super chill. Anyway, we’ve been married four months and not a peep about owning the house.
To put it in perspective, before my BIL and SIL got married they bought her a brand new car. Then, when she was pregnant with the first grandchild, she got another new car. That first car is now my husband’s as it seems like we just get their leftovers.
My car is genuinely about to fall apart. I am so so sick of this dynamic but we are broke working class Gen Z and we will likely never be able to own a home otherwise. I’ll have to drive my car until it falls apart and then figure it out myself.
It feels so cruel to hang something over our heads like that and give us hope for something just to never talk about it again. Also, while we were engaged we were always included and invited to do things, we’ve seen them once since the wedding.
Also, I feel like now that we don’t have something she/her pushover husband want (I don’t think FIL wanted any of the crazy wedding stuff just going along with wife) they have no interest in us.
And it’s scary because, like many people have said, I might be pregnant right now. I’m pursuing a degree and don’t know if I can handle terminating and they are super local to us.
Fingers crossed I’m not but I just feel used and discarded. Like I said, no one owes us anything, but the difference in how SIL was treated us even before she married their older son really hurts me and has damaged the relationship beyond words. I’m sad and resentful.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Heads up- you’re not getting the house. 🏡
And if you do, the emotional price will be too high to make it worth it.
Have you asked them about it? I will not be surprised if the answer is something horrible, but I think it's time to ask. If nothing else, you need to know so you can start planning your married life together. If you're not getting that house, what should you be doing instead?
If they do give you the house, it will come with big, big strings attached. It's a trap.
She's going to continue to hold the house over your heads in order to control you when you get pregnant and have kids. She will want daily updates while you're pregnant, she will demand to be in the delivery room, she will insist that she be the first to hold the baby.
And she will be pissed if you decide to breastfeed because then she can't take the baby back to her house for days at a time "to give you a break." The house is a trap. I don't care how broke you are, living in a one room studio would be better than being under someone's thumb like that.
What an upsetting situation to be in. Favoritism hurts even if you're an adult, and it stings extra hard when you could use the help. And their intent is hard to swallow, especially when they spout phrases about valuing family.
Going forward, it would probably help you most if you no longer trust what they say and make decisions as if they don't exist. They will never consider your needs, so you two have to look out for and prioritize yourselves.
It will still be painful at first, but it gets better once you have no expectations of them being trustworthy, supportive or kind towards you. The more independent you can be from them, even if it's a longer process than you'd like, the less impact they can have on you emotionally.
If you do get the house, big BIG if, she will always feel like she has rights to come stay, to decorate, to have opinions on your choices. You stand up to her for something then you’ll be labelled as “ungrateful” no matter what you stood up to her for.
I get that in this day and age owning a house is a big deal, and a huge relief. Another stressor gone. But you’ll just be trading one worry for another. There will always be strings attached even if her name isn’t on the deed.
You will be giving her power forever, even if you sell the house. If you sell it she will probably want her money back, or a portion of it. If you don’t give her anything you will hear about it forever. Everyone will. This is 100% NOT WORTH IT.
Save up until you and your husband have enough to move out on your own. Even if it's another rental situation. You dont want anything tied to these people. Also, have you considered a lease purchase? It's an alternative to buying for people who are not able to buy a home traditionally.