Adopted daughter changes middle name to birth parents' name. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for changing my middle name to what my birth name was supposed to be?"
I was adopted at birth. My adoptive parents and I have a good relationship now, but it was rocky for a few years there. They didn’t tell me I was adopted and I found out in what I consider the worst way when I was 16: a spiteful relative told me.
Not out for my best interest but they got mad at my mom and were trying to ruin her life. It caused a huge fight within the family and everyone focused on the drama rather than my entire life crumbling.
I finally ended up in therapy at 18 and have been attending on and off for the past 10 years (currently on). I didn’t speak to my parents from the time I was 18 until I was 23. They acted like I was insane for being upset about all this.
Eventually, they apologized and began going to therapy themselves. We’ve slowly rebuilt our relationship. They have since accepted my search for my bio family and upon finding my bio mom, have been amazing with her.
My bio mom was coerced into giving me up. She hadn’t wanted to but her family all but forced her. She had no support. My parents didn’t know this part but purposefully chose a private adoption so I’d never know I was adopted.
My bio mom and I have known each other for 4 years now. She is an amazing, kind and generous woman who is just like me. I spent so long feeling unseen and different. She was like completing a puzzle.
My bio dad died when I was 12 and it’s devastating to know I’ll never meet him. He didn’t want to give me up either but they were very young and again, no support.
My bio mom told me she had named me Summer, but my adoptive parents changed it. She understood but I could tell the name meant a lot to her. I recently got married and am changing my last name. I decided since I’m changing my last name, I’ll change my middle name too.
It’s got no sentimental meaning vs Summer, which does to my bio mom as it’s her favorite season and I was born on the first day of summer. My bio mom cried tears of joy when I told her. She is so touched.
My adoptive parents are p*$sed off. They say that I have erased them. I kept my first name that they gave me. They say if I “had to” I should’ve just added Summer to my name. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:
Not only are you NTA, but your adoptive parents have seemed to be terrible at every turn. It’s sweet that you want to include your bio mom in this way. Your adoptive parents don’t have a say at this point, and they’ll either get over it or stay mad - either way, that’s not your issue.
NTA. You *have* added Summer to your name, in place of a meaningless middle name they gave you. I have a middle name and my younger sister doesn't cause my parents didn't see the point in hindsight; middle names don't exactly come up all the time, so why not make it something meaningful?
NTA And your adoptive parents should have been honest from the beginning.
NTA for changing name but YTA for not acknowledging what your adoptive parents did for you. Your bio parents gave you up, they abandoned you and these strangers took you in when they didn’t have to.
After reading some of the initial comments, the OP felt they needed to defend themselves and clarify the situation.
EDIT; because some people are twisting my words. I am NOT mad I was adopted. Given my bio mom was coerced and forced, someone had to. I was NOT given up out of love. My bio parents loved me but if they had it their way I would’ve been raised by them.
I’m mad I was LIED to for 16 years and by my adoptive parents’ admission they never planned on telling me. I cut them off because they gaslit me and refused to admit they handled it badly on top of telling me I was crazy for being hurt.
I do not need to be grateful I was adopted. I do not need to be grateful they loved me or provided for me. Those are basic things that SHOULD BE done. I am grateful for a lot, but that doesn’t changed the awful things they did.
My adoptive parents admitted my middle name is meaningless. They picked it randomly (it’s the stereotypical Marie). So yes, I am sure.
Finally, I did NOT change my name to be vindictive. I changed it to represent both families. I am not upset my name was originally changed. I get it. I’m just trying to form a connection to my birth family.
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's expanded explanations:
Since there is no sentimental attachment to her middle name, why do they care? She's changing her last name, which they don't seem to have a problem with. Besides Summer is a great name and is meaningful to OP.
'why do they care?'
They probably took it personally, as a hit to their egos.
Which is stupid, but seems to be most likely the case.
NTA. This is your life - your journey - your name. Do what makes you happy.
NTA. Beware of people on this sub who think adoption is an act of charity (it isn't) and adoptees owe their adoptive parents lifelong loyalty and gratitude for raising them (they don't. Bio children don't and neither do adopted, foster, step or anyone else).
Out of interest, when were you adopted though? The only break I can give your adoptive parents is if you were adopted like 50 years ago when the expert advice was to 'wait until you were old enough to understand' or whatever.
But as far as I know the advice and research has supported telling the truth as early as possible for decades, so your parents either did no research when they adopted, or chose to ignore it and force you into their 'bio child fantasy' over doing what was best for you.
Umm...like they didn't try to erase your bio mom? NTA. You've honored all of your parents. My own mother was adopted and her adoptive mother retained her first name as her middle name.
So, do you think the OP is being disrespectful or is he trying to find a connection to the roots she was deprived?