'Am I wrong for letting my BIL 'hide' in our home and calling the cops?' UPDATED 3X

"Am I wrong for letting my BIL 'hide' in our home and calling the cops?"

My husband and I living in a house approximately 15 mins from BIL and SIL. My husband is currently on a work trip, gone for 2 weeks and coming back in another 2 weeks. Last Sunday his brother stands at our front porch, completely broken down.

He’s having a panic attack and afterwards I got him checked out by doctors, he’s burned out. I told his wife (SIL) and she was like "okay, but afterwards I need him to do this and that, and how long will it take." Told her straight, it takes how long it takes. end. SHE WAS PISSED.

In those hours he told me everything what’s stressed him, his company and his marriage/family. It’s complicated but in the summary is, he’s the breadwinner AND the primary care taker of their daughter, never had 5 minute to himself for the last 7 years.

In the end, the doctor told me he needs rest and therapy, so I told BIL he can stay at our house if he wants to, and agreed, but told me to not tell his wife, because she won’t let it happen.

I obviously spoke with my husband and was completely fine with this and thankful I helped his "little" brother. I lied to SIL and said he needs rest (truth) and he will be gone for a few weeks.

After settling in I got to BIL house to spoke to SIL, explained everything (not where he’s staying) and that he NEEDS rest, he’s having panic attacks, etc. her words: oh he shouldn’t complain and she needs someone to watch the kid, since she has social thing to go to. I was speechless and told her my opinion, afterward she threw me out.

Since then BIL is staying with me, and I try to take care of most things, work stuff for him, household, etc. plus my own work. It’s a lot, but it’s family and I’m in a stable place to help. My husband supports from afar.

Yesterday BIL asked if he could join me walking the dog and I was onboard and happy, it’s the first time he leaves the house. Someone saw us and told SIL, she exploded. Now she tells everybody I’m having an affair with her husband, stealing him from her, etc.

Most of the family believes her, because BIL didn’t want to tell anybody about his mental health. I’m just ignoring and keeping BIL out of it, my husband stands fully behind me and knows what going on.

SIL came today and I told her to leave through the door, she didn’t leave and start trashing our front lawn, door, mail box etc. so I called the cops on her and they took her. Now every family calls and berates me, calling me names etc. I told BIL it’s okay, we can clear everything once he’s fine.

Me and my husband think I’m completely right, and to be honest I don’t even know if I need advice or what I’m searching for, I just needed to rant about everything. So thanks for reading I guess. Ps BIL is on a waitlist for therapy but where I live it takes time.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

JRAWestCoast said:

High-five to you for protecting a vulnerable person from his hot-headed wife. You could see that he needed peace and understanding until he can get help. It's good that you're keeping him away from her rn. NTA.

PipePsychological738 said:

My ex-SIL was hard on my brother in a similar way. The circumstances were different, but she was a SAHM who did little, while he worked FT, cooked most meals, and did all major chores. Since she's a very emotive extrovert, she had a way of garnering sympathy from outsiders for "feeling like a single mom."

Yeah. Insiders know the real deal, but since the divorce, custody's been a challenge, because so much is biased in favor of the mom. Even with that heartache, my shy brother is so much more confident now. Anyway, I'm so glad your BIL has the support of you and your husband. I'm glad he's getting away from her and getting the help he needs. It's going to be a hard few years, but worth it!

Tato_the_Hutt said:

I'm just over here wondering where BIL's kids are if SIL was arrested.

GoddessfromCyprus said:

You are doing the right thing and if things come to a head, ie separation, you have the police report. You have your husband's backing so ignore everyone. Don't forget about yourself. Hope your BIL gets therapy soon.

momof21976 said:

Definitely not wrong. It's hard not to defend yourself, but you are doing the right thing in not sharing BILs' story. He needs to start documenting everything he can remember. They may be able to work things out, but if they don't, he needs documentation and a good lawyer.

You should also write down what SIL has said to you about the "social engagements." You didn't say, but i hope BIL has a therapist. If not, encourage that. He probably doesn't need a hold, but he for sure needs someone to talk to.

Thursdaynightvibes said:

It's your husband's job to settle this. He needs to speak with his parents and tell them to get the family to shut up.

FIRST UPDATE:

BIL is in therapy. Still living with us and hiding from everyone, but in therapy and he is doing so much better! He also filed for divorce. Now to the craziest part: SIL continued to harass us via texts and calls, mostly me and since my husbands back him too.

After BIL filed for divorce she exploded like a nuclear bomb. I’ve listen to one tip of another post, don’t answer, but also don’t block her, keep the text for court. So that’s what we did.

In one drunk Voicemail she spilled some tea, there is a good chance BIL isn’t the father of the child, she’s been sleeping around with several men since they started dating. So now there will be an DNA test.

Most of the family are still on her side, since BIL isn’t ready to talk about all this with everyone, but once he is, I’m sure some of them will regret calling us every name in universe. My husband and I have no intention talk to them anyway, at least for the moment.

Thanks for your support!!! Oh and my highlight: mother of SIL also sensed some texts, telling me something along the lines: "it’s sinful to live with two brothers. hope they don’t f each other." This one actually made me laugh.

