Fiancé given terminal diagnosis, now in-laws plan to honeymoon with them. AITA?
"AITA for being upset that my in-laws are coming on my honeymoon?"
Teacher0002
So here is the low down: my (28 f) fiancé (27 m) and I met our sophomore year of college and started dating post grad. We have been together for two years. My fiancé was not close with his family growing up at all. In the two years we have been dating, I have only met his parents like 3 times.
That doesn’t bother me. Like I said, he has a lot of resentment due to his upbringing and just doesn’t particularly like spending much time with them. Nothing bad happened to him on their part. But, outside of his basic needs being taken care of, there was little emotional support.
My fiancé was given a terminal diagnosis a few months ago with a two year life expectancy. Treatments are not an option so we are just living life to the fullest. After he learned of his illness he and his family have gotten a bit closer in that they see each other more often.
His family (very very wealthy) gifted us our honeymoon as our wedding gift. My husband and I chose Puerto Vallarta because we wanted a relaxing resort vacation and to go snorkeling together. One last boujee trip for our bucklist.
But - his parents also chose the dates of the honeymoon without asking us. So they chose to book the trip so that his birthday was during it. Then, they said they wanted to spend his last birthday with him, so they also will be joining us. They did get their own suite at the resort, and both of his siblings got rooms at the resort, too.
Don't get me wrong, I am really grateful to them for gifting us this experience. But, I'm annoyed they deliberately made it during a time that they could conveniently join our HONEYMOON. I know he is sick, and I know they want to spend time with him.
My fiancé won’t say anything to them because he doesn’t want to fight with anyone during his final time here (which I understand)! I think I just wish they could have booked a separate trip for the family to go on rather than during our honeymoon, a time that we could have spent together alone- which honestly we get rarely these days.
Between hospital visits and seeing friends and checking off things he wants to experience, we are pretty busy! Like I mentioned earlier, money is not an issue and could easily have been made into a separate trip, but they CHOSE to make the trip during his birthday so they had the excuse to join in.
When they told us that they were also coming on the trip, I said that was a little strange. Now they are mad at me for not understanding how important it is for them to spend my fiancé's birthday with him.
The entire family thinks that I am wrong for being upset about this. His parents have said I will barely even see them so I shouldn’t be upset. But we are all staying at the same resort, with rooms right next to each other. So, AITA for telling my in-laws it’s weird that they are coming on my honeymoon with us?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's post:
ironchef8000
Here’s a hot take: this is a vacation. Treat it as such. If they’re paying, great. Enjoy it. Then go on your own honeymoon with just your spouse. Overall while it’s a weird situation, I get that they’re desperate to squeeze out every last enjoyable second they can before they lose their child. NAH.
Prof_Hyde_White
He’s terminally ill, there’s no guarantee of how much time he will have left, particularly how much time outside of a hospital he will have left. He could have the physical ability and stamina for a real family-free honeymoon after this or he could not. If I were, OP I’d openly refer to this trip as a “family reunion” not a honeymoon and ask her SO what he would like to do for their exclusive honeymoon.
Helpful_Belt_6990
I hear you, but they could even do a short weekend trip somewhere nearby, stay at a fancy hotel, and call that their official honeymoon. It doesn’t need to mean international travel.
co_carolelaine
I'm sorry to hear of your partner's diagnosis. That said, if your partner's family is paying for the trip, you don't really get to dictate the terms of the trip (as with any other gift). Does it suck that they offered a honeymoon trip - which most people would reasonably assume would be the two of you - and then planned to join? Yeah, sure.
My advice? Enjoy what sounds like a very nice trip, then plan a separate honeymoon. If the timing is important to you and they planned the trip at the time that you and your partner really wanted a solo honeymoon trip, it's fair to ask for the trip to be another time to allow you two to enjoy a honeymoon (that you'd pay for yourselves).
NTA, I get wanting an actual honeymoon trip, but again, doesn't have to be this trip - so I wouldn't push that point. Hopefully you can all give each other some grace in a really sad circumstance.
IamIrene
NAH. This situation is not the typical honeymoon situation. I think it's understandable that you're annoyed but it's also understandable that his family would want to make some great memories with him before they lose him.
The worst thing that could happen would be for your husband to have to witness you and his family fight over him and how distressing that would be for him. Those aren't the kind of memories anyone wants to be making.
Constant_Camera3452
Call it his birthday trip, and book a honeymoon somewhere else either before or after this trip, and pick something you can pay for yourselves.
retrozebra
NTA. It’s totally understandable why you are upset. This is your honeymoon and it should be what you and your husband want. Unfortunately, this is his family’s way of making amends for not being there for him emotionally as he was growing up.
They should have asked you and your husband what you wanted. But they aren’t being rational. Grieving often begins before the loss occurs, and can make people make emotional decisions.
It sounds like your husband really does not want to push the issue. Because of that, and because of the importance of keeping the peace in the time he has left…I’d plan a separate honeymoon with him and not tell any family members. If you’re able to do this prior to the family trip, it may make the trip with them more enjoyable.
I’d also recommend talking with a grief counselor during this process if you’re not already. If his family is trying to make up for lost time, this may not be the last issue that arises. Thoughts are with you OP, this is a very difficult situation.