Woman 'fed up' with begging for love on Mother's Day; husband rolls eyes. UPDATED
"AITA for hating my husband's Mother's Day gift when I haven't received it yet?"
The day I'm writing this is the day before Mother's Day. I have spent the whole day (or week, more accurately) in and out of tears.
I started reminding my husband about Mother's Day a month ago. I told him exactly what I wanted: one of those viral book bouquets with a couple of books from my wish list. I sent him screenshots of my TBR, and then again two weeks later as a way to remind him.
The reason why I even reminded him so early is because he has a tendency to put things off until he forgets about them completely-- and unfortunately I think this is the case for a lot of heterosexual men. For my last birthday, we did absolutely nothing.
He blamed it on the fact we were flying out to head home the next day-- but that was not for my birthday. That was for Christmas. And I didn't even want to fly home, HE did. The birthday before that, he wasn't even in town. He was on a dirt biking trip with his brothers.
He didn't do anything with my reminders, my screenshots of my wish list. Did not buy any books. Has not bought anything at all, period. And it's the day before Mother's Day.
To give him credit, he did talk to me a few nights ago about this 'spa' that he found in our area I could choose a couple services from as his gift to me. The services offered were a couple of facials, brow treatments, or waxing options-- none of which I need or even remotely hinted at wanting to get done.
I politely told him, 'I'm sorry but don't think I need any of this.' And he just kind of shrugged his shoulders and is now back at square one.
Since he never bought me any books, I bought some for myself. The package came today, and when he asked what it was I told him it was my Mother's Day gift to myself since he never got them for me. He went into our bedroom and pouted, said nothing.
I am so angry and so hurt. I have told him from the very beginning of our relationship that I refuse to end up in a marriage like my parent's, and that's exactly where we are headed.
I wanted to avoid the cliché last-minute purchased flowers and candy so badly. And I would still try to appreciate them, if he even got them at this point. I was asking him if he had plans to go to the store some time today and he said he didn't.
He's currently sitting on the couch beside me watching YouTube videos on his phone. I told him exactly what to do, exactly what I wanted, and he ignored it. I do not understand why. Why do I have to work so hard to get someone to show they care about me? To show they LIKE me? I truly am so confused, so heartbroken. All I know is, I WILL be keeping the same energy for Father's Day.
So, AITA for hating my Mother's Day gift even when I have yet to receive it?
Here were the top initial comments:
NTA. My husband has never done this to me in 16 years. He has never forgotten my birthday (he has forgotten his own), never forgotten our anniversary, Mother’s Day or anything else important like that. Sounds like those things aren’t important to your husband but they should be because they are important to you.
Time to sit him down and have a serious conversation. If that doesn’t work, feel free to forget Father’s Day, his birthday, Christmas for him and anything else he expects special treatment for. This will likely be the rest of your life if it isn’t addressed.
Maybe couples therapy if a serious talk doesn’t work. He needs to understand how neglected and unimportant he’s making you feel. Good luck OP. I really hope things get better for you.
Dump his a&^, men are only like this when they can get away with it
NTA. My husband doesn't like any holiday or birthday so despite me liking them he does his level best to make them awful miserable days. Well I finally gave up and am now ignoring them. Oh and his latest is if you want something for your birthday just order it yourself. Too many men act like this and it is unacceptable.
You know the phrase “if he wanted to he would”? He just doesn’t care. Do what you wish with that info.
NTA. Why are people saying you don't get gifts from your husband for mother's day? In my area, pretty commonly you get a gift for your wife (as long as they're a mother). Hell, I just got my boyfriend's mom something. It's about appreciating the mothers in your life.
Your husband needs a wake up call. He isn't appreciating you or making you feel loved. The longer this goes on, the more tension there will be in the relationship.
The OP responded after reading the comments:
For those asking, we have a one-year-old son. Also for those stating my husband shouldn't need to get me anything or do anything for me since I'm not his mom, what's our one-year-old supposed to do? Shit in my hand? There is absolutely wrong with a husband showing appreciation towards the woman that's working hard to raise his kids.
For the people who clearly see the underlying message here, thank you. Despite the literal title of my post, at the end of the day, this is NOT about materialistic gifts. It's about effort and showing gratitude. Sorry for those of you who do not see that in this post.
I understand not everyone reads through the comments, so I will add this here as well:
I would love anything— breakfast in bed, crumbl cookies, a clean house, a day to myself, a homemade card, whatever. The only reason why I’m “upset” over a “gift” is because I thought getting me a gift would be the easiest thing for him to do in our situation. (Since our kid is so young and we don't have any family/help around since we moved away.)
I laid it out for him completely and he still did nothing. Granted, there is still time. He could pull something out last minute. I’m just really in my feelings right now. Made a post out of anger.
A few more things:
I’m so sorry there are so many of you that can relate.
There are quite a few people getting hung up on his spa attempt. Maybe I should go into more detail. He had not booked anything yet. If he had gone ahead and did it, I would have gone and been totally fine with it.
But when he told me he was thinking about doing something like that, he was asking what I would want to get done at that particular place. I told him my honest opinion, that I didn’t want any of it. I really didn’t think so many people would get hung up on that shred of detail, but you’re clearly missing the bigger picture here, in my opinion.