SECOND UPDATE:

Hello everyone, we have some crazy days behind us, and I thought I'd give you an insight on the highlights of this week. It was an epitome of craziness. Grateful the time before and after were relatively calm. But let's start:

THE BIRTHDAY: On Tuesday was BILs birthday, hubby and I asked beforehand if he had plans, if we should plan something or should it be a day like every other day. He simply asked if I could make lasagna (his favorite) and if my husband is down to play darts after dinner. Sounded like a good, easy plan, and we we're happy to celebrate his birthday at all.

While we were eating our doorbell rang and my husband thought it was amazon or something like that, so he opened the front door without looking - BIG mistake. A few seconds later hubby's/BIL parents (my in-laws) and BILs in-laws standing in our living room. We told BIL if he wants he can stay in the dining room, we're handling it. And he agreed.

To cut the story short, they wanted to do an intervention for us, because our 'living situation' is sinful and completely unacceptable. Before I could say anything my husband blew up on them. He told everyone to "shut the f up" and that the only thing we do is giving BIL a roof over his head and support through a hard time.

I know he kept it vague, our goal was still to give BIL the time to tell them himself. And I wasn't expecting the time was this moment, but it was. Right after my husbands outburst the whole squad of "in-laws" talked at the same time, one louder than the other until BIL storms out the dining room and puts all of them back in their place.

He started at the beginning and told everything, his breakdown, his burn out, the treatment from his wife, the infidelity of his wife, the emotional abuse, EVERYTHING! (I really think he needed this, he said himself how "free" he felt afterwards) He told them how we/especially me saved his life and how thankful he's for us (i tell you now, my heart melted like ice in the sahara)

And then the screaming started again. Brothers MIL accused him of infidelity, faking everything and messing with her 'precious little girl', her exact words. I almost died from trying not to laugh over these words. I think "spawn of heck" is more fitting. But that's not the point, we kicked them finally out, BIL closing the door with the words 'Thanks for the lovely birthday present, next year please shove it up your butts."

We changed plans afterwards and watched old cartons on the sofa, while eating lasagne straight out the tray. BIL opened even more up, we all talked for hours. THE DAY AFTER...The next day my MIL (hubby's and BIL's mom), and our conversation was something like this:

Me: You're calling to say sorry?
MIL: no, I can't reach my sons, I need to talk to them

Me: tell me and I tell them, but please keep it short i've got better things to do
MIL: is everything true?
Me: yes.

MIL: okay, when are you dropping BIL of?
Me: why would I do this?
MIL: I'm his mom, I can care so much better for him. And even if you were just helping, it's still inappropriate, he can't live with you, especially if X (my husband) needs to go on business trips.

Me: Ok, it was a pleasure talking to you, but I'm out. Call if you want to give a proper excuse, to me and both of your sons, or don't call at all. There were a few text massages afterwards from my MIL, I ignored them. After this everything was calm, no calls no text to this day. I hope it stays like this!

Thank you all for your support! It helps to write everything down and process it again! If something crazy like this happens again, I'll update (or after the DNA test). But right now he's back at focusing on his therapy and divorce, while hubby and me support him, and planning some date nights for us to chill out together! See/hear you all soon (Hopefully not too soon, I like silence and peace).

THIRD UPDATE:

I have big hope for this being the last update. But let's start with the biggest news, he is not the dad of the child (I'm sorry for the child, but happy af for my BIL, it means cutting SIL out of his life completely is possible).

SIL still don't know who the dad is, although three other possible dads are already tested, all of them are not the dad. Streets say there are a lot more down the road to be tested, since she don't remember when she hooked up with who.

At least one of the already tested "suspects" is also married with kids. His is also going to divorce him. (News spread fast in small towns). I think if we go with this rate, half of this town is either a) divorced by the end of next year or b) secretly one big swinger club.

SIL is still a pain in the ass, although even the judge ordered her to leave us and especially BIL alone, but the calls still coming through (straight to voicemail). But after all this time we are professionals in documenting them and ignoring them afterwards. After the divorce we're definietly blocking her and going to get restriction orders.

BIL is going strong, therapy helps him so much and he's in such a good place at the moment. I commented on my last update about our holiday plans. We're taking advantage of my husbands work trip in two days by tagging along and expanding it over the holidays as a family vacation.

BIL has filed for divorce on the grounds of hardship. (with valid reasons you can skip the seperation year, which is necessarily in our country). The first few court days are already done and if everything went smooth then he's divorced by the end of January.

BIL is also back on track with his work AND found an apartment a few towns over. He's moving in the beginning of January. It's far enough to have a few miles between himself and this drama, but close enough for work and all the other stuff. Until then we're more than happy to have him with us!

BIL also wanted to "reimburse" us, but we happily declined this for the last few weeks he brought it up. If he's going to ask another time, we have a little surprise for him. He can reimburse us by being a godfather to his niece/nephew since I'm nine weeks pregnant. (You all are the first to know, obviously besides my husband). If he don't asks again we will ask him on our trip to be the godfather.

My husband and I tried for so long and it's crazy, that it happened now, in one of the most stressful months of our life, but we're so happy and full with anticipation! I hope this is my last update and nothing crazy happens, since most of the things are sorted out (except the finality of the divorce, but we will get there). I hope you all have the happiest holidays with as little stress and family drama as possible!