Woman warned MIL plans to secretly baptize her baby; says, 'my MIL has lost it.' UPDATED
"MIL Has Lost It"
Luvfallandpsl
My kiddo is a toddler and my MIL has lost her mind. The first issue was MIL asking Baby to call her ‘Mama.’ She asked FIL and my husband before mentioning it to me. Her reasoning was ‘I’ve always been called Mama’ (by my husband). We all agreed on ‘Nana’ and she has slipped up multiple times with ‘Mama’.
Second issue was during visits MIL would take Baby and try to keep her (didn’t want to give her back). This resulted in me just grabbing my baby and automatically keeping my baby in my arms. MIL glares at others who hold Baby.
Third issue, MIL during visits always demands to feed Baby, she will pull the high chair to her chair, effectively physically blocking me. I started saying ‘I will feed her’ and then MIL hovers trying to wipe Baby’s face around my body or dictating what I use to wipe Baby’s face (‘No! Don’t use a paper towel! I have a warmed wet bath towel for her! No!’
Fourth, she keeps slipping up and calling my Baby girl by my husband’s name. Super awkward and weird.
Fifth, during visits MIL whisks Baby away and will change her diaper. She’ll say ‘She needs a change!’ And quickly (as fast as she can) walk away with her, these diaper changes will take 40 minutes usually because she takes the opportunity to ‘hide’ alone with Baby.
Sixth, she told me, TOLD me that she almost started tearing up her wedding gown to sew Baby’s baptismal gown and then said she just needed Baby’s measurements and thought she should check to see if I had a gown bought already.
I REMINDED her that she knows we are not Baptist and do not practice any religion and that we already told her several times that Baby will not be baptized. Yesterday she pointedly asked my husband if he ‘believes in God.’
Seventh, during a visit MIL put Baby’s ENTIRE foot in her mouth. It was disgusting and weird and my husband saw it and said ‘Mom, what are you doing? Did you just put her foot in your mouth?!’ MIL stuttered and couldn’t come up with a decent reply.
Husband has mostly stood up for me although he also thinks I’m a bit harsh on MIL. We have a visit today and I’m planning on standing my ground more; I WILL feed my baby, I WILL do the diaper change, etc. How do I remind MIL that she is NOT this Baby’s mom?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this initial post:
ImHappierThanUsual
Wow… it sounds like she’s truly unhinged.
fruitjerky
There are a few things on here that I don't personally think are a big deal. Because your husband is more used to his mother, and a few of these things being only arguably annoying, I can see why your husband would say you're being harsh on her sometimes. That doesn't mean you are being too harsh, but I can see why he would feel that way.
All of those put together do make her sound exhausting. My MIL, who I do adore, was also an absolute nutbag when my oldest was small and fresh and new. I mean, she still is, but we've all settled in to more appropriate kinds of nuts.
My perspective is based on my experience, so take from it what you think applies and ignore what doesn't. I'm also assuming that your MIL is not evil and you do want to get along with her.
It can be challenging to transition from being 'the mom' to have someone else being the mom. She's not used to someone else setting the boundaries, and you're probably not used to having to set boundaries with a parent. It takes getting used to. And, sometimes, repetition. One thing I will say that I find endearing instead of annoying is MIL calling the baby the wrong name by accident.
My husband and I each accidentally call our oldest our sisters' names all the time, or we call the kids by each other's names. Our memories are tied to feelings, so sometimes when our recall pulls out a name, it pulls out the wrong one that is associated with the same feeling. She loves her grandchild like she loves her child, so her brain mixes up the names sometimes. I see it as sweet.
Hopefully the religion thing won't get worse. I think one thing we forget when we have these issues in families, is that their religion tells them that their children and grandchildren will really spend an eternity in hell if they aren't saved, which, if you really believe that... you can see why that's scary. We don't mind MIL teaching our children about her religion and taking them to religious events.
We talk to them about it and they know that these are her beliefs. Our boundaries is that she's not allowed to talk to them about hell or homophobia. They are aware of her beliefs on this, but, because we're open about it, they've already been inoculated against it anyway.
The other stuff is definitely annoying, but I think you guys will find your balance. She clearly wants more time with the baby, and you seem to be feeling possessive of the baby (which sounds like I'm criticizing you but I am absolutely not--that is normal and fine).
