'I discovered that my wife of 7 years is cheating and she doesn't know that I know...' UPDATED 6X

"I discovered that my wife of 7 years is cheating and she doesn't know that I know..."

I don’t know where to begin, but I guess there’s no easy way to say this. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm 30 years old. I work from home as a software developer.

My wife, Emily, is 28. She’s very beautiful. She's a hair and makeup artist, she’s incredibly talented at what she does. She mostly works with brides and bridal parties, but over the last couple of years, her career has really taken off.

A lot of that success is thanks to John, who owns a really popular local wedding venue. John has been a huge connection for her. Through him, she’s gotten work with photographers, local advertising agencies, and even a few small modeling gigs.

She's even modeled in some local ads herself. John’s in his 40s, married with three kids, and his wife is very pretty for a mom of 3. I guess I get it, though, my wife is younger and way better looking.

Our marriage has been great as far as I know. Emily and I have been together since high school. We’re still best friends. We have regular date nights, an active and exciting intimate life, and she’s always been thoughtful and caring. I never doubted her love for me.

That’s why this blindsided me. A week ago, I was working from home and I heard an email notification from my wife's laptop which was plugged in for charging. She had logged into it before going to the gym and she doesn't like her computer locking automatically when she leaves it alone. She forgot to lock it before leaving it.

I saw the email preview notification from John and it looked "fishy" so I opened it. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t even physical. It was logistical—a time, a place, and some comment about keeping things discreet. But it was the last line that floored me:

“You’re incredible. I can’t stop thinking about last night.”

I thought about last night. She came home late, said she’d had a long shoot with a photographer, and we had dinner together like everything was fine. Normal.

I scrolled back through her messages and emails. Most of it was mundane—work-related, professional—but sprinkled throughout were little hints, things that didn’t sit right. John saying she looked “beyond stunning” at an event. Emily thanking him, but keeping it neutral. Nothing about love. Nothing about feelings. But it was clear something was happening.

Then I read an email about booking a hotel for them both in town. It said it was the usual place. I felt like I’d been punched in the chest. I started panicking about it and went online, looking for information about cheating. I read about the red flags and thought about the ones she showed.

Emily’s work schedule had gotten a bit more unpredictable over the last few months. She’d started dressing up more, new outfits, new underwear, even on days when she said she was just running errands. She was grooming more "down there". But I thought she was doing it for me.

There were nights when she came home later than usual, blaming long shoots or last-minute bridal emergencies. But she never seemed distant. She never pulled away from me. If anything, she was more attentive—initiating intimacy more often, planning surprise date nights, and constantly telling me how much she loved me.

That’s the part that stings the most. I didn’t feel like I was losing her. I felt like we were closer than ever. I started paying closer attention. Later I was snooping around the house on the pretext of cleaning and I found a small jewelry box tucked into one of her makeup drawers. Inside was a necklace—simple but expensive-looking. I hadn’t bought it for her.

When I asked about it casually later, she said it was a gift from a client. I didn’t question it at the time. It seemed plausible. She works with high-end brides all the time, and clients giving her gifts isn’t unheard of.

But now, I couldn’t get the image of that necklace out of my mind. I also started noticing other things—the new clothes and underwear, the grooming, little shifts in her behavior that seemed harmless on the surface but now felt suspicious.

I've been copying the messages to my computer and torturing myself by going over and over them. It goes back about a year which is when her hair and makeup business started booming.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think Emily loves John. I’ve read through the messages, and while he’s clearly infatuated with her, she keeps him at arm’s length emotionally. There’s no “I miss you” or “I love you.” Just logistics, compliments, and occasional thanks. One time she even wrote "haha go tell that to your wife."

But it doesn’t matter. She’s sleeping with him. She’s lying to me. And I don’t know how to process that. I haven’t confronted her yet. I don’t even know how to start that conversation. I keep telling myself I need more proof, but maybe I’m just delaying the inevitable.

All I know is that the woman I thought I knew—the woman I married—seems to be with another guy. If I confront her, she's going to deny it either way, right? I know I should probably just sit down and talk with her but then that would clue her in, right?

I googled it and we live in an at fault state. We don't have kids. So if I divorce and I have proof of her cheating, she won't get any spousal support. Also, couldn't she just make up terrible crap that I did to her in order to control the narrative with our families? I mean, I don't think she'd do that but I didn't think she'd cheat on me either.

I'll check out what the internet has to say about it but I just want to go pass out and hear any recommendations from people who have been through this. I mean, it doesn't seem like she loves him but does that even matter at this point if she's cheating on me?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Drgnmstr97 said:

She is no longer still your best friend. No one that had true authentic love in their heart would EVER betray you like this. You're the only person that can figure out if you can somehow get past this.

But if you want to know if she has authentic remorse for what she has done, divorce her at fault in which she walks away from the marriage no contest with the minimum necessary to start over.

