'My dad’s wife tried to remove him from our family group chat. Am I overreacting?'

"My dad’s wife tried to remove him from our family group chat. Am I overreacting?"

My dad (71M) married Linda (70F) two years ago. They had only been dating a few months when 2020 hit. She quarantined at his house… and never really moved back out. At first, I was genuinely happy for him. It was sweet seeing him find love again later in life. My sister and I were his witnesses at the wedding, and I even took their wedding photos since I used to be a wedding photographer. Everything felt hopeful.

But this isn’t our first rodeo. After my parents divorced 20 years ago, my dad dated a woman I’ll call Viper. She moved in with him and my grandmother. One day my grandmother called me in tears saying Viper had slapped her. My sister and I confronted our dad. He denied it and chose to believe Viper over his own mother.

A few months before my wedding, I uninvited Viper. My dad chose not to attend my wedding either. We didn’t speak for five years. Eventually Viper left him. After my grandmother passed away, he reached out, apologized for missing my wedding and the early years of my son’s life, and we slowly rebuilt our relationship. It wasn’t easy, but we got there. So yes, I’m sensitive to patterns that look like isolation.

Since marrying Linda, I’ve watched subtle changes. My dad gradually stopped hiking, stopped seeing friends, stopped attending his former company’s Christmas parties, even though retirees are traditionally invited. I assumed it was just aging. But seeing him has become harder too.

Linda never comes to family gatherings, even though she’s always invited. Instead, she makes him feel guilty for leaving her alone, so now he drives 500 kilometers in one day for birthdays or Christmas instead of staying overnight.

When we visit, she comments on my kids being too loud, complains about our dogs disrupting her cleaning routine, and criticizes how we parent our autistic son. When I call my dad, which I do almost daily because we worked hard to rebuild our closeness, he answers on speaker.

She participates in every conversation. I honestly can’t remember the last time I spoke to him privately. For context, my parents divorced 20 years ago. They attend family events peacefully. There has never been drama about them being in the same room. Until now.

I recently created a group chat to organize my husband’s 40th birthday. He wants something small, just family, mine and his, at a restaurant next month. Linda immediately replied that she wouldn’t attend.

Then she left the group chat and messaged me privately saying she wanted nothing to do with my mother, that my dad is married to her now, that she’s having problems with her own daughter and needs his support, and that she doesn’t feel like talking.

I tried to reassure her. I told her there was no competition. My parents have been divorced for three decades. She denied being jealous but then demanded that we start hosting separate family events going forward.

She also told me to remove my dad from our long-standing family group chat, the one with my sister and my mom that has existed for years before she ever entered the picture, because he is “with her now.” That’s when I lost my composure.

While she kept messaging, saying she would no longer attend family gatherings, which she already doesn’t, and trying to arrange a separate birthday dinner just for her and my dad, I snapped.

I told her she was obsessing over my mother in an unhealthy way, that she should let her husband see his family, that another woman had already tried to come between him and his daughters before and she was gone while we were still here, and that she needed to stay in her place.

Then I blocked her because I could feel myself getting angrier and I didn’t want it to escalate further. I immediately sent screenshots to my dad and asked if he was okay. He replied a few minutes later saying not to worry, that he would call in a day or two, and that he loved me.

I’m exhausted. I don’t want drama. I don’t want to compete with anyone. I just want my father in my life and for my sons to have their grandfather. I’ve already lived through one situation where my dad chose a partner over his daughters, and we lost five years because of it. Seeing hints of that pattern again makes my stomach drop. So tell me honestly…am I overreacting?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

saltybarbarian said:

NO I hate that people do horse crap like this.

Accurate_Drag_7119 said:

You’re definitely NOT overreacting! This honestly has several key hallmarks that could lead someone to suspect domestic violence or an abusive relationship. 1.) changes in behavior such as no longer engaging in activities he used to enjoy. 2.) Trying to control his communication with others (phone calls now on speakerphone)

3.) Trying to control others access to him and to isolate him from friends/family (no more Christmas party, no family gatherings, removal from family group chat) 4.) unreasonable jealousy (irrationally jealous of your mother despite their divorce being decades ago.) Are there ever any opportunities where you would be able to meet up with your dad to talk privately?

Like showing up when you know she will be out of the house or popping by to take him for an impromptu coffee or lunch? Maybe then you can express your concerns about seeing history repeat itself and to just get a better idea of what his experience has been with all these changes.

Definitely a good idea to keep his wife blocked and to avoid confronting her. That would potentially escalate things further and has the potential to deter your dad from confiding in you. Not because he doesn’t love you but it’s just something that commonly happens when someone is in an abusive situation with someone they live with.

urking_mz said:

No you aren't and you need to discuss this with your dad. Make sure you are keeping factual and not leading with emotion because that will make it harder for them to twist what you say. Lay out the instances where his behavior changed each time, especially the phone calls.

I do want to caution you to be prepared that he may side with her and you need to decide what you are going to do if that happens. A good rule for this is hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

grrrrowlhissss said:

Um…no. She is a controlling woman, demonstrating signs of narcissistic abuse towards your dad. I hope he’s strong enough to put his foot down and protect his peace and family. She will not make it easy and will play the pity/ you don’t love me card to try to keep her power.

Alternative_Green492 said:

She may even have him convinced he’s frail now and can’t do anything without her. The woman sounds devious so I wouldn’t put anything past her. Try to visit your Dad and convince him to go somewhere, without the crazy woman, so you can talk to him alone.

BlueSkyMourning said:

Your dad and you need to commit to a monthly one on one get together even if it's just for coffee.

Aladdinstrees said:

I don't think you are overreacting. But hard to say if it was better to send your dad those messages BEFORE reacting to her. I dont know if either way will make it easier for him to stand up to her. I mean, she obviously she is now going to paint you as disrespectful, and try to get him to support her by leaving the chat.

I sure hope that this incident gives him the determination to tell her she may NOT try to interfere with his being connected to his family again, and that she needs to respect him and his family if she doesnt want a separation.