'My future MIL's reaction to my fiancé proposing makes me feel like I'm going crazy.' UPDATED

"My future MIL went crazy after engagement saga. Am I losing it?"

My fiancé (30M) and I (27F) have been dating for 3 years and got engaged 2 months ago. My fiancé didn't introduce me to his parents until a year into the relationship but the past two years have been good. I got along really well with his parents and always enjoyed spending time or talking to them. They always expressed that they liked me and never gave me or him a reason to believe they didn't.

There were a couple of off comments FMIL made in the past that I'll list but I didn't think they were that big of a deal, we just ignored them. After sharing what neat freaks my parents were FMIL said at a family dinner "I can't understand how anyone can live that way, they would have to be crazy." FMIL is extremely messy.

When hosting Thanksgiving in our new apartment for the first time "It's like you guys are playing house." When talking about wanting to move back to the city I went to college to because I had good job offers there and the cost of living is lower "I can't understand why anyone would want to live there" (FMIL lives near our current place so we would be moving further away)

2 months ago my fiancé proposed. We immediately took a picture and sent it to his family. We were excited to share the news. FMIL responded with "what's that on her finger" and my fiancé texted "an engagement ring."

His sister responded with congratulations and excitement but FMIL instead sent him a private message about how "I'll just have to accept that you don't want me in your life and don't want to share things with me" it was a whole essay about how upset she was and how she wishes they were closer and so on.

Now fiancé isn't great about sharing a lot of things but we visit his parents multiple times a year (they almost never make the effort to visit us), celebrate multiple holidays with them including doing a whole thing for Mother's Day and her birthday. He calls her at least once a month plus anytime we have things to share with them like trip updates, and there's a family group text that he will send small updates on.

Of course this really upset my fiancé and the mood was ruined. It was night time so we went home and soon got a call from his dad asking when he proposed and why didn't he share it with them. My fiancé said he just proposed tonight and that they were the first people he told to which his dad said "oh, we thought you proposed previously and didn't tell us, congratulations."

Then his dad said he should talk to FMIL. She then started saying awful stuff and being mean. She was very upset and said "why didn't you ask me to go ring shopping with you" he said "I just didn't think of that" and she said "I mean did you think about how happy that would've made me?

Did you think about how I would feel at all?" And the worst, she ended the call with "I wish you would go to therapy so that I wouldn't have to feel so lonely." She also said to tell me "I'm happy if she's happy" which I can't place why but that really bothers me. Maybe I'm crazy so let me know if I am but why couldn't she just say she was happy for us?

She then tried to plan an engagement party but told us it would have to be between two dates based on her, her friend (who wanted to host it and who I only met once), and his sister's availability. Her friend's house is 3 hours from us and we don't have a car and is of no significance to my fiancé other than being FMIL's friend.

After not responding to her invite for a week (we were emotionally exhausted and wanted to wait until the weekend to respond). She got upset and said my fiancé was punishing her for no reason and he was being disrespectful by not responding. When he explain why we were hurt and upset she got upset and sent another long nasty text.

She said her reaction had nothing to do with our engagement and was between her and him implying I had no business knowing about her outburst. She said she barely knew me and only can think of 2 dinners we had together (we've known each other for 2 years and we've even sent private texts to each other, I've also been on many phone calls with my fiancé and his parents.

I would guess we've spent at least 10 occasions in person together each time almost the whole day. She's also never made any comments before about wanting to spend more time or get to know me more.)

She then made a comment about me having a bad relationship with my parents and saying I treat them badly (I have emotionally abusive parents and have gone through YEARS of therapy for it. I'm very low contact with them). My fiancé respond with another text explaining we needed time and that she spoiled our engagement. She eventually sent us both a text "apologizing" here are the main points.

She said she regrets her reaction to our engagement. She asked for a "do over" and to pretend it never happened. She said that was easier than wishing she was someone else and explained how she has always been like this and my fiancé knows that. And then said her outburst happens because of "fatigue, hunger, trauma, medication, ADHD" etc.

She said her reaction had nothing to do with me. She said she made comments about my parents out of ignorance. She said if she had known I was listening she wouldn't have asked my fiancé to consider going ring shopping with her.

She ended with a story about how his father never proposed to her and his father's mother offered to pick out a ring for her and she said "no thanks." No explanation as to why she wanted to share that story.

