Woman snaps at friend who claims she needs to reconcile with mom, 'do that with your ex.'

Telling someone else where their boundaries should sit, particularly when it comes to family relationships, is never the move. While it might be well-intentioned, lecturing someone on how 'blood is blood' and forgiveness is key can completely paper over situations of ab*se and neglect.

As a rule, it's always best to opt on the side of listening and let the other person tell you where they stand with their family, instead of projecting your own ideas about what things could be. Sadly, a lot of people don't know how to stay in their lane when it comes to this topic.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for flipping her friend's 'logic' to prove a point.

She wrote:

AITA for using my friend's 'logic' against her and making her cry?

I (36f) went no contact with my narcissistic family last year as I was done being their scapegoat. My friend was encouraging me to 'call my mother and reconcile for mother's day' and I explained (again) the emotional and mental abuse I went through and her refusal to take accountability or seek therapy.

She then lectured me on how 'it's hard being a parent' (she's a parent, I'm not) that 'as the eldest you should've helped your mother around the house more and with your younger siblings.' And that 'I should let bygones be bygones and call my mother for mother's day.'

I told her 'so you think if I had done more chores and accepted more parentification as a kid then I wouldn't have been abused? If it's too hard to be decent to your kids then you shouldn't be a parent.

Maybe you should've helped your abusive ex-husband around the house more, maybe you shouldn't have had dinner 10 minutes late, bc you know his job is stressful and it's hard being a provider and father. Next month is Father's Day, you should call and reconcile with him.

How could I as a child stop the abusive behavior of an adult when as an adult you couldn't stop your husband from abusing you.' She cried and walked off. Our mutual friends agree she was wrong to pressure me to reconcile with my mother but she 'meant well and didn't understand, and you took it too far' I did it to make a point on how abuse isn't okay from anyone even your parents. AITA?

People had a lot to say about this dynamic.

SnooDoodles1384 wrote:

NTA. I hate people like that. I have a strained relationship w my mother as well and it f**king grinds my gears when someone tells me I HAVE to make up with her because she’s my mom. Friend needs to get out of her bubble and realize some parents just aren’t good parents.

Edit: ty all for the awards n upvotes! However, it is heartbreaking to know so many of us have estranged relationships with family members. Hope everything works out in the end for u all! Y’all should never feel ashamed for cutting toxicity out of your life.

mindful-bed-slug wrote:

NTA. Brilliant! Sometimes that's what it takes. She is crying because having this growth experience is uncomfortable. You did nothing wrong. You gave her the chance to back off from her foolishness, but she pushed you. And now she understands how it feels.

If you lose her friendship, then it's because she is unwilling to understand what she was doing to you by guilting you about Mother's Day.

SputnikVB wrote:

NTA. People who say 'let bygones be bygones' don't seem to understand that abuse is not a 'bygone' and it can take years, decades, to heal, and some never do. Could you have been more sensitive? Maybe, but when you have had to defend your position mutiple times, and someone either doesn't get it and/or won't let it drop, fur can fly.

And if she 'doesn't understand' as your other friends say, then WHY is she sticking her nose in, it's not an excuse, cause it wasn't her business in the first place. though not understanding seems an odd defense, if she did suffer abuse from an ex, which says to me she's either projecting or deflecting and this isn't actually about you.

GoodToe4691 wrote:

ESH. She obviously doesn’t know your situation, but it was s**ty to use her triggers as a weapon against her. That could have been handled a lot better by both parties.

Rogue-Wan wrote:

ESH. Your friend shouldn’t have tried to force you to call your mother and it was unkind of you to use the traumatic events of her past in the way you did. It was fair to draw the comparison but the way you’ve described what you said was needlessly cruel. If you want to reconcile, perhaps you can tell her that while you stand by the facts of what you said, the way you did it was tactless.

This is a situation that has mildly divided people, with some firmly in the NTA camp and others hovering around ESH. However, it does seem people agree that OP's friend was out of line.