'AITA for uninviting my MIL to my husband's funeral? She called me hateful.'
"AITA for uninviting my MIL to my husband's funeral?"
Kooky-Day-4596
I know it sounds bad but I feel pushed to share this. My (F40) husband (M41) just passed unexpectedly less than 3 days ago. It’s a complete shock and I understand everyone is devastated. We have 2 small children (5 and 6 years old). Kids and I relocated 2 months ago for many reasons, including job promotion reporting out of new state and me needing to be closer to my family after a decade close to his.
He was in the process of getting the house ready for sale and joining us in new state when he passed. After driving 12 hours with the kids to get back and then spending the next morning arranging all services and saying goodbye to him one last time; I am basically ordered to bring grandkids to MIL because she “needs to see them”.
This was after not showing up to the funeral home to help arrange anything or support in any way. I kindly let her know where we are staying and that she is free to come by and spend as much time with the kids as she wants. To which she tells me I am hateful, disrespectful and ungrateful; that I never loved him and asked me if I had just lost a son.
As if I did not just lose my partner and father to our kids. I understand everyone processes grief differently, but this crossed a line and I’m not as forgiving as my husband was. I told her in no uncertain terms to get f*%$#d and that she was welcome to have her own services but she was not wanted or welcome to attend the services i arranged.
I feel like my response is appropriate and that a boundary was crossed. But I need to make sure it’s not just grief talking? AITAH?
A few things to clarify. Yes this is real and I wish it weren’t. I am in a hotel room agonizing over everything and was looking for unbiased opinions because my whole family (who have been beyond supportive) all want to throw bags of flaming dog crap at her door for what she said.
My mom and oldest (from a previous relationship) have been letting me get breaks when I need to cry, as I’m trying to not be overly emotional/hysteric in front of my 2 littles.
There are moments it feels like my chest is going to crack open. It is a memorial service and not a traditional funeral with a body being laid to rest. He will be cremated and then we will have a celebration to honor who he is and what he meant to us all. His final viewing was today, which MIL was aware of.
She said she couldn’t do it and I understood why, but she didn’t even bother to show up to the funeral home to help arrange or pay for anything. My mom has been with me supporting the entire process and went with me to see him one final time so I wasn’t alone. Not even an hour after saying goodbye to him, I get her text message spewing venom at me because I won’t bring my kids to her.
This is also after coming into possession of his phone and reading text messages where she said awful things about me (and my husband would defend me at every turn) and finding out awful things were said to him by his father (things his mother excused and told him not to take personal).
None of these things I knew before today. I don’t think she’s a bad person, but this isn’t the first time she’s crossed a boundary.
For my husbands sake I would let things go. We lived less than 20 miles from each other for a decade, and the only time there was help is if my husband did everything. I grew tired of it, but NEVER impeded on the relationship she had with her son or grandkids. This was one of the many reasons I wanted to be closer to my family. I needed more help.
My husband knew this - we discussed it often over the last year. I know MIL is hurting - but we all our, and to think her pain is worse than anyone’s (especially his children) is disgusting. And if/when I were ever put in her shoes, I would never think it was okay to talk to someone like that. Especially if they did what I did today.
I would be there to support/lean on each other - not try and use it as a competition over whose grief is worse. I gave her back what she gave and won’t accept bullshit apologies. She’s free to arrange and pay for a memorial service for him and invite anyone she wants (and even not invite me). She’s not welcome at the one i arranged.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Maleficent_Theory818
I don't think you did anything wrong. You drove 12 hours and then planned a funeral. Your MIL should have been there to help you. If she ever tells you again you never loved him, remind her of planning a funeral after that drive. With two kids. NTA.
jibaro1953
NTA. You just lost your husband, ffs. Now she wants to order you around? Feck that.
Motor-Juggernaut1009
Sounds like this is kind of a “This is the last straw” reaction, probably well deserved after years of being controlled by this woman and the frustration of your possibly too passive late husband. The fact that she said you never loved him is a telling detail here. She sounds like an absolute horror, and I’m sorry you even have her in your life. NTA and good riddance.
alienlovesong
NTA. She’s making an already difficult and heartbreaking situation worse.
Remarkable_Buyer4625
I’m so sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to do to help yourself and your children through this unimaginable time as best you can. 💜 NTA