"AITA for scaring a wedding guest away with a rude message?"
My best friend, Alice, is getting married in November 2023, and has asked me to be her Man of Honour. I've accepted! I see no issues, apart from the fact that one of her friends called Bob will be coming to the wedding.
To put it lightly, I don't like Bob, and for good reason. I was married until 2 years ago when I got divorced with my ex. The break up was brutal, and Bob had a very big hand to play in it.
During my marriage with my ex (8 years long) Bob was a mutual friend who ALWAYS put me down in front of my wife, but never when we were alone. I tried to view it as banter, but it was fairly relentless, and rude, and oddly was often centred on me being a 'little girl'. He was so disrespectful and lacked social boundaries (turning up unannounced at my house at 10pm, multiple times, for example).
He then went on hours long walks with my wife, and during heated arguments with my wife, she disclosed to me that Bob suggested I was abusive. During the separation, Bob took my ex in and comforted her.
I then got wind that shortly after, they tried to date, but it didn't work out. This pretty much confirmed to me that Bob was doing all the above (and more) to put me down, get me out of the picture, and to be with my wife.
I told Alice in a recent talk that I'd send a message to Bob to iron out things. She said it's fine. I wrote and sent to him via messenger:
"Bob, I’m sure you must have heard that Alice and Steven are getting married in August. I’ll definitely be attending the event, and I’m somewhat sure you will be also. As such, I just wanted to write you a quick message to iron out some things before the wedding, just to not have any issues which could affect the smooth-running of it.
To give some background to this message, I am completely aware of what has happened before, during and after the events surrounding the relationship between me and my ex.
I am writing not to trudge up past events, but to safeguard future ones. With that in mind, I would like you to interact with me as little as is possible on the day of the event, as insignificant as it may have been. If you do interact with me, you must do so with respect and proper acknowledgment of social boundaries.
While it is disappointing that I have to speak of the need of respect and boundaries, you have, somewhat consistently throughout the time I knew you, shown a flagrant disregard for such understandings as a person. I am not really the type of person to tolerate such disregards anymore.
The same requirement of respect and boundaries extends to my partner, and pretty much anyone at the event, and in life in general. I hope you are flourishing. Harry."
Upon reading it, Bob called the groom and said that he wasn't coming to the wedding, citing he was uncomfortable with me being there. Alice said my message was rude and demanding, but she understands it's how I felt. I feel a bit bad that her friend isn't coming because of me. AITA?
Let's find out.
okbutlikeforreatho writes:
NTA. Honestly, I don’t think your message was rude. It was straightforward. And you cleared it with Alice first that you would be sending a message. Bob is uncomfy because you know EXACTLY what kind of person he is.
leftcar6520 writes:
Look I really wanted to be on your side, because you were obviously wronged by Bob. But it seems more like you wanted to use this opportunity to vent your anger moreso than prevent more conflict. Your message is passive aggressive and disingenuous. You absolutely wanted to 'trudge (dredge) up past events', and you don't for a second hope he is flourishing.
canyoncayote writes:
NTA. While I do think you could have included that out of respect for your friend you won’t be seeking out an opportunity to resolve these old issues at the wedding, I don’t think this was bad. (Just throw in a little “don’t start no thing, won’t be no thing” in a professional way.)
I think he knows darn well what he did. (And it didn’t end up working out for him.) I don’t think he would have come once he knew you’d be there. He knows what he did and is afraid of the potential repercussions.
This man literally ruined your previous relationship, good on you for showing restraint and attempting to be amicable in the first place. It's more than he deserves. NTA