'An unexpected affair taught me more in 6 months than my 10 year relationship...'

"An unexpected affair taught me more in 6 months than my 10 year relationship..."

I never went looking for this. What started as an unexpected connection turned into an affair that’s been going on for over 8 months emotionally deep, no intimacy, a few brief meet-ups and I’m honestly still processing how much it’s changed me. The biggest shock wasn’t the affair itself. It was what it revealed.

Being emotionally close to my affair partner (older than me, steady, grounded, emotionally mature) created such a stark contrast to my long term partner that it completely shook my understanding of what I had been living in. For ten years, I was in a relationship with the father of my children that I now recognize as emotionally abusive and deeply unhealthy.

At the time, I normalized it. I adapted. I shrank. I saw red flags but I saw some “trying” and potential and was holding out for hope he‘d change and grow up for much of the relationship.

Experiencing consistency, calm communication, and emotional presence from someone else made it impossible to unsee how chaotic and damaging my former relationship truly was.

What’s wild is that this connection without physical intimacy made me feel more emotionally seen and bonded than I ever did in that decade long relationship. I can’t even imagine what adding physical intimacy to that kind of emotional connection would feel like. I don’t know if it will ever happen, and I’m at peace with that uncertainty.

I’m now two months separated, and I know this connection will likely fizzle out eventually. But I don’t see it as something I regret. It was a catalyst. It cracked something open in me that needed to be confronted.

It forced me to stop minimizing what I was tolerating and start asking myself harder questions about my worth, my needs, and what I want my life to look like for myself and for my children. I’ll never forget him…a random man I met on one spring day — not because of what we did, but because of what he unintentionally helped me see.

This experience taught me that sometimes clarity doesn’t come from therapy or time or logic alone sometimes it comes through contrast. I’ve really appreciated reading others’ perspectives and stories in this sub. It’s helped me feel less alone while sitting with all of this. Thanks for listening.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

redditismybestie said:

People rarely change for others. I also learned to stop expecting my partner to change and just accepted that we’re not compatible. Once you realize this things are so much easier.

tonytsunami said:

Thank your for sharing your revelation. We can all see how much others appreciate it too. Good luck on your next steps.

Street_Clerk8504 said:

I think this happens more often than not. APs bring a different dynamic or even a different type of energy. An energy that you didn’t know existed and a dynamic so unfamiliar it feels unreal. It’s these things that really help us figure out who we really are or what we are truly looking for.

[deleted] said:

I just said this to someone else but your message honestly just made me feel less alone so.. thank you for sharing wishing you well stranger. I am also in a situation that I'm realizing is abusive and unhealthy and yeah...

It can be really confusing when that's been your "person" for so long and it's all you know. I hope one day i can find someone who treats me like your new person treats you.

tonytsunami said:

Thank your for sharing your revelation. We can see from all the up votes how much others appreciate it. Good luck on your next steps.