Couple plans child-free destination wedding, 'not attending could kill the friendship.'

"You can’t have a child-free destination wedding (and get upset if people can’t make it)..."

My best friend is having a destination wedding which was originally meant to be child-free. At the time of the engagement it wasn’t an issue but several of us have since had babies. They recently decided two couples would be allowed to bring theirs because of childcare issues.

With the way they communicated this to us, we assumed we could bring our baby, but when I mentioned something about it last week my friend said only people who “really can’t find childcare” can bring their baby.

A few days later she told us that she was in the middle of a big fallout with another couple who “lied” about not being able to get childcare to bring their baby to the wedding, and said it could not be out of childcare “preferences” but out of “necessity," with justifications on who could and couldn’t bring them.

One couple, whose baby was born one month before ours, is allowed because one side’s parents live abroad and the other can’t be trusted to look after the baby. Fine. But similar circumstances don’t apply to us - my parents live abroad and my husband’s have too many work/family commitments.

On top of this, my baby is exclusively breastfed/won’t take a bottle so needs to be in the country with us and I’d have to leave to feed the baby. When I brought this up, it transpired that they assumed we could pay for one set of parents to travel with us to the destination to babysit for one night, saying they “don’t ask much of their friends," and suggesting it’s because we earn enough to cover it.

Well, travel to their venue from where we/our parents live takes a whole day and that plus a 2-night stay costs more than a week’s wages. Asking guests to cover that, and asking parents to give up that much leave allowance and time to babysit for one night is a HUGE ask in my view.

The idea of alternative (having my husband and baby travel at great cost to not attend a wedding other babies can attend) is too unpalatable to me. So here I am, in a position where I will likely not be able to attend my best friend’s wedding because we don’t tick the right “unable to get childcare” box.

I’ve been told by a mutual friend that me not attending could kill the friendship, but I can’t see myself being able to get past this if my husband and baby are excluded from a wedding other babies can attend based on higher expectations of us and our families.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

citydock2000 said:

Her being so weird about this would kill the friendship. All you need to say is the truth - "my parents aren't available to travel, and I can't travel without my kid - I don't want to miss your wedding of course, but my current workable options are bring kid or don't come since I need to stay with kid. Which would you prefer?"

And if she pushed, "I know, this is so difficult for me, too. My options are limited here, so of the options I have available, which do you think I should do?" And if she says, "bring your parents - "that's not an option for us, bringing my parents is not on the table. The options I have are to bring the kid or stay home.

I totally understand if kids aren't workable in this situation, but I'm in a life stage where I can't be without my child. The timing was just off on this one - I have a kid who can't be left, you have a child-free wedding.

Both reasonable - but not compatible." If this ends the friendship - a destination wedding, which people KNOW means lots of guests won't be able to attend - then so be it. She is the one ending it, not you.

rabbithasacat said:

This is a massive, massive fail on their part, and if they're that close to you, they should be able to hear you tell them so and not attack you for it. If they can't...well, you just learned something about how they value you.

lun4d0r4 said:

You absolutely CANNOT be upset if people decline a destination wedding if you make it child free.

No_Garbage3192 said:

Here is a couple of sayings I’ve picked up that I think are appropriate here: A wedding invite is an invitation, not a summons. “No” is a full sentence. We’ve declined child-free wedding invites purely because we’d rather spend time with our kids.

Other times the kids were going through something and needed their safe people. Has it soured relationships over the years? Yes. But my kids come first.

Imaginary-Yak-6487 said:

She’s delulu. If she wants people to travel to a destination wedding, she needs either pay for arrangements for child care or have a child free wedding. Not a lot of parents would be comfortable leaving their babies & small children with strangers at a destination wedding.

BunchessMcGuinty said

Bride is killing the friendship. Not you.