'AITA for how I responded to my fiancé refusing to hyphenate his name? He called me obtuse.'
"AITA for how I responded to my fiance refusing to hyphenate his name?"
alaskawithadhd
My (24F) fiancé (29M) are planning to get married in the next couple years. We're realistic people and understand that arguments are normal in relationships but recently we've started applying for our marriage license and the topic of last names came up.
I said that I wanted both of us to hyphenate so we have matching last names. The reason why is because my last name is important to me as I'm the last one in my family with the name.
My partner wasn't comfortable taking my last (which I understood), but doesn't want to hyphenate his name. I asked him to clarify, thinking he didn't want our names to change, but he told me the woman hyphenates her name, not the man.
I was confused and clarified that we should both hyphenate and he refused saying "That's not how it works." I asked him to think about it as it was slightly important to me that we have matching last names.
Here's where I think I turned into the ahole. This morning, my fiance asked to talk and said he was not changing his name as it made zero sense for him to and my name "wasn't really going to change" when I did hyphenate.
I was pretty upset but left it alone. Later in the day I spoke with him and said that I understand his point of view but since we couldn't come to an agreement as to matching names, I would just keep my last name as it is now.
He got upset with me and said I was being obtuse, that I know that's not how it works and we wouldn't be considered married if I didn't hyphenate. I argued that this was the best case scenario as we couldn't come to a solution that we were both conformable with.
We're trying to be civil but it's becoming a sore subject and we don't want to fill out paperwork while this is hanging above us. So reddit, am I the ahole for threatening to keep my last name as is?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
EndielXenon
So adding his name to your name isn't really changing your name, but adding your last name to his is? And you're not really married unless you change your name? I think your boyfriend's a little bit unclear on how this whole marriage thing works. NTA. Keep your name. And ask yourself what else he won't be willing to compromise on if he can't compromise on that.
itchbaySRPS
I didn't change my name when we got married, and my MIL was so worried about how that was going to work. One weak argument she had was that airlines wouldn't know to seat us together. LOL. My husband looked her dead in the eyes and said "If it's a problem that we don't have the same last night, then I'll change mine." The look on her face was priceless.
Part_Time_0x
I am just learning today that my wife and I aren't even considered married.. I thought we where married for the last 15 years, but we don't share the same last name.... my life is in shambles.
neophenx
NTA, you have what you want to do based on reasons that matter to you. He's also allowed to have his preference and opinions on the matter, but "It just doesn't happen that way" is, in my opinion, a pretty poor rationale to take.
Newly married myself and the wife asked if I'd be ok if she didn't take my name at all, which I was fine with since it's not my name that determines who she is to me or what our relationship is. It's not exactly traditional in any sense but some arbitrary set of rules made up who knows how many ages ago are not how I choose to live my life.
cadaloz1
NTA and tell him that that is absolutely not "how it works." What rule book is he reading? I doubt that rule book exists. People do all sorts of things with their names now when they get married. What he's saying is that he wants to stamp his name on you but he's not going to let you do the same to him. That's a legacy of a man owning a woman, and it's nasty.
180924609421
NTA but this is one of those relationship defining disagreements. His argument is backwards and it's clear he's not thinking logically about it. It's one thing if he doesn't want to hyphenate, it's another to have a problem with you keeping your last name.
LemonthymeTime
NTA. He's got an outdated mindset and it isn't going to be healthy down the road. Just keep your name. Answer to Mrs/Mr. /whatever his name is if it comes up, but keep your name. "How it works," is the mentality that meant women couldn't have their own bank account or credit card until the 70s. Traditions do change, and some need to. I'm in the same boat.
Last of my line on my Dad's side, so my last name is important to me. My husband's thankfully really understanding and unbothered by it. He's close to his family so is keeping his, and it would be a monstrosity hyphenated (let alone all of the proof of name change paperwork in perpetuity). So we're just staying as-is, and any future kids will be a discussion if that's a bridge we end up crossing.