THEN the two of you can figure out if you want to give it another try. If your wife has been doing this for a year she absolutely doesn't have an ounce of regret for cheating on you and she absolutely isn't who you thought she was.

Justaguy-1961 said:

Oh man so sorry. You need an attorney that can guide you through this situation and make certain you have collected enough proof for "at fault."

Food-On-My-Shirt said:

Omg I felt the gut punch when reading this as if it's happening to me. I'm really sorry bro. I have no advice that 100 other people here won't tell you, I just want to know that I empathize with you and I can feel the devastation you're going through in your writing.

wiredandtired8756 said:

So the “right” thing to do that therapists tell you is to confront her about it, and communicate. But if you ask me, in my experience, it 100% clues them in. If it is happening and if they have every intent on you not finding out, you won’t. It will make them way more discreet and attendant to covering up their tracks. It might even make them stop for a while, get a conscious and purge all evidence that it ever happened.

It’s hard but try and just pay more attention for a while and try and gather more solid evidence is what I would do. This will be at the expense of your happiness likely for a while...it takes endurance…If you have a terrible poker face like I do, this won’t work either because they’ll pick up on you being different around them.

For me, these types of things happened for months and months with my boyfriend. Countless discussions and conversations where he had reassured me and then finally one day I found the most clear as day evidence there would ever be… a dating app on his phone full of flirty texting and explicit pictures…and even when caught in headlights he only admitted to what he was caught doing…the rest was hog wash apparently…

Don’t give them the opportunity to gaslight you. I promise you it was the craziest I ever felt for months…a very difficult, uphill battle with my own sanity. I believed that someone who I’d placed trust in would tell the truth when confronted…I was wrong.

Cleo0424 said:

Why do you think she did it? She seems to love you and doesn't want to lose you. She hasn't been happy about presents he sent or hid it? Does she have daddy issues? I'm just trying to think why she would risk everything and then came home crying on New Years. Did she do it maybe to get him to help her grow her business? I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[deleted] said:

Sorry for your loss man. Because I know that’s what this is. Mourning what you thought you had.

FIRST UPDATE:

Since my first post, I did a lot of reading about how to spot and catch cheaters. Her phone is password protected and I don't know the password. She's also pretty good about locking her computer and it was just a fluke that I was able to catch it before.

So I knew I needed to get evidence. The following is not my idea. This is all advice I got by obsessively reading reddit stories and comments (as well as other forums). I ordered some cameras off of the internet that look like smoke detectors. I convinced Emily that our home insurance would go down if I put smoke detectors in every room.

I ordered a book off of the same site called "How to Be a Great Husband: Discover the Secrets to a Happy Marriage Without Changing Your Wife" and I left it around for her to see. She did and I could tell it made her uncomfortable.

I got a GPS tracker and a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) along with some strong velcro for putting it under her drivers' seat. Unfortunately you have to subscribe to a service to use the tracker but I figure I won't be subscribed to it very long.

Now, this has all been happening from when I first became suspicious until now. Just a couple of days ago (1/20) is when I finally got everything set up. When I got the VAR, I tested it by hiding it in the table centerpiece and I sat Emily down and asked her questions:

"Honey, I am doing a personal inventory to try to be a better husband and partner. To that end, I wanted to ask you some serious questions and I want some serious answers. Do you feel I have ever abused you in our marriage? Do you feel I've ever cheated on you in our marriage?"

"Is there anything you feel I could do to improve myself as a husband?" Again, I ripped this off of a comment I read on a cheating story on reddit. I didn't come up with this.

To the first question, she said no of course not. To the second, she seemed reluctant but answered no. To the third one she said she wished we made love more. We've fallen off quite a lot since I got suspicious for obvious reasons, but I tried to initiate a couple of times just to keep her complacent.

My heart's not in it when we do it and I think she can tell. I asked these questions so that she couldn't make up stuff about me abusing her or cheating on her later on. I don't think she would make up lies about me, but I didn't think she'd cheat on me either, so I don't know the woman any more.

The VAR got it all. I transferred the recording to the cloud. I put electrical tape over the display of the VAR so there wouldn't be a glow under her seat at night, and I plugged some cheap wired ear buds into the jack on the VAR and then snipped it off at the plug so that the VAR wouldn't make any noise. Again, I got all of this info off of reading. I didn't come up with this. Rolling back the clock to Christmas:

CHRISTMAS: On Christmas, we spent eve and day with her family. It was their turn. Her sister was there with her husband and kid as well as her parents. We were at her parents' house. It was just an hour away. My parents live a couple of states over.

Christmas Eve day, she got a gift bag delivered to her. I didn't see who dropped it off. My MIL said it was "some teenager." The gift bag said "To Emily From Santa." At first she thought it was from me I think. I assured her it wasn't. It was a gold bracelet. Apparently it was pretty nice. Her mom and sister oohed and aahhhed over it.

