'MIL referred to our unborn baby as 'her child' and said she’s 'coming over whether we like it or not.''
"MIL referred to our unborn baby as 'her child' and said she’s 'coming over whether we like it or not.'"
My husband and I have been friends since childhood/grew up together so I know his mother fairly well. We have never been close, but used to be friendly enough in middle/high school, but not since then.
For the entire time I’ve known her, she has been extremely religious, believing she is a powerful witch. Both of his parents have been borderline neglectful/are extreme narcissists.
His mom initiated a very dramatic/ugly divorce as soon as he turned ~18, that has created a lot of problems for both of his parents, who have become increasingly emotional needy/reliant on my husband.
This includes frequent/late phone calls crying and sharing intimate/inappropriate details of the marriage, lying about things said/done (that we know did not happen), and both of them using information he shares about his life to try and manipulate the other.
Over time, some boundaries have been somewhat set but it’s been challenging and it is obvious they still see him/me as children and don’t really respect our wishes. Despite this, all has been well enough since husband and I moved across the country for our careers.
We have been busy in school/later establishing careers and thankfully neither of his parents has made a true effort to come visit more than a couple times for less than a week, which is nbd.
During this time, we have been in therapy/planning for a family, and we finally felt ready this past spring. We lost our first baby early (before telling anyone) and it was very upsetting. Following this, we both agreed to wait to tell family, and wait extra to tell his family since we knew they would likely have inappropriate/overwhelming reactions.
Well. Today was the day. And holy shit, it was just so much worse than anybody could have ever prepared me for. I am genuinely still in shock. I knew his mom was in love with him and aggressive (as shown by her words and actions during the divorce) but today was just beyond.
We told her and her first reaction was that “she already knew”, which was already a weird thing to say. Then that she was disappointed to be finding out so late (I’m 23 weeks).
Then she announces that she has a trip planned to visit our state conveniently during the baby’s due date, so she’ll “be there”. Husband politely and calmly explained that we aren’t having any family at the hospital or at home for the first few weeks, so she’d have to come back later.
I could feel her anger through the phone immediately. She followed with, “oh. Well okay. I’ll just drop in really quick then”. My husband again politely enforced our boundary and even wavered a little to placate her, saying we could play it by ear.
The rest of the call was uncomfortable, as she kept making passive aggressive and nasty comments about how “she can’t believe we are making her wait to meet her baby” and she’s “shocked we waited this long to tell her”.
Whatever, I thought I could ignore the comments. Then, she casually tried to mention visiting again. Once again my husband enforced the boundary, at which point she raises her voice and says, “okay, well once you finally allow me to visit, get ready because I’m going to be by. I’m going to see my child. And I’ll visit often, whether you like it or not.
I’m going to be an active grandmother, not like your grandmother (name). And don’t worry, I know how busy it gets, I’ll be here when you need the help. And you’ll need help”.
She laughed at the end as if to play it off as a half-joke or something? But we were honestly speechless. I don’t even remember how my husband finished the conversation because I just felt sick to my stomach. The whole call felt so threatening and cold.
He is planning on talking to her tomorrow since this call happened late and we were both too emotional to think rationally about how to handle this. But I can’t help but feel just so bad.
Angry that she thinks she can act this way, sad that my husband has to deal with this/my kids can’t have a normal grandmother, and hurt that someone would refer to my baby as their own child. Any advice, similar experiences, or just words of comfort welcome. 🥲🤍
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Extreme info diet. She is to be the last person to find out anything. Start delaying your responses to her calls and messages so she gets used to not having you at her beck and call.
Secure your house with locks and cameras so that you can clearly see if she’s trying to visit. Make it clear to hospital staff that she isn’t to be let in. They will alert security. Absolutely sir your husband down & get on the same page with boundaries.
She sounds scary. Just remember that you've already told her "no" and that's a complete sentence. You also don't have to open the door if/when she shows up. You don't have to answer texts. You don't have to answer the phone.
This is YOUR baby. YOUR home. She's not allowed to bully her way into things because "she's a grandma". Make sure to tell your hospital that you want no visitors and if possible, password protect your stuff if you think she's the type to try and illegally get access to your information or hospital room.
This is going to feel weird but be a broken record on the topic. Warn her (and follow through) on hanging up on her if she repeatedly asks. Say 2 asks, hangup after 2nd ask no saying bye or anything. Statement of broken record being something like "we've discussed this and will not discuss visitor plans again until xyz time"
One major actual discussion from your husband with her laying down the law that it is your baby and her grandchild not "her" baby. Any mention of "her baby" gets 1 warning, 2nd time hung up on. Same for bringing up visiting.
Do yourself a favor and make her stay in a hotel when she visits. This ONE discussion is where she can openly ask questions once and then anything after this discussion is "you already know the answer, we're not talking about this again", then a hangup after the second attempt of asking/ info/ demands.
🧊 Step 1: Activate the “Boundary Firewall 9000” When your husband calls her, keep it simple.
🚪 Step 2: Operation Exorcism 101- Lockdown mode: If she’s ever had a key or code, change it. Yes, even if she “forgot” it.
🧠 Step 3: Reassign Emotional Labor Your husband doesn’t have to fix her feelings. Her disappointment is not an emergency; it’s just loud. If she starts guilt-bombing him, or you, the script is: “I hear you’re upset. Our plan stays the same.” That’s it. No “but,” no “we’ll see.” You don’t negotiate boundaries — you enforce them.
🌿 Step 4: Stress-Free Survival Settings • “Not a good time” is a full sentence. • If she shows up unannounced, don’t open the door. Pretend you’re ghosts.
💬 Step 5: The Pep Talk You’re not the villain in her Hallmark Grandbaby Invasion fantasy. You’re the main character in your own recovery arc.Boundaries aren’t cruelty — they’re baby-proofing for your mental health.
So breathe, hydrate, and repeat after me: ”Whether she likes it or not, this family runs on our schedule and our rules.” Congratulations, mama. You’re already raising that baby in a home where “no” means “no” — and that’s generational healing at its finest.
She needs to know the consequences of any potential boundary stomping (preferably by text): "Mom, if you stop by uninvited you'll be turned away and that will push back any previous planned visit by two weeks (or whatever is comfortable for y'all).
Also, nip the 'my baby' thing in the bud immediately and make her acknowledge it. "Mom, it's not your baby, it's OP and my baby, understood?" Get her to verbally say it and if she can't she needs to leave until she does. Remember, y'all have all the power here she doesn't get to dictate stuff.