A few weeks ago we called my fiancé's parents to speak about the situation and we got more deflections/reasonings, our feelings being dismissed, and a lot of small talk/changing the topic. When my fiancé asked that FMIL not have harsh reactions in the future she responded with "I'll try but we'll see."

My fiancé since then saw a therapist and we have spoken a lot about the stress this has put on our relationship (we haven't gotten to celebrate our engagement at all and have had many arguments about this because he doesn't recognize the emotional manipulation patterns she has and I have to point them out.)

Also his dad and sister keep enabling her, they will admit to us FMIL is wrong but that we need to be understanding or that that's just how she is and we should do x, y and z to keep the peace.

He has grown a lot in the past two months from excusing/wanting to "keep working on it" with his parents to realizing their poor behavior but it's been hard on me because all of this is exactly how my parents treated me growing up. I hate walking on eggshells or prioritizing other people's happiness or "the peace" over being treated with respect.

We had another phone call with his parents tonight as my fiancé wanted one more before agreeing to boundaries. It was awful. FMIL kept saying we were being hurtful and she can't control our feelings/it's our fault that we are upset.

The phone call became about how much his parents are upset by my fiancé not sharing enough and when we explained that we are scared to share due to her reactions they said that wasn't fair and that "she can't change who she is." That she didn't intend to be hurtful so we can't hold that against her and the only way to solve this is to share more.

They kept being dismissive of both of our feelings and not letting us finish talking while also saying "but I just don't understand why you feel that way" as we are trying to explain. They also kept saying my feelings weren't valid because this isn't about me and so many other awful things.

His dad's response to me saying we don't know what we can or can't say that will tick her off was "well that's because you don't know her well enough, if you did you would know what her sensitivities are." FMIL kept saying we were saying she wasn't allowed to have feelings which isn't what we were saying at all.

When I explained how my fiancé had a problem sharing with me early in our relationship and I approached that with understanding and love and not criticism she said "well sorry I can't be you." And of course the constant "how can you say that after FMIL raised you and loves you so much."

Basically, I'm writing this because I feel insane. I can't really vent to my fiancé because I know this is hard on him and from personal experience I know that criticizing his parents heavily will push him away and make it harder for him to realize how bad they are.

Also I'm trying to be understanding since it took me YEARS to realize how bad my parents were and that was through therapy and slowly distancing myself from them. I know this is a lot for him to deal with in only a couple of months.

But I need someone to tell me if my feelings are valid or not or if I'm letting my trauma with my parents misguide me (that's something his parents said, that I was making them into my parents but they're not). Here's how I really feel. Adding the context that I loved his parents and imagined a very close future relationship prior to our engagement blow up.

I think they are awful people. I think his mother feels entitled to being in his life in the way she wants to regardless of how he feels. I think she is self centered and selfish. She is emotionally abusive and tries to make people feel bad for wanting or feeling anything that doesn't align with her.

She can never say sorry, it's always excuses or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry that happened" how about "I'm sorry I said awful things and I hurt your feelings?!" She is ALWAYS the victim. Like how dare we be upset with her. I think she has no life (she doesn't have a job, and she complains about almost all of her friends).

His dad is an enabler and I can't believe he doesn't see it because she does it to him too! I'm so emotionally exhausted and I'm scared I'm taking it out on my fiancé. At the same time I feel so neglected.

There's no one who will tell me what @$$holes his parents are, no one seems to understand and I feel bad every time I'm upset or call out that they are being emotional abusive because I feel so alone in seeing them for who they truly are. Any comments or advice are welcomed. I just want to have a truly honest conversation about this without worrying about my fiancé's feelings or his family's feelings.

Do you think OP's feelings are justified? What would you do in her position? This is what commenters had to say:

jrfreddy said:

Your feelings are valid. This experience has made it clear that you can't trust them to prioritize your reasonable feelings over their unreasonable expectations. And you now know that you can't trust them to have a reasonable conversation about it either. Until that changes, I don't know how you or fiancé can justify including them in your wedding planning or spending much time with them.

Who the heck goes ring shopping with their mom anyway? This isn't about you, lady! If you want practical advice for how to talk to them: 1) Less is more because they don't listen much. 2) Don't talk about your feelings because they don't care. 3) Fiancé can do a much better job of shutting nonsense down.