When asked where it came from she said it probably came from a bridal party that was getting married on the 28th who wanted to reward her for giving a group discount and doing it last minute. She told us that they said she should expect a bonus. Yeah it's ridiculous but I nodded my head.

MIL and FIL sort of followed my lead like it was no big deal. Let me be clear that I knew it was from John. The bridal party would have signed their names, not wrote "From Santa". Emily must think I'm special needs to fall for that. I just got angry in the moment that she had that little respect for me so I excused myself to the restroom.

Later on I saw her in the back yard on her phone. She seemed angry and was gesturing wildly. I figure she was reading John the riot act for almost exposing their affair.

NEW YEARS: She had the wedding on the 28th and was working with another bride for a wedding on the 4th. Whenever her phone would go off, I'd wonder if it was him. On new year's eve during the day, she got more buzzes and dings on her phone than normal.

She would look at them annoyed. I asked her what the problem is and she said the bride getting married on the 4th is a real bridezilla. That night she said she had to step out to go meet with bridezilla. She told me she'd be back in time to kiss me at the countdown.

She came back at around 1:30AM. She was crying, sobbing actually, going straight to the bathroom and coming out 10 minutes later. I told her to calm down and asked her what the problem was. She said she was so so sorry. I asked why she was sorry.

She said because I missed the NYE countdown. I told her she was entirely too upset for it to be just that, but she assured me it was. She even held my face between her hands and stared at me and told me she loved me.

I asked her if she had anything else to tell me. She assured me that she didn't. I asked her point blank then if she cheated on me. She swore up and down that she didn't and that she was upset because she missed the countdown because since we have been married we always kissed each other when the clock struck midnight.

I gave her every opportunity to come clean and she still lied to me. Since then, I got the cameras and the other stuff and installed it all. Now I'm going to wait to get more tangible evidence as well as start consulting divorce attorneys. I expect it will be a while before I update again. I'll be hanging out on reddit, though. This place is addicting.

NOTE: Getting real undeniable proof is important because my family loves Emily. They think of her like a daughter. In her family, she's the "golden child" who can do no wrong. If she told them I was abusive or a cheater, her family would believe her. My family would probably take my side but they'd definitely interrogate me to make sure I didn't abuse her.

Here's what people had to say to OP about the first update:

Fun_Scene_3392 said:

Not tipping her off is absolutely key in getting what you deserve in the divorce. I found out that my ex wife had been in an 8 years long affair with her boss. She was planning on asking me to move out by saying that she no longer loved me and she knew had I not known about her affair that I would have done exactly that.

They had an elaborate plan, where I would be kicked to the curb, he would move out and give his house to his wife, then Move in to mine. Making me homeless in the process, while he took care of his wife and kids and giving him a safe place to go. Problem with their plan is I found out. I hired a P.I.

(Best 6k I ever spent) gathered undeniable evidence of their affair and that it was sensual, then filed for divorce. I had her served at work while simultaneously having her boss served with a lawsuit for alienation of affection, legal in my State, got them both terminated and ended his marriage as well.

I convinced my at the time soon to be ex that if she testified against her AP in the lawsuit, answering all questions truthfully, that we would have a chance at reconciliation. That was of course a white lie, but that’s how I found out the duration of their affair, and just how much intimacy they were having.

The extent of her affair, that she admitted to, left me completely broken. I was getting it 10-15 times PER YEAR max while she was giving it to him 20+ times per month!! It’s also how I discovered how much money she was taking out of our joint account to pay for hotels and gifts over the 8 year period. It was estimated to be around 25k, possibly much more.

I won the lawsuit, I won’t ever see much from it, but I won the damn thing and that’s really all I cared about. So OPs way of taking his time and gathering concrete evidence is the exact route to take here. I never once blew up on my ex, although I honestly wanted to break bones, hers and his, but I kept my composure and won it all at the end of the day.

I won the home, which I sold, then bought a better one. She lives in a crappy economy apartment literally less than about 250-300 square feet. She’s miserable and single, and I’m loving every minute of her pain and suffering because it pales in comparison to what I went through.

Good luck, do absolutely everything your divorce attorney tells you to do. Do not tell her you’re contacting one at all, she’ll figure all that out when she gets served.

Life-Yogurtcloset-98 said:

OP, you only need the hotel dates, go to the hotel and have them confirm the room was used. Also, it's already time to speaking with a lawyer, with everything you have done, you've protected yourself already, but you now made sure she knows you know.

Evidence will be harder and just an excuse at this point, new years eve was your "stoic" wife cracking. The arms distance you mentioned has been destroyed because her AP made her miss a relationship event FOR HIM. Leave your phone in the car. Make sure her phone is near her but not in her hand.

