'MIL wants to come to the delivery room to 'keep us calm.''
"MIL wants to come to the delivery room to 'keep us calm.'"
For context, I'm very pregnant, my mom is flying in for the birth, but is also not invited to the delivery room. My husband calls his mom yesterday, and she is very excited. If anyone has read my past posts, she tends to desperately want to "help," but it comes from such an egocentric place that it is almost never helpful.
She also tends to think she is owed something for what she does for you, which is a game my husband and I don't play. She was described to me as an anxious person when I first met her, and that has not changed at all. I find her deeply selfish and exhausting on my best days.
Back to the story, with the birth on the horizon, she's now starting to get a little desperate with the role she's been assigned in our birth plan, which is "none, see you two weeks after the birth."
She also lives a 4 hour drive away, and they stay with us when they visit, so there's no such thing as a quick drop in. She starts in on DH about, "don't worry I'll drop anything and come there, just say the word!" And, "you're going to want someone there to support you and keep you two calm." Which is the right idea, but the wrong person.
Why, if my own mother is there, she thinks she could do a better job, I don't know. But also, truly, this lady stresses my husband and I out more than anyone I've ever met! When my mom met her, she said, "she makes me feel like my insides are vibrating."
Same mom. Same. There's a reason my husband has spent years in therapy trying to get a handle on his disassociation and it's entirely his incredibly anxious, overbearing parents.
So, husband says, "no, thank you, we don't need you in the delivery room. We'll see you two weeks after the birth when we are settled." And we laughed and we laughed at the idea that she would ever, ever be able to give us emotional support.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Oh hell no. I am with you 100. You are going to be a bleeding zombie for the first few days/weeks and no one. Should have any plan other than, I will wait ready to hear when you are willing to have me over. And help is only help if its wanted.
Just shoving your way in and messing with some tasks based on what you want to do is never of help to anyone. Like my MIL keeps going on how she will come over and do laundy (due in 5weeks) and the idea makes my skin crawl.
It takes like 2 seconds to put a load in and 5 min to hang aka the rest will be waiting time where she is just gonna try and keep my newborn to herself huffing her microorganisms over him giving 0 cares if she has a cold or not. Plus she is loud i don't want to deal with her mentally unstable cackling when i am still very postpartum.
datbundoe (OP)
Mine keeps saying, "I'll cook for you! I'll clean for you!" In my head I'm like, I barely like your cooking on a good day. My comfort foods don't look like your comfort foods. You make things you know I don't like to bring to my house in bulk.
How is that of interest to me? And, when it comes to cleaning, when my SIL was trapped in the hospital with PPROM with twins that arrived premature, she did the classic MIL move of completely rearranging her kitchen.
My SIL is a massive people pleaser and a saint when it comes to patience with my in laws. Two traits I do not possess. So for me, I'm like, "lady, me not being around you during this time period is to preserve the tenuous relationship we have." Not that I'd say it, I just let my husband handle communications and boundaries. He says "stay away" much nicer than I do haha.
Make sure your door is locked at all times going forward, get in the habit now so there’s no risk of her barging in when she makes a “surprise” visit when she finds out baby has arrived.
I agree with the suggestions to let her know after the baby is born. I’d also start taking longer for both of you to reply to her messages because otherwise she might suspect a long break is when you’re in labor and try contacting you and those around you or even driving in.
Do NOT tell her when you go into labor. Don’t do it. You don’t owe it to her or anything. Tell her after baby has arrived, you’ve had a sleep and are good and ready. Tell her baby arrived very quickly and there was no time for phone calls. Outright lie.
Our hospital actually had a very locked down maternity and post partum wing where they would essentially pretend we didn’t exist if someone came in. And you had to be buzzed in.
Please dont tell her when you are in labor. She doesnt get to know, especially if she cant handle boundaries. I'd even go as far as to say the doctor said no visitors for a month, and then only short 20 minute visits to protect the baby's developing immune system. She can stay in a nearby hotel.
Not to tell you what to do because it seems like you and your husband have it under control, but you may want to consider having her get a hotel room now that you are a family of 3.
If you don’t draw that line now, it will become much harder to draw it later. I promise, this person sleeping in your postpartum space will not be helpful for you. It’s very easy to say something like “hey now that we are parents we are realizing we need our own space. We’re happy to see you next week, but you’ll need to get a hotel room.”