For example, he can tell his Dad that managing his Mom's feelings is not his job. 4) If conversations turn into lectures were they are berating you and/or asking you questions but not letting you respond, then end the conversation.

chasemc123 said:

Please don't marry him unless he fully detaches from his mother. Dhe isn't just a "little bit" bad, she is full on crazy. And you only just got engaged. Imagine how she will RUIN your wedding and having kids. You will be MISERABLE for the rest of your life. Don't marry him unless he either goes NC or learns boundaries.

pilatesnut said:

FMIL is a narcissist and FFIL has developed bad coping mechanisms. This is a no win situation.

Mirkwoodsqueen said:

Did MIL forget she has her own husband? Yikes!

And OP responded:

During the last call towards the end when she was shitting on my fiancé for not "being the son she thought she would have" and not being close enough to her, she also started shitting on her husband for the same thing.

"The two most important men in my life will never be close to me" the call was more than an hour, there was so many awful things said that I could've made the post so much longer. I mean even the essays she sent us were insane. She actually used the essays as reasons why we should forgive her because "I spent the time to write that"

A week later, she shared this update:

I was hoping not to have to update for a bit (because of getting some peace, wishful thinking I guess) but some new things have been going on and I would like some advice.

After my last post, my fiancé and I talked and we agreed going no contact for 2 months would be a good start. We wanted to get the 2 months back since our engagement to actually enjoy our engagement and not have to deal with anymore drama with his parents. After the 2 months we would reevaluate what we wanted to do with his parents.

I thought the 2 months would help him realize how unhappy his parents made him and make it easier for him to commit to a complete no contact but he soon brought up how he doesn't think he wants his parents at the wedding (we were planning on getting married next year).

He said he wanted to go to therapy (we're looking for a therapist and are debating on if he should do individual or couples therapy, he only wants to do one at a time).

The day after the last call with his parents, we decided to call his sister to let her know what happened (she was aware of everything up until the call) and to tell her we were going to go no contact for 2 months and not to speak to her parents about us.

The call was...ok? She listened and didn't impose any opinions on us and had no problems not speaking to her parents about us but she never said that what they did was wrong. Her only comments were "that makes me sad that that happened" and when I said even if they apologized I don't ever see myself having a good relationship with them because I'll never trust that they are being genuine.

She said "that makes me sad to hear you say that." I've always gotten along well with my fiancé sister and enjoy talking/hanging out with her but I didn't love this phone call. I didn't think it was bad but I didn't feel super good after it either. Is that normal? Does anyone have any advice on how or if one should keep a relationship with family members who remain in contact with their JNMIL?

That phone call with his sister happened 3 days ago. Today, my fiancé told me his sister called to share that she was also hurt that he didn't share with her that he was going to propose to me, she just waited to share to not over shadow our engagement. Now my fiancé feels crazy and is worried he is the problem since that's what started this whole drama with his parents.

My friends and family have never had this idea of being entitled to knowing about someone's life. I would never expect someone, no matter how close, to share with me if they are planning to propose unless I asked them.

His parents and his sister never asked him if he was thinking of proposing or really asked about his relationship with me so I find it odd that they just expect him to share that when they know he isn't good at sharing things.

Am I wrong for thinking this? I don't know if this is a cultural thing because my fiancé and I come from different backgrounds. Additionally, my fiancé normally spends the day with his dad for Father's Day so his parents are upset that he hasn't made plans/isn't responding about that. My fiancé is also sad that he doesn't get to spend the day with his dad.

I feel bad that he's having a hard time with this and I want to know how to support him. I don't think he's crazy and tried to explain that they are purposely doing that to him and it's wrong. But it's gotten to him so bad that instead of my thoughts on the situation reassuring him, now he thinks we're both crazy.

Any and all advice is much appreciated! I ended up showing the last post to my fiancé and he said it made him feel better reading all the comments. I was worried the mean ones would get to him but he actually thought there would be more lol. We had an honest conversation after reading the comments together and I feel like it brought us much closer.

Thank you to everyone who commented last time and thank you in advance this time! My apologies if I'm unable to respond to all the comments. I'm trying to not let all this drama consume me.