Act like you're in a rush and "can't find your phone", pat yourself down. Grab her phone and say you will call your phone and then ask "what's the screen unlock?" She will give it and as long as you play it right, she won't change it. Get her messages. Get an attorney already. He can help more than people.

Cool-Lavishness-1955 said:

When I discovered my ex-wife's affair, she was guarding her phone like Fort Knox. I was searching for her phone one night when she was in the shower, and I couldn't find it in the usual location where she puts it. Something made me search underneath her pillow and bam it was there.

As I picked it up. messages from her AP were coming through and read some disturbing things. I placed it back underneath the pillow and waited for her to finish her shower. Then I confronted her, and a tug of war started to ply her phone away and then proceeded to chase me down the street! She obviously couldn't catch up and the rest is history.

Standard_Outcome_460 said:

You might want to consider hiring a Pi. The main benefit to using them is that all of the evidence collected by them will be admissible in court. Depending on your state- whatever you learn with a voice activated recorder could be inadmissible because it may be considered wiretapping. The best thing to do is to play it cool so she is comfortable maintaining her routine- that’s how people usually get caught.

Able-Sherbert-6508 said:

The bracelet was delivered to her parents house??? That's ballsy as heck. That definitely seems like he wants you to know about the affair. But he's married, so that's extra crazy.

SuperDreadnaught said:

You made a mistake asking about her cheating. You tipped her off. Now she might start covering her tracks. See a lawyer asap to find out what you need and prepare for divorce.

You need to know what is admissible and what is not. Your voice recordings in her car may not be depending where you live because some places require consent of all parties to record and she has expectation of privacy in her own car. So see a lawyer. They can also advise on what you are allowed to do to protect your finances.

You might need a PI to actually catch them in the act because even just meeting or having booked a hotel room isn’t proof of an affair. You can know it happened but proving it in court is different. You need pics or video of them in the act that is admissible.

She might be upset NYE because they broke up over the Christmas’s gift. They definitely at least fought… probably after intimacy. If you hit dead ends with finding evidence, you might need to meet with the affair partner's wife.

Your wife might be good covering her tracks but maybe he isn’t and she can get evidence for both of you. That could blow up though if she doesn’t help you and confronts him that could end the affair before you have your own solid evidence so that is a last resort if your wife continues to be careful.

Best of luck to you. Also, try and set a camera up to get her phone code so you can unlock it. She clearly has texts and calls in there you likely need to see. she has plausible deniability based on work related excuses to cover for random calls so you need proof of her lies and possible have their message proof of cheating.

SECOND UPDATE:

First, let me say that I'm not really interested in joining any "cause." All you need to do is have a cursory look at the relationship subs and you'll see there are just as many women heartbroken by infidelity as men, maybe more even. It's not a gendered issue. It's an issue of low character and morality, having low character and morality has nothing to do with your gonads.

I have had both heartbroken men and heartbroken women message me their stories and I see very clearly that this issue is not delineated by intimacy. On to the update: I checked the VAR recordings from Emily's car and I got some info. There was the usual business and personal calls, and some Taylor Swift sing-a-longs.

The first call of note was with John. Apparently she had not talked to him since NYE. She was angry with him for sending the gift at Christmas and keeping her late at NYE. John was dismissive and cocky at first. Emily then told him about how I asked her if she was cheating on me during NYE.

That got John's attention and he was asking all kinds of questions. He seemed really interested if I had mentioned him by name at all (I DIDN'T). He said he thought she was handling me. He told her that they should be safe if she has always used the card. She said she did.

He asked her if she wanted to meet and she started crying. She told him that the relationship has stopped being fun for her and that they should stop and she wasn't going to lose her marriage over this (TOO LATE HONEY!). He told her that she should just keep lying to me. He seemed really worried about his wife finding out

(OH, SHE WILL, AHOLE!!). He told her not to call him again on his phone and that they'll talk the next time they meet. He also told her to be sure and delete everything off her phone and computer. She said she already had.

Her next call was to her BFF, "Bev". Bev knows about the affair and my wife was crying. Emily told Bev about NYE and that she thinks I suspect something and Bev told her to keep lying to me but also told her she should probably end her affair because I would definitely divorce her if I find out or if she confesses...

(DING DING DING! BEV KNOWS ME SO WELL!). Emily said she is in the process of ending her affair with John. I always considered Bev a mutual friend. I've met her husband. We've been out on "couples dates."

He's going to get a message from me outlining his wife's liberal views on infidelity as well as a link to the recording of her phone call (I'll check with my lawyer first). Interested in both men and women's views on this.

How would you feel if you knew your spouse was actively encouraging their friend to hide their infidelity and talking about how it is with their cheating friend? Should I be pissed at her?

