Dad walks out of kid's bday party when grandma puts deadname on cake. AITA?
When this man is upset at his daughter's birthday party, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for waking out of my daughter’s birthday party because the cake had her deadname on it?'
I (46m) am a single dad to my daughter Alexis (17). Alexis is transgender, and came out two years ago. It’s been a pretty big adjustment, especially for the older folks, particularly my grandmother, who is in her 90s and has mild dementia.
Recently, my daughter had her seventeenth birthday. She already had a fun day out with friends planned, but my sister (who lives with my grandma and is her main carer) suggested we have a family birthday party at grandma’s house as well, and Alexis thought it was a great idea.
By all accounts, the party went great, until it was time for cake. Now, baking has always been my grandma’s passion, and even in her old age, she still bakes and decorates cakes all on her own. She usually makes them for family gatherings, and takes a lot of pride in her work. My sister brought out the cake, and the frosting read Happy Birthday, [Deadname]!
As soon as she saw the cake, Alexis started crying, and I quickly gathered our things and we left in a hurry. We had box cake and icecream while we watched her favorite movie, and I eventually got her feeling better.
While that was happening, my phone blew up with texts from my sister, but I put her on mute while I comforted Alexis. After Alexis went to her room and started gaming, I looked over the texts from my sister.
They started fairly normal (is she ok? Will you guys be coming back? Etc) and then devolved into accusing my daughter of being ungrateful and unstable. She said that Alexis should’ve put on a smile because grandma worked so hard on the cake, and it isn’t my grandma’s fault she’s old etc. I texted her back, and said that Alexis didn’t want to spend any more time with family today, and that that was a horrible thing to say about her. My sister simply responded with K.
Most of my relatives are on my side, but I’ve been getting the silent treatment from my sister and grandma. AITA?
Let's find out.
pottersquare writes:
NTA. Let me get this straight. Your sister wants you to believe that this was wholly the doing of the 90 year old with dementia? As a caretaker of a 90 year old with dementia, she felt solo-baking was cool? Well happy birthday to you too OP cause clearly your sister thinks you were born yesterday.
thaliagordon writes:
Definitely NTA. And grandma probably siting either, I’ve seen what dementia can do to someone’s memory and mental faculties, but your sister could have easily gotten rid of the dead name on the cake before bringing it out. Wipe it off, cover it up. Any number of options that a rational person would do when an honest mistake is made.
hotwotsow writes:
If it were anyone else but her 90 year old grandma with dementia, I'd say you were not the AH without a moment's hesitation... but honestly I think it could have been readily predicted that grandma may simply not remember, not through lack of love but because of her dementia.
That said of course I can understand your daughter's deep shock and upset, being celebrated with your deadname must be really painful. She may have been able to handle it with less shock had you talked about it prior and mentioned that grandma might have trouble with remembering that she has a different name now.
Regardless you are never the AH for protecting your daughter and taking her out of a situation that really hurt her. I don't think grandma was an AH either, this is the tragedy that is dementia, it's so horrible. NAH (you, your daughter, or grandma) except for those failing to understand your actions to protect Alexis.