MIL has been telling people she's my daughter's biological mother and I just found out.
"MIL has been telling people she's my daughter's biological mother and I just found out."
I need to know if I'm overreacting or if this is as insane as it feels.
Some background: My daughter is 14 months old. She has red hair and green eyes like my MIL. I have brown hair and brown eyes.
My husband (her son) has brown hair and hazel eyes. Our daughter looks NOTHING like me and everyone comments on it. I've made peace with that. genetics are weird. Whatever.
Last weekend we went to MIL's church for some fundraiser thing she guilted us into attending. I'm not religious but trying to keep the peace. We get there and like five different women come up to me gushing about how wonderful it is that we're raising my husband's daughter and what a blessing I am. I was confused but smiled and said thanks.
Then, this older woman pulls me aside and says "I just think it's so special that you're giving [MIL's name] this gift. not every woman could be so selfless."
I said, "What gift?" And she looks uncomfortable and says, "The baby? Letting her son raise her granddaughter as his own?"
I said that's MY daughter. I gave birth to her. And this woman's face just goes white and she's like, "Oh my god I'm so sorry, [MIL] said..." and then she just walked away very quickly.
I found my husband and told him we needed to leave right now. In the car, I asked him what in the freaking world that was about. He got quiet and admitted his mom has been "letting people assume" that our daughter is biologically hers.
LETTING PEOPLE ASSUME.
I made him explain and apparently because our daughter has red hair like MIL, and because MIL is always posting photos with her with captions like "my girl" and "she has my eyes," people at her church think MIL got pregnant in her late 50s (which like, okay that's its own weird assumption but whatever) and that we're raising the baby for her.
My husband said he thought it was harmless. People make assumptions and his mom just "doesn't correct them." He said it makes her happy to have people think the baby looks like her.
I asked how long he's known about this and he said a few months. His sister told him people at church were confused about whose baby it was and he asked his mom and she played it off like people were just being silly.
I haven't spoken to MIL since Saturday. She's texted me three times asking why we left early and if everything's okay. My husband thinks I'm being overdramatic and that it doesn't matter what people at her church think.
But like.
She's literally let people believe she gave birth to my child. She's erasing me as her mother. And my husband knew and didn't tell me.
I want to go NC but my husband is in the FOG hard. (Fear. Obligation. Guilt.) He keeps saying, "she's not actually telling people that, they're just assuming" but she's posting photos with captions designed to make people think that.
Am I crazy or is this completely messed up? Also, we live 15 minutes from this church. What happens when my daughter is older and we run into these people at the grocery store or wherever and they think MIL is her mom?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I am furious for you. I would take my daughter to church next Sunday and walk up to the front and loudly tell everyone that contrary to whatever MIL has been saying, LO is mine and my husband’s biological daughter while staring daggers at her. Then leave and go NC. Unbelievable!
Seriously, it’s wild he thought this was harmless. He needs to step up and have a serious talk with his mom.
Your husband is sick for condoning his mom’s behavior and saying it’s harmless. He needs therapy, man. And your mil too, but I don’t think I even need to mention that.
Overly dramatic? Is he hitting the sheets with her? I would divorce so fast. I’m sorry but this is one of the most messed up things I have ever seen. They are both willing to erase you in total for their messed up lie.
He is the father and yet let church people think his mom is the mom. That’s the truth. Beyond the pale. Call her minister I am serious. Then a shelter. Lawyer, now.
So husband is thinking it is okay that his mom is pretending to have his baby? Pitch him the incest angle; maybe he will understand. Maybe not, he doesn’t seem too bright. Go no contact with her. I might be pretty and tag her in a post letting people know that she is pretending. Then tell your husband he either fixes this or he goes home to live with her.
She’s not right. Normal people don’t do this. ‘She’s not actually telling people, they’re assuming.’ But she isn’t correcting them. Your husband needs a good shake. FFS, what’s wrong with him?
OP, you won’t need to explain to her. By now, it’s spread like wildfire at the church that she’s a liar. Sad really. I’m a grandmother. I absolutely love being Nanny. I love, love, love it. I wouldn’t even think to pretend she’s my child.
Absolutely make sure that EVERYONE (especially all the "church ladies") know that your husband (MIL's son) is the father of your daughter. Watch how fast JNMIL backs down from claiming that the baby is hers!
Literally no one would assume that a 50 year old woman gave birth to a baby and then gave said baby to her son and DIL to raise. That's just crazy. She's definitely TELLING people that and she absolutely is erasing your role as the mom here.
Your husband is a jerk for dismissing and belittling this incredibly hurtful circumstance. You have both a MIL problem and a husband problem. I'd be going to the church and announcing to the congregation that I birthed the baby. Nip that right in the bud.