I did some web searching and anonymous asking around on social media and, on the advice of stuff I got here on reddit, met with what I think are the three best family law attorneys in my area. I had official consultations with them.

I did this so that two of them wouldn't be able to take my wife's case because of conflict of interest. What they didn't tell me in those reddit comments/posts is that the really good family law attorneys don't do free consultations. They charge you for them and then some pro rate that charge towards your bill if you select them to represent you. So I ended up spending $1600 for all that. Just FYI.

I'm not super rich. We have a lot of money saved up but I don't want to tip her off by touching that. My wife's business is doing really well, but she has the "what's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" attitude when it comes to paychecks and I didn't mind until now. I make 6 figures as a senior developer and we don't have a mortgage or rent payment.

When my mom died, my dad moved down to Florida to The Villages. He lets us stay in his house rent free. It's already paid for. I say this because my dad is taking out a HELOC on the home to help me pay for the divorce attorney. A really good divorce attorney is very expensive, I've learned.

The plan is to refinance it in my name after the divorce is over. Meanwhile, I'll be making the payments by writing checks to my dad. The HELOC is still pending, so I'm paying with a credit card I took out for this occasion. I'm pretty much certain my credit score will be shot to hell after this.

I talked to my divorce attorney and gave her the recordings and she said it was good evidence. I told her about how Emily is ending it with John and about the card John mentioned. She told me to take a picture of the card if I can find it and send it to her.

I asked her if it was legal to do that and she said yes because it's accessible within shared marital property. She's going to subpoena the card statements. As far as Emily ending it with John goes, my lawyer said maybe but don't count on it.

My attorney also told me the same thing y'all told me and that's I need to hire a PI. She told me she had a good one . I told her I already had all this evidence and she said that evidence and testimony from a PI carry more weight with the court because a PI knows how to get admissible evidence legally and is impartial.

She told me her goal is to get enough evidence so that any attorney my wife got would settle rather than go to trial because she'd subpoena John and John would be exposed too. She told me she wouldn't be surprised if John paid for my wife's attorney, which would be a dumb idea for her because that attorney would mainly have John's best interests in mind.

But, since he's paying for everything else, she'd probably go for it. I'll be meeting with the PI on Monday. Meanwhile, Emily is love bombing me. She's telling me how great I am and how much she appreciates me and how lucky she is. She's talking about starting a family before she's 30 (NOT WITH ME, YOU'RE NOT).

She wants us to go on a long romantic trip that she's planning on paying for with her money (with John's card probably). I want to scream at her and tell her I'd rather slam my dick in a car door but I have to keep playing nice (for now).

F this crap, man. I can't believe this is my life now. I want to hug her and kiss her and make love with her again but then I remember her mouth was around that asshole's junk. He completed in her mouth and she came home and kissed me with it. I had sloppy seconds for 9 months.

But she LOVES me! I love her and I hate her. I'm walking cognitive dissonance. My attorney told me to get into counseling. I will. I think I need to. I just want to run away from her and towards her at the same time. Does that sound stupid? Am I going crazy?

Here's what people had to say to OP about the second update:

Icy-Helicopter2672 said:

I don't know how you are keeping yourself together. Stay strong. You deserve and will find the right person who loves and respects you one day. I hope the PI gets all the evidence you need and your divorce move swiftly. Good luck.

Life-Yogurtcloset-98 said:

OP...Work out P.T.O or vacation (personal days) with work. after you meet with the P.I. have a friend of yours message you. Tell them message you it's an emergency (family death) or something like that and tell your wife you'll be gone for 10 days.

Make it abrupt so.she can't go. She will tell John about it and they will have a "end affair get together." You'll be given space from your wife while you guarantee get your evidence.

somefreeadvice10 said:

Follow your lawyer's advice down to the letter. Sorry about the financial hit you're about to take. Idk how you can even maintain your composure around her but stay strong OP.

Rude_End_3078 said:

Friends ALMOST ALWAYS cover for their friends. And that was my experience too - universally. I swear even her coworkers knew and they covered up good and solid too. It's the one thing I just don't really get about human nature. That not one AHOLE could have bothered to just send me an anonymous tip on what was actually going on.

angga7 said:

So sorry to hear. But please strengthen your resolve; be like a "gray-rock" and be indifferent to your soon to be ex Wife. Cheaters HATE being grey-rocked; it threw them off and push them into making mistakes - which can be a good way your PI can obtain proofs. Godspeed. I'm rooting for you.

Wide_Ordinary4078 said:

It’s time to start your self love journey. Get in the gym, read up on something new, anything to get your mind off of her. Play the waiting game until she is served and then make sure Bev's husband finds out as well.

THIRD UPDATE:

I got an STI test a couple weeks ago. It's negative but my doctor gave me the HPV vaccine because it wouldn't be detected by the tests. He said if I've been exposed it could take years to show up. So he told me to check my body for warts for the next several years. So good news I have a new hobby now.

