Man brings up family's stint in creepy cult, dad says 'don't drudge up our dark past.'
When this man isnt' sure if he should bring his dad's past in public, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for Bringing Up the Cult My Family was in Even Though it Embarrasses my Dad?'
To start, I will not identify the cult. I am also not looking for any advice in regards to what I have gone through; I have been in therapy on and off for years.
Anyway, I (26M) was in a cult between the ages of 9 and 14. My family had always been religious, and my father was introduced to it by a coworker.
It's probably like how you picture a cult; there was a leader who told us that he had solved secrets of Christianity and we were the true believers, he disavowed all media and most 'modern' technology, and over time, there was more of a focus on limiting contact with people outside of the church.
Knowing this, you can guess that things got bad for my family fast. Before long, I wasn't allowed to have the same friends who I'd had for years, and had to go home immediately after school; I was only allowed to be home or at church, nowhere else. I can't remember how I felt at the beginning...
but I got more frustrated when I entered middle school age. My dad got more into the church; he would sell certain possessions of ours in order to give more money, anything from our family's finer dishes and silverware to my own bike.
Eventually, at 14, I walked in on my Mom crying. She had always stood with my dad, but I learned she was just as miserable as me. We had a talk, and she agreed to confront my Dad; things were changing or we were leaving.
And... It worked. I wasn't there, but I learned that when my Mom confronted him, he broke down too. He'd become disillusioned with the church, but the other members told him that if he just became more devoted, our family would see the truth.
We cut ties with them immediately, and since, my Dad did everything to apologize; he used to literally apologize constantly, and he also did things like take out loans for my college in his name (we weren't in a great financial situation after this, and he didn't want to burden me with debt). I've spent time in therapy, and believe that while what he did to us was awful, he was also a victim is truly sorry.
I feel very lucky that all three of us have a good relationship despite everything. When I was visiting recently, it came up that I'd told my girlfriend about the cult, and my Dad got more upset than I've seen him in a decade.
Not mad, just deeply upset, saying that there's no reason to bring it up now, that he'd thought we'd moved past it.
I told him that we had, but it was still my history. We eventually moved on, but for the rest of the visit, he seemed off, and it's really been bugging me.
I know he's genuinely sorry, and I know it's very painful for him to think about other people hearing about him at his worst, but this just doesn't seem like something I should hide from important people in my life.
I'm really torn; I don't want to hurt him. AITA?
Let's find out.
cbwhat13 writes:
NAH. You talking about it with someone you trust is fine, and even necessary. Your dad seems to be in that awful spot of trauma recovery where any mention of the trauma feels like he’s getting stabbed. It isn’t pleasant, but I don’t think anyone’s an asshole.
formidableopponent writes:
Agreed NAH dad is taking son talking about it as though son hasn't forgiven him. When, to son, it's necessary to share this information so that GF will understand why he might have certain hang ups or triggers.
I hope OP can have a candid discussion with dad and let him know that he sees him as having been victimized by these people, that he appreciates how hard dad has worked to make reparations for the damage done, and that he harbors no ill will and forgives dad 100%.
Hopefully then, dad can understand that OP telling people close to him is not to paint dad in a bad light whatsoever but simply because OP also needs understanding from people close to him and that old wounds are like an abscess that needs lancing to free up that energy...
so that they can heal and talking about our experiences is a major way to do that, to be understood and be connected to people who weren't there when we went through our darkest hours.
bhive66 writes:
NAH. If I were in your dad’s place, that’s definitely information I’d want to control and not share with everyone.
You telling an “outsider” is scary for him. If it’s something he’s profoundly ashamed of, he’s probably concerned about being judged by someone who’s close to you.
At the same time, your girlfriend is important to you and you have the right to be truthful about your history, both for your own healing and for transparency in the relationship.
The best you can do is reassure your dad that you know he’s genuinely sorry and you love him.