'Am I the jerk for throwing out my boyfriend’s 'performance report' of our relationship?'
"Am I the jerk for throwing out my boyfriend’s 'performance report' of our relationship?"
So I (27F) have been with my boyfriend “Mark” (29M) for 3 years. We live together in a small apartment, nothing fancy but it works. Anyway, Mark’s always been a bit… particular about stuff. Like, he folds his socks into these little balls and gets all weird if I don’t. Whatever. I deal with it cuz I love him, you know?
But recently, he’s been on this kick about “optimizing” our life or whatever. He watches these YouTube dudes who say dumb stuff like “your partner should add value to your existence” and “relationships are about ROI” (???) and now he thinks he’s a genius.
So last week, we’re eating dinner, and out of nowhere, he goes, “I think we need to have a performance review for our relationship.” I’m like, “A WHAT now?” He says it’s like at a job, where you check in and see if things are going well or need improvement. I honestly thought he was joking, so I laughed. Big mistake.
He pulls out a FOLDER. A legit, actual folder with papers in it. This man wrote up a whole list of stuff I need to “improve on” like I’m a bad employee or something. He’s like, “You’ve been slacking on cooking meals, and I feel like your gym attendance is inconsistent. Also, you don’t fold my socks the right way, which shows a lack of attention to detail.”
Y’ALL. I stared at him like he grew a second head. I said, “Are YOU doing a performance review on ME?” And he’s like, “Yes, but don’t take it personally. It’s just about making sure we’re both putting in 100%.” So I ask, “Where’s YOUR performance review?” And he blinks at me and says, “Well, I don’t think that’s necessary because I’m already doing a lot.”
So I snapped. I said, “Mark, I’m your girlfriend, not your employee. And if you want 100%, maybe try being a 100% boyfriend first.” I grabbed the folder and threw it in the trash. He got mad and said I was “being emotional” and “not open to constructive criticism.”
Now he’s barely speaking to me and says I embarrassed him by overreacting. His best friend said I should’ve “heard him out” because it’s a “unique approach” to a relationship. But like…am I crazy here?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
redditexplorer787 said:
You’re not the jerk but your boyfriend is. Maybe should have thrown him out with the report.
childishbambina said:
NTA, you should give your boyfriend a performance review back and ask him how he likes it. The fact that he took the position of the employer and forced you into the employee position wreaks of presumed power dynamics that your boyfriend thinks he is in charge of the relationship and is in a position of authority over you.
ArreniaQ said:
A woman who was born in 1920 knew I was struggling with a relationship that was failing. She was not a huggy feely type person, but she came up to me one day, hugged me and whispered in my ear: " There are worse things than being alone".
That was the only time I ever saw her hug anyone. I'm nearly the age now that she was when she told me that. She's been gone for over 20 years now, and I will never forget the gift of peace and calm she gave me in my life by saying those words.
I pass them on to you. Dump him. You are much more valuable than you realize and should not be anyone's servant or employee. Let him do his own laundry and cook his own meals. You are not responsible for going to the gym because he thinks you should. You are NOT his to improve. If he doesn't love and value you for simply choosing to spend your time with him, then he's not worth being in your life.
MeFou said:
NTA and as someone who works in human resources, this is NOT how you do a performance review. From a relationship perspective, expectations should be discussed and agreed to before anyone gets upset about them not being met...similar to a performance review, actually lol.
PatchesCatMommy2004 said:
No. That would be relationship ending for me.
Leppardgirl1965 said:
He’s a grown man he can fold his own damn socks! You should give him your two week notice and call the last three years a learning experience and move out and on with your life.
Salt-Environment9285 said:
I would have such an ick looking at him I would be so over this relationship. He is not the one for you. You deserve better.