It turns out, that in my state you can't record someone one-sidedly unless you are involved in the conversation, so the conversations between Emily and Bev and Emily and John are ILLEGAL and I broke the law. Since I have attorney client privilege, and she's the only one I sent them to, I'm good.

But I have to delete them. The emails I downloaded are still evidence, though, so we have good evidence there. I suppose the recordings served their purpose in that I know for sure about the affair.

On the advice of my attorney, I hired the PI she suggested. I gave him the info for the GPS tracker on Emily's car. He said that after hearing my story (including details I didn't share here) he decided he was going to follow John rather than my wife.

It didn't make sense to me at the time but he said that it sounded like John was more into my wife than she was with him, so John would probably be the one initiating contact rather than Emily. I figured oh well he's the pro not me.

He assured me that he's seen cases like mine before where the spouse was not serious but just looking for some fun on the side and because of the withholding of attention, it causes the AP to double down on the relationship and pursue more. He said women don't like needy men and men don't like needy mistresses. Makes sense.

On the sage advice of all of you (and my lawyer), I stopped being physical with Emily. I told her there were layoffs coming at work and I was really anxious and not in the mood. I don't know why, but she seemed really frustrated by that. It's been difficult living with her and pretending.

John and I get the same treatment (well I guess he got slightly better treatment for a while) but I'm the lucky one because I get to hear the sound "I love you" bounce off of my eardrums from that hole in the middle of her face and John doesn't. HASHTAG BLESSED! It used to mean so much to me to hear that.

I'm so god damn angry that she's made me hate her like this. I want to love her again so badly. My therapist says the technical term is "ambivalence." Thinking about it makes me want to vomit.

Valentine's Day: The PI said John left flowers and a gift at my wife's salon. The PI said when Emily came to work and saw it she threw everything in the shared dumpster in the strip mall without even looking at it. She was pissed. My PI retrieved the gifts.

It was really expensive lingerie and a dozen red roses. The gift had a valentine's day card the flowers had a message note too and there was definite proof in that note and card of the affair. They were practically love letters.

Emily left the other girls at the salon and went to meet up with John. PI got it all. They met in a far corner of a hotel parking lot. The whole thing took around 45 minutes. It was an intense conversation. The PI said Emily seemed angry and shook her head no a lot. He said he thought John was trying to coax her into a room, lots of touching.

Nothing overtly sensual happened but the PI said he's seen cases won with less and that their body language, behavior, and the way it panned out is the kind of thing judges look for in adultery cases. It was obvious that they had a relationship. It was at that time that I got a weird "I love you" phone call from Emily. I remember her voice was off. It was like she was trying to check in on me.

My attorney advised me to photos of Emily's appointment book for the last year or so. Emily likes using a physical calendar book to write everything down. I noticed there are appointments with John in the book too. Before, I would have just thought of them as business meetings because Emily said John was mentoring her in small business stuff.

I found a Mont Blanc pen in her purse near the appointment book. I guess that's another gift from John because I sure as hell didn't buy it for her and she always just used BIC pens before.

Emily was busy with work the rest of the day and night on Valentine's Day as she had a bunch of ladies who wanted to get specially made up for valentine's day dates with their spouses/boyfriends. Anyway, she worked as usual on Valentine's Day. She came home tired, half heartedly tried to initiate something, but I just pampered her because she seemed exhausted and so I put her to bed.

I didn't pamper her for her sake. I did it for me. I wanted to be a good husband so she'd somehow miss me more when I'm gone. I wanted to prove to myself that I'm not worth cheating on. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm love bombing her in return in my own way.

Is this the pick me dance? Because I don't want her to pick me. I can't decide if I'm doing it so that it hurts her more when I'm gone or because I know I'll miss moments like these when I leave her for the last time.

The good news in this zombie crapshow that my marriage has become is that the parking lot meeting and the valentine's day gifts were enough that, when added to the other evidence, we can finally have Emily served. We're going to have it done privately with the PI. He's also a process server and can get it done quickly.

It was probably a mistake accusing her of cheating on NYE. Emily knows that something's wrong. She's staring at me a LOT. I can see it in my peripheral vision. It would be creepy if it weren't so pitiful. She keeps asking for some kind of reassurance that we're doing good, since we're not making love anymore.

I keep lying to her but I guess I'm not the great Shakespearian actor I thought I was. I just can't get over this betrayal. I wish I could. But I can't and I never ever will. It doesn't matter that she didn't love the guy. She had his junk in her and had her mouth on it and came home and kissed me with that mouth...for NINE MONTHS.

I'd just hate myself for going back to her. I'd further hate myself for treating her badly because of jealousy and resentment. No one deserves being treated like a convicted felon for the rest of their lives by their spouse. Would any reasonable person want to live like that? Would that be enough for anyone?

