One woman took to the forums to ask for help when she found herself in a seemingly unwinnable situation with her mother-in-law.
The MIL in question comes from a very family-focused Indian background and desperately wanted to be involved, maybe too closely, in the life of her grandchild. But, how much space can she realistically give them when they literally live in her basement?
Hoping for some advice on how to deal with manipulative/controlling/ mother in law with no boundaries right after babe was born.
For context my son is the only son of their only son. More context is we currently live in the MIL’s basement suite and are planning to move to a house 5 mins drive away in June. Mother in law is one of those people who “dreamed” of raising her grandchildren while the parents work.
Tensions started to surface 5 mths ago when my contractions started and MIL demanded to go to the hospital with my husband and I. I said NO and she was deeply offended that she couldn’t be there for the birth.
The first month of confinement, she yelled at me constantly. In the middle of the night when I couldn’t soothe my baby she comes and snatches my baby from my arms to soothe him herself. Saying the baby can’t cry for more than 20 mins and I’m doing it wrong.
When I slept she would take the baby upstairs to her unit to “let me rest”. She screamed at me saying she’s raised many babies and I have raised NONE. That first month of confinement was truly a living hell that I am traumatized by.
On top of that I had a traumatic birth- 40 hrs of labor and an emergency c section at the end of it. After the surgery I had insomnia, shakes, sweats, and got diagnosed with PPD and PPA.
Now, fast forward 5 months later, I locked the basement suite from her and shut her out after her constantly intruding on my “space”. Her son told her we would be moving out to our own space. This is causing her to become distraught.
She uses guilt trip tactics like “I will die soon. I’m getting so old” “I have no Will to live anymore becuase I don’t have a grandchild to take care” “my daughter in law is keeping my grandchild away from me”.
She manipulated her husband and 2 daughters to HATE me. She watches my every move through the property surveillance camera so she knows whenever I leave and enter the house. She cannot deal with her son leaving her, and she cannot deal that she cannot raise MY son.
Recently she began twisting the truth saying thay I'm rude to her in our limited interactions with each other. It’s gotten so bad that I now secretly record our conversations so it’s not a “he said she said” situation becuse I need people to know the TRUTH.
She’s truly desperate and pulling all the stops to make people hate me before we move out. What can I do about this? Tolerate 2 more months of BS, misery, and emotional abuse? Anyone gone through this before? Please help!
A lot of people are suggesting me moving out with babe with or without my husband. As much as this is my dream… I feel like my hands are tied becuase if I do this it means there’s nothing left to salvage and I’ll be abused for the rest of my life (I’m 31 years old).
Any future family event that they host, any birthday party, any thanksgiving dinner would become a nightmare. I will be the wretched villain who “stole the son away”/“ran away with the grandson.”
You need to get out. Go visit your family. Pack what you can. Pack yp Your's and LO's bags and get out. DH can call you when things are moved into your new space.
I've been there. Moving out is going to be your best bet. She isn’t changing. Her expectations are not your issue. You say you’re worried about seeing them if you move, well she has to put on a good show or she will expose herself as the liar.
Just make sure you’re not alone with her anywhere there where she can twist the narrative on you. If she shows up when she wants, thats fine but don’t answer. I had to do this cause my ex in laws would pound at the door for an hour. They showed up constantly without even informing me or making plans.
Every single day. I didn’t allow it. Its much easier to control your own life when you’re in your own home. They cant stomp on boundaries or they lose privileges of a visit. If you go to her house for visits, you can leave once she crosses boundaries. Its better actually.
Take the much needed break. Seems like your mentality needs it. Have rules for “everyone” so that your husband supports you more. Only way i got through to my ex. I left him for other reasons but this worked.
Boundaries do not work without a consequence. Like if she kisses the baby, you take baby away and leave or say the visit is through and you will try again another day. Thats just an example.
Make sure your new home has security cameras - inside and out.
You are going to be the “bad guy” no matter what. In her mind you always are. It’s not worth the additional abuse till June comes. Don’t put yourself through this, distance yourself now and save yourself the further abuse.
Move far, far away and cut off all contact with this woman. She is toxic. No holidays, no birthdays, no visits or contact at all. Tell DH you are leaving in 2 weeks with or without him. Start apartment/house shopping tomorrow. You need some firm boundaries and consequences for MIL and DH.
I have to scratch my head at the number of people who think the best choice is for OP to move out on her own with an infant and no childcare. What magical fairy will pay her expenses?
OP, stop caring what MIL says, and put your energies into getting your husband to align with you on standing up to MIL. If he won't, then maybe it's time to think about what alternatives there are. But one thing I'm sure of - moving out on your own with an infant and no support system, no matter how many people suggest it, is not your best move.
You can do this. Just hang on for two more months. Its great that you have locked the door. Ignore her whinging and complaining, we are all going to die someday.
And ignore anyone who chooses to hate you - you can't control their emotions and they are not worth it. Focus on your little family and your future and do not let her get to you.
When you move out, DO NOT give her a key or any alarm codes and have excuses ready when she demands access, 'sorry, we have plans' 'that won't work for us' and my favourite, 'Hmm, I'll get back to you if I can' and then ghost her. Good luck!