'My MIL invited my BF’s ex to my son's gender reveal. Should I forgive her and move on?' UPDATED

"Help! My MIL invited my SO’s ex to my sons gender reveal."

I’ve seen similar posts about people being friends with their ex’s parents. I’ve read multiple points of view to try to convince myself to be okay with this, but this lady makes it harder each time. My (F25) and SO (M26) have been together for 7 years now. Both of us, our previous relationships lasted 3 years so I completely understand how one can form bonds with our SO families.

I remember at the beginning of my relationship with my current SO it was senior year and my MIL would have his ex, let’s call her Sam, sleep over every other day after they broke up. My SO would invite me to sleep over for peace of mind. It was so weird Sam would sleep in bed with his mom and my SO and I in the room down the hall.

My FIL is a rarely home because of his job so he had no idea what was and has need going on. My SO then told his mom that it was making both him and I uncomfortable that Sam was sleeping over. She responded with “this is my house I can have whoever I want over if you don’t like it leave”. So we left, with our minimum wage jobs to a studio for $1,800 rent.

My mom did not take us in since she was not onboard with us being together in the first place. At that time I was so frustrated with this lady just wanting to make things so uncomfortable for me and drive me away I didn’t realize how it must’ve made my SO feel that his mom would prefer his ex than him.

Things worsened. Every day on his way home his mom would call him asking for some kind of favor, wether it’s buy groceries or clean some kind of mess in her house. At some point my SO got tired of going everyday and expressed to me that he just wanted to go straight home for once. So I offered him to go and get the groceries that way he can go home.

When I showed up at her door with the bread and gallons of milk my MIL was livid. She said to me “why are you here? Where is my son? I don’t want you here! Get that sh!t and go I don’t need that!” I responded to her “as per your son’s request I am dropping this off to you” then left.

This infuriated my SO and he refused to go to her house for the following two weeks. She then played the victim card saying that she hasn’t had any food or drink and how house is becoming a mess. My SO told her that she has Sam that can easily for groceries and clean for her. BTW my MIL can drive and clean on her own.

Later she would invite both of us to visit. Coincidentally, Sam was there every time… I pulled MIL to the side and expressed to her that it makes me uncomfortable. Sam didn’t even live there she was invited every time we were invited. My MIL then told me that she sees Sam as daughter and will never love me as much so I have to accept it.

I was 19 at the time. I continued to offer her help thinking she’d come around to like me or even accept me. She would continue to reject me but my SO would ask the favor to help clean. So sadly I still helped, all while her making snarky comments and complain about everything about me.

We slowly went down to visiting twice a month even though we lived only 5 minutes away. When the pandemic started I started to become close with my SIL. We would talk everyday and at some point I opened up to her about our MIL. To my surprise, she told me how our MIL has made her go through the same thing.

She also had to deal with the ex constantly the for everything even holidays. However after 10 of being with my BIL my MIL finally stopped trying to bother with his ex. This was a wake up call for me. I felt like I was walking in her footsteps. My nephews are 9 and 10! I am not going to deal with Sam for that long! Especially with my kids.

Then I became pregnant with my son. My SO and I were looking at gazebos to rent for the gender reveal. My MIL said “save the money and we can do it at my house, it’ll be great!” Well the title spoiled it... she invited Sam… this ruined it for me and SO. We spent the entire time focused on actually family and friends. After, my SIL told me that my MIL was simply looking for a reaction. I felt like I was part of a circus!

A few months later, I was going to Lowe’s to build something for my son and I felt bad for the separation between me and MIL so I offered her if she wanted me to get anything from Lowe’s. To my surprise she said yes. She asked for orchid mulch. When I brought her the mulch I offered to help her plant the orchids in a pot and she said she’d rather wait for Sam. She waited 3months for Sam to plant it.

My MIL would also complain to my SO that she barely saw my son. He told her that she can come over to our apartment. She refused to because of her asthma and the AC unit that had in our apartment. We gave her the benefit of the doubt and started to go over.

