Woman refuses to support sister's stillbirth charity, says, 'I have my reasons.'
When this woman is annoyed with her sister, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for not supporting my sister's stillbirth charity?'
Background info: I (34f) have never had a great relationship with my older sister (36f) but we are civil. She lives near and has a close relationship with our mom. I live in a different country. I am very-low-contact with our mom due to child trauma (I've had extensive therapy.)
I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl in 2017 at 35.5 weeks. It was terrifying and traumatising and, for anyone else who has been in this boat, I highly recommend the charity Sands.
My family were not very supportive. I get it: baby death makes people weird.
My daughter’s death took a huge toll on my mental health. I mention this because I feel it contributes to my anxiety about being TA.
In 2019 my sister became pregnant with a baby girl. I was happy for her and excited to become an Aunt. I also had a lot of difficult feelings. My sister has always managed to outshine me, and I still carry some of that insecurity.
It was irrational to think she got pregnant to spite me, but my grief-addled brain was not rational. I expressed to my sister and mom that I was struggling a bit and that although I was overjoyed, I may occasionally need to go “offline” for a couple days to tend to my emotions.
My mom blanked me for several days before saying she was “disappointed” the new baby wasn’t bringing my sister and I closer. She “couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be happy” and she “wasn’t going to stop posting happy things just because I was upset.”
My sister also didn’t understand. She accused me of being jealous. Both her and my mom, on a few occasions, said, “you lost a daughter but we lost a niece”, which I took to mean that they also suffered a terrible loss but were handling it better than I was.
I felt angry and misunderstood by their reactions. We all argued to the point where we stopped talking to each other. I wasn’t there for my sister during her pregnancy or for the first six months of my niece’s life.
I take full responsibility for this. I was hurt and couldn’t process that enough to remember my role as an Aunt. My sister and I eventually patched things together, albeit shakily. She has a healthy baby girl and I try to be a good Aunt from afar!
Six months ago my sister said she started a Stillbirth Charity and asked me to write about my experience for the website. I felt uncomfortable and took several days to think.
Eventually I wrote her back and said I didn’t feel comfortable writing my story because so much of my experience was tainted by our family’s reactions, including hers.
She got angry and asked whether I would write my story if it wasn’t her asking. She said it was “unfortunate” that I wouldn’t support her. I told her that I felt like I was in a good place and didn’t want to open it all back up again. Our communication has deteriorated since. So, Reddit, AITA for not supporting her?
Let's find out.
selfcare98 writes:
NTA. Your grief is your own and you are managing it as appropriate for you. Your sister is TA because she is not allowing you to work through this in your own way, and repeatedly pressing you when you have stated your boundaries.
localbusiness writes:
NTA. I’m honestly flabbergasted that your mother responded that way. Both her and your sister are some real pieces of work. Honestly, from what you’ve stated, I’m not sure why you haven’t just cut them off. Sooo sad. Such a hard time for sister. Such a difficult time for her that she felt it appropriate to ask you to write about your experience /s
squirrelmama98 writes:
NTA She had no right to ask you to do that! What is she playing at here? Why is this all the sudden important to her when it wasn't important to her when it happened to you?
I wouldn't want to open it up either if I were you. Maybe in the future you might want to work it through in therapy or something... But it's certainly not something for her to profit off of, run a business off of... Whatever she's trying to do. I'm so sorry for your loss!