You’re really just picking and choosing what you want to read. It was a last-minute offer. It wasn’t thoughtful, it was a quick google search. Why would I want him to spend hundreds of dollars on something I didn’t want in the first place? Especially when a couple of stupid books are 10x cheaper.
The heterosexual men comment was sexist and I apologize for hurting anybody’s feelings with that take. I should clarify that is the norm for the men in my life to be forgetful and to not be grateful for the women in their lives. My husband did not start out this way. While we were dating/engaged he was very thoughtful in so many ways. Maybe becoming parents is what flipped the switch.
I will post an update tomorrow but my hopes are not high. I’m thinking of turning off comments because this has gotten bigger than I expected and it’s getting a little overwhelming, but for those of you that have been kind regardless of your stance, thank you. Truly.
True to their word, the OP returned with an update the next day.
"[UPDATE] AITA for hating my husband’s Mother’s Day gift when I haven’t received it yet?"
For those of you that said I’d feel stupid the next day, you were right. I do feel stupid. I feel stupid for ever thinking that my husband would try to give me the same treatment that I give to him on his special holidays. I feel stupid for laying out a step-by-step process for him to take the pressure off of finding me a gift, and then have him completely disregard it.
I feel stupid for begging someone to show me they appreciate my efforts to raise our child, manage a household, and devote 100% of my time and energy into our family.
The only thing different about today was that he put up our window blinds— something that I’d been asking him to do since we moved into our new house four months ago. Guess that counts for something.
There were a lot of people concerned about what I do for him on Father’s Day & birthdays. For Father’s Day last year I planned a 2-day camping trip at his favorite cabin site and rented jet skis and prepped all of his favorite camp meals.
For his birthdays I make him a dessert and a dinner from scratch every year unless he wants to go out, and we do everything else he wants. I’ll get him tools he’s been talking about wanting, I’ve gotten him new clothing items and shoes that he wants replaced, I get him things that go along with the hobbies he’s taking interest in.
Bottom line, I put in too much effort to receive less than the bare minimum in return. I don’t give a s$*t if that makes me a “narcissist” or “materialistic” or “selfish” or “self absorbed” as a lot of you have called me in my messages.
I deserve a partner that f*cking cares. I deserve a partner that takes note of my interests and makes me feel listened to and respected. I deserve a partner that shows me through their actions how much I matter to them.
Not with some what-if bulls%*t about f*#@ing spa treatments. My kid deserves a better role model than that. Better yet, my kids future SPOUSE deserves a better role model than that.
I think it’s funny how there were comments saying “just wait for tomorrow, maybe he’ll surprise you” as if I didn’t know this would be the outcome. As if I hadn’t been reminding him for a month in advance to avoid this. As if the pattern of him dismissing my days to feel special wasn’t a common pattern.
And no, I didn’t marry him and trap him with a baby because I thought he’d suddenly change. He did change, but only because he used to be so thoughtful and sweet before.
While we were dating and engaged, he always did so much for me and made me feel so loved. I don’t know why that has changed. Maybe parenting has taken a larger toll on our relationship than I thought. I really don’t know.
For the others that have gone through this same situation, thank you for your kindness and support and your love. I appreciate it all so much. I hope you have a wonderful Mother’s Day, if that’s applicable to you. ❤️
As for me, I’m spending my Mother’s Day having a very long conversation about what we should do next. I am not demanding or expecting my husband to go all out for me in return of what I do for him. What I DO expect is some real, genuine effort.
Here were the top comments from people following this story:
citrussnatcher
To anyone saying OP is being materialistic, you should really reevaluate your reading comprehension. It's extremely obvious to me, a stranger, that OP has a love language of gifts, the fact that her husband, the father of her child, does not know this yet is just sad. OP, I hope your convo goes well, but it sounds like it's time for couples therapy.
It’s never unreasonable to expect your partner to put in the same effort that you do. I hope the conversation goes well and leads to the effort you deserve from your partner. Happy Mother’s Day!
What's changed is he locked you down with a baby. He doesn't have to try anymore because you won't leave him now. You can talk to him, but it probably won't help. If he doesn't care enough to try now, why would he care enough to listen and do better.
Society has taught him that he is and always will be more important than a woman. Even the mother of his child. He doesn't see anything wrong with neglecting you because he doesn't see you as a partner or equal. He sees you as a bang maid and nanny.
If it was me, I would stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, laundry, no reminders, etc. Is it petty, maybe. Will it get his attention? Yes. will he react in a way that really shows you how he feels about you? Yes.
If his reaction is all about himself and his needs and wants and no concern for you or your well-being, then you know for sure how he feels about you. If he shows concern about you , then you guys might have a shot with counseling. Good luck. Also all the evidence points to married single moms being happier as just single moms with one less child to care for.
Does he make you feel loved and appreciated on your not-special days? Is this strictly a Mothers Day/birthday issue or is he this thoughtless all the time? Either way, Fathers Day is coming up. I would not acknowledge that day in any way.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. My ex husband was the same way. All I wanted was SOME kind of effort. Some kind of appreciation for everything that I did.
I’m finally with a man now that gives me that. He sent me out for a mani/pedi, gave me his card to pay for it. Took the kids shopping, I’m assuming for gifts which I’ll come home to. And he asked me what I wanted for dinner so he can plan for it. It’s really NOT as hard as men make it out to be. I don’t expect this treatment every day, but once or twice a year really does make the world of a difference.