One of the time my SO was outside washing down the backyard and I was inside trying to get my son to sleep. My MIL took advantage of the privacy and told me that I am as fat as a cow and my SO will leave me for any woman that will cook and smile at my SO. Thinking she was looking for another reaction I told her that I could care less if he left.

A few months later, I became pregnant with my daughter. Again we were looking into gazebos for the gender reveal and realized that they are more expensive than before. She offered to use her place again. I told her no I’d rather not even do a gender reveal. She shamed me so much saying that I don’t love my daughter as much as I do my son.

My SO then told her that I was because of her inviting Sam the first time. She told my SO “well it's her fault that she’s uncomfortable” my SO told her that she can simply not invite Sam and she responded with the same response as years ago “this is my house I can invite whoever I want”. We ended up doing a virtual gender reveal instead.

At this point we only see them at their house Christmas and they come over once in a blue moon. My MIL, a few months ago, told my SO that she has grown to love me. Now my SO wants me to fix things with her. I don’t. I’m absolutely tired of trying with her. I’ve never had a problem with any of my past SO parents, in fact they’ve all loved me. Should I fix things with my monster in law?

What do you think? Should she try to mend things with her MIL? This is what top commenters had to say:

Tall-Negotiation6623 said:

She’s lying. She just wants you to come back so she can harass you some more. Ask your SO how she has grown to love you when all the time you have spent with her has been her being horrible to you? Honestly, you need to cut her completely off.

No Christmas or visits. She has been horrible to you and it’s time your husband stopped believing in her bullsh!t and stand by you. Your MIL sounds like a nutcase and that isn’t something your kids should be subjected to.

Odd_Welcome7940 said:

Why haven't you gone full NC? For God sake this worthless woman can't be worth the energy at all to either of you. Even your kid would be better off with no grandma than that one.

OP responded:

I get my SO’s point of view. it’s his mom he can’t do much about it and he loves her. That’s why I don’t care if he goes to see her or not. I had suggested to him NC with the kids but he said that was Is in between me and MIL should not involve the kids. Part of me agrees and part doesn’t.

If it were entirely up to me Ive pushed for NC. But because of my SO and my wanting to have family that gets along with one another. I tried to get her to like or even accept me. I’ve also pictured myself with caring in-laws like in my past relationships. I know this is impossible but I wish I can have my SO but any of my previous ex MILs

And Kohonis said:

Your SO is spineless. These matters should be dealt at the beginning and go nuclear if needed. The huge disrespect your MIL shows you is empowered by your SO's not putting her in her place. Time for a good talk with your SO to stop this charade after so many years and two children.

A week later, she shared this UPDATE:

Sorry didn’t know how to fully update it on the OG post. So I spoke with SO. Didn’t show him this post because honestly was trying to avoid and argument. Instead just stated that he needs to understand my concerns of where I stand with him and how he should keep his word and give consequences to MIL.

I told him that I don’t think it would be healthy for any kind of contact with her because of her track record of consistent 7 years treating me this way. My SO then proceeded to tell me that I need to get over it, stop being stagnant and leave the past in the past.

The past??? That was a year ago! My daughter just turned 1 last month! And there would’ve been more if I continued to talk to my MIL. Ugh it’s frustrating! I tried to tell him that what gives me the reason that she isn’t going to just wait until my guard is down and start with this behavior again? He told me that I might not see it be he sees that she has changed.

Also I asked him why she said she has grown to love me and he told me because she saw the kind of mother that I am that I do everything for my kids juggling the two of them and work from home at the same time. I’m sorry but i don’t see that as a valid reason to grow to love someone. I feel Ike when you “earn” love it is by actions and display of caring for that person.

I definitely don’t believe that act. SO completely believes her. Sadly I think I will actually have to just rip the bandaid off and show him this post. Maybe then he will open his eyes completely. Thank you all for the feedback and making me feel like I’m not crazy! I didn’t expect this many responses.