I think what could help is considering what it is that bothers you about her wanting all this time and attention--is it that you want to do the childcare tasks yourself, that you don't want her doing them because maybe you don't like how she does them, or if it's just the pushy way she goes about getting what she wants.
I don't see what's wrong with her wanting to spend every moment with her grandbaby holding her, feeding her, playing with her, etc. She's grandma. But it sounds like she's also being a PITA about it, so I'm not saying your feelings are invalid at all.
I just think the first step in really figuring out how to manage her is to think more about whether your annoyance is based on not wanting to share your baby (again, sounds like I'm criticizing you but I'm not--she is your baby) or just the way she's acting entitled and pushy about it.
original-anon
A 40 minute diaper change? Absof*^%*nglutely not. OP you need to hover over her like she does you bc this is sending up bright red flags & I’m just reading it not living it.
GnomieJ29
You aren’t overreacting. But has your MIL been evaluated for dementia or other neurological or psychological issues? If she hasn’t, then I would make it a condition of her continuing to see your child. Her behavior is beyond “normal” and seems more than a little obsessive when it comes to your child.
madgeystardust
Time for a break. Send husband alone. She’s HIS circus. Stop subjecting yourself and your baby to this unhinged person. Do not go.
The very next day, the OP returned with an update.
'MIL Has Lost It Update'
Luvfallandpsl
My earlier post today went over details of my MIL. Basically no boundaries, calling herself Mama, disappearing with Baby, putting Baby’s foot in her mouth, saying she was going to sew a baptismal gown when we told her we are not baptizing. Well, for those of you that commented, I wanted to update:
We went over tonight and overall it was fairly calm. I changed Baby’s diaper and MIL tried to jump in ‘I can do that!’ And I shut her down and said no thanks, she followed to coo at baby and kiss at her during the diaper change and to try to keep the Baby’s attention on her.
During dinner, Baby only ate potatoes and MIL immediately said ‘Can I give her more potatoes?!’ I said NO and I could tell she was mad but I do expect Baby to try veggies and meat that were on her plate. Sorry, but toddlers are picky as it is, I’m not going to encourage pickiness 🤷🏻♀️
MIL at one point said she needs to get Baby’s measurements for an apron. Doesn’t seem weird, until I remember that when she first mentioned that baptismal dress she wanted to sew, she needed measurements then. So…an APRON?! For a toddler?! Sure.
The crème de la crème of the night was MIL asking ‘Can I pick up Baby from daycare on Wednesday?’ I said ‘Why?’ And she stuttered something about spending time. I replied ‘NO. She is adjusting to a new routine at daycare and we keep her on a schedule. NO.’ Granted, we did have them pick her up ONCE when we had work conflicts but that was an emergency.
WINS: I cared for my child and pushed back.
LOSE: The fact that she thinks it’s ok to ask to take my kid from daycare, which only makes me want to remove them as emergency contacts.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
madpiratebippy
Your MiL is giving me “going to baptize the baby in secret” vibes. I’d take her off the pickup list at daycare and in an emergency you can call and read her.
The OP responded here:
Luvfallandpsl
I really hope not but on Monday I’m going to make the paperwork changes. I just don’t get why Wednesday? If it was a baptism, don’t those happen on Sundays?
emorrigan
That is exactly what’s going to happen. She’s going to baptize your baby in secret. She was probably planning to meet with her pastor on Wednesday and then do the baptism later, but baptisms don’t have to happen on Sundays.
Do not give her your baby’s measurements, and do not, DO NOT ever allow her to babysit. I know it’s harsh, but this is absolutely what she’s planning. If you need to have her babysit for any reason, make sure it’s in your home with an active Nannycam in the living room. Or hide an AirTag in your daughter’s diaper bag. Or both.
The OP again responded:
Luvfallandpsl
WAIT, are you saying there’s like an initial meeting before hand with the pastor?! Because I could see her doing that and then trying to pressure us with it ‘well the pastor said…’
animalnikki89
Take them off as contacts, or change the password the daycare should be using when someone other than the regular person is picking up the child. Tell daycare that mil (and fil, basically anyone) should not be picking up your child without the daycare being told by YOU first. Give the daycare warning that mil may turn up and that under no circumstances is she to leave with or even see your child.