Should I be resigned to a life of policing Emily and keeping her under lock and key until she resents and hates me later on and probably cheats on me again? Either that or I'll be an emotionally dead zombie who says "yes dear" while stamping down my emotions and anxiety every time she walks out the front door.

Who would love someone like that? I'm not going to live like that. I love who I thought she was too much to let her live like that. That's why I'm going to ghost Emily when she gets served. The plan is to have her publicly served, to start the process of having John's credit card statements subpoenaed (lawyer says it could take months for this to pan out), tell Bev's husband about her complicity in Emily's affair...

...and to email/text Emily's dad and sister, John's wife, and some mutual friends with the news. I'll pack and leave before she regains her footing after being served with divorce papers. I plan on leaving a short note, my lawyer's business card, and my wedding ring.

My lawyer told me to leave a note so she doesn't have an excuse to start making trouble. I was thinking about writing "DO YOU LIKE RICH SUGAR DADDIES? YES _x_ NO___ !" (My therapist says I use humor as a coping mechanism). I know I won't do that, though. I'll either write this long manifesto or something super short.

Another infidelity poster on here wrote to her cheating SO: "I know. Bye." Brevity is the soul of wit. I know myself. I know that Emily at least thinks she loves me, whatever that is. I know she'll beg and plead and cry and appeal to me in every possible way: our history, our families, our plans, everything.

She'll dress up and make herself look stunning. She'll pull out all of the stops and I'll cave. I'm not ghosting her because I'm strong. I'm ghosting her because I'm weak. I used to think it would hurt worse if she had actually fallen in love with him. But now? That would have been easier.

If she didn’t want me, at least I’d have my answer. Instead, she wants me, but she’s already broken us beyond repair. That’s worse. I'll update after it all goes down. Should only be a few days.

MINI UPDATE: Emily is going to be served at her salon tomorrow morning. Fridays and Saturdays are busier for her so she opens earlier. The PI is meeting me at my hotel in the afternoon to show me the body cam footage. He asked if I wanted to see it and I said yes. I don't know why.

I just want to see it. I'm kind of on the fence but leaning towards seeing it. He can't email it or post it so he's just going to bring his laptop to my hotel room and show it to me.

I'm staying at an extended stay hotel for a couple of weeks. My dad's friend has a house they're gutting to make an AirBnB out of and it'll be livable by then but not yet ready to be rented out. I'll stay there and do some work on it in the evenings after work and on the weekends.

Nothing huge. Some dry wall, painting and laying down vinyl plank flooring. My social calendar is going to be pretty empty and it'll get my mind off of things. I'll update tomorrow evening after this crapshow explodes.

Here's what people had to say to OP about the third update:

One_Wheel_6378 said:

Nice move on the PI. I hope she understands what she lost. Stay strong and ignore. It will hurt her more than any words.

youknowthevibbees said:

Nice work. Blows my mind every time how people can do this and still say they love their partner…not making sense to me and probably will never do…

DART1213 said:

Remember she is responsible for this. Selfish, Selfish, selfish. She EXPOSED who she is. this has nothing to do with you. as far as being responsible. I would hide away what you have recorded. do not mention them. but I would hang on to them.

Specialist_Theory835 said:

This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry OP. I can tell you're a good guy and you really loved her. F, I really wish I could take you out for a beer and give you a hug. I hope you have someone who'll do that for you. Take care and stay strong.

Xeroid said:

I applaud you on the thoughtful way you've handled this. Many of us would have far too emotional to have achieved what you have. I prey you find the closure you deserve. So she loves you but John is her hobby? What a sordid tale, what a crappy individual your spouse is. I wish you luck and peace after this is over bud.

Dukehsl1949 said:

I just feel really bad for you. Two lives crushed over her selfishness and stupidity. Cut her out of your life, grey rock, live a new life. Get some therapy, you’ll need it before this is over.

FOURTH UPDATE:

I left Emily. We got the divorce papers (summons, petition, standing orders, etc). The PI, acting in his capacity as a process server, wore a body cam for obvious professional reasons and I was able to look at the footage when he came by my hotel room later on in the afternoon.

The PI walked up to Emily who was sitting at her station and chatting with the other stylists who work for her. He showed her a manila envelope and told her he had legal documents for her and she had been served. Emily of course looked shocked and confused and just stared at him, gobsmacked.

The PI clarified that the envelope contained legal documents regarding a divorce case filed against her and he told her she should review them and contact her attorney. Then he dropped the documents at her feet with a satisfying SLAP as they hit the ground since she refused to take them and told her she's still been served.

He then told her to "have a nice day" and walked out. (Morgan Freeman Narrator voice: Emily Didn't Have A Nice Day). I could hear her hyperventilating as the PI left and saying "What?? What is this??". Really, Emily? You're actually surprised?

I was at home and after the PI called and said he was heading in to serve her, I called Emily's dad. Since my mom died, I had (probably unwisely) been treating her mom, my MIL, like a mother. I just couldn't talk to her. I told Emily's dad about the divorce. I tried to keep it very simple and quick.

Emily cheated on me. We're getting a divorce. I'll send you an email shortly with evidence of the affair. I stressed that Emily was being served divorce papers today, so she would absolutely need their support and they should head over to our house immediately.

Emily's dad acknowledged that and said that he hoped we could find a way through this and it would be a shame to break up our family. I guess Emily's mom was nearby and overheard because she took the phone from him, put it on speaker, and asked if this is true. I explained to her about the cheating and the email with the evidence they'll receive.

She started crying and apologizing to me. Since this thing started she was the first person close to me who apologized to me. I was reminded of my mother, who always would comfort me when I was down, and I just BROKE, y'all. I started tearing up and croaked out "I have to go" and hung up on her while she was saying "no wait."

I had packed up my work laptops and got a lot of my clothes in 2 large suitcases. On the advice of my attorney, I took down the cameras in the bathrooms and bedrooms when I left, but the cameras in the common areas can remain because my dad is the owner of the house.

I packed the cameras up in my suitcases too. My lawyer sent the subpoena to the credit card company on Monday when I pulled the trigger on my marriage. I wrote an email to Emily's dad and sister and to some mutual friends who know both of us, including Bev's husband.

It said: "I never thought I’d be writing this, but after everything that’s happened, I don’t see another choice. I wanted you to hear it from me directly so that there’s no confusion or misinformation.

Emily has been having an affair with a man named John (Last Name). I have evidence: emails, financial records, and an investigation that confirms it. I think we all know that her bracelet gift "from santa" was not from a client, because the client would have identified themselves by name and clients don't know her parents' address.

She’s been meeting John and hiding it from me for months. I know this is painful to hear, and trust me, it’s even more painful to write. But I didn’t want you to be blindsided by all of this later.

I’m attaching a few things to this email that make it clear what’s been going on and to head off any of your concerns about the truth of my statements. I know this is shocking, and I don’t expect you to take sides. I just want you to have the truth.

I love Emily, but she’s broken our marriage beyond repair, and I have no choice but to move forward with a divorce. (FIL's name, MIL's name, SIL's name, SIL's hubby), thank you for being like a second family to me. I will miss all of you."

I wrote a similar email to John's wife and gave her my attorney's name and number if she wanted to go see the physical evidence herself. It would have to be in my lawyer's office. Personally I think my lawyer is going to try to get John's wife to give her a retainer. I also sent a group text for them to check their emails (except for John's wife IDK her number). Then I blocked Emily's family.

To the email I attached a photo of John and Emily kissing goodbye in the hotel parking lot and a photo of the contents of John's valentine's day card to Emily (it was explicit). Finally I had a link to the recording of Emily saying that I didn't abuse or cheat on her. I just wanted to head that bullshit off ahead of time.

I texted this to Bev's husband: "Hey (Bev's Husband), I need to tell you something, and I hate being the one to do this. But you deserve to know. Emily didn’t cheat on me alone. She had support. She had help covering it up. And unfortunately, that help came from Bev.

I don’t know if you were aware, but Bev knew about the affair the entire time. She didn’t just know about it. She encouraged it. She helped Emily justify it, she helped her keep it from me, and she even made excuses for her when she started feeling guilty about it.

I have proof, and I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t. I’m not asking you to believe me blindly, but I think you should ask Bev some direct questions. Watch how she answers. Watch her reaction. I’m sorry, man. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But I couldn’t sit back and let you stay in the dark. Believe me or don't believe me. Either way, my conscience is clear."

I then left my wedding ring, a printed copy of the same photo of Emily and John at the hotel parking lot kissing, my lawyer's business card, and a note (thanks for your help on this, guys). The note said:

"I hope your affair with John was worth our marriage. We are getting a divorce. Contact my lawyer if you have any questions or need to get in touch for arrangements regarding the divorce.

Otherwise, get a lawyer and let's get this over with. If you're truly remorseful, then do me the courtesy of giving me the easiest most generous divorce possible. I loved you and I could have forgiven almost anything, except abject betrayal. I would have loved you for the rest of my life."

On my way out, I got a call from Emily that I ignored. I put my phone on silent and dropped by the bank. I took out half our money from the various accounts we have. (checking, emergency, vacation fund).

I have already frozen my credit. When I got to the hotel, I canceled our shared credit cards. I made arrangements to freeze our joint investment accounts so that she couldn't withdraw money from them. They're in my name. Adultery subreddit pro tip: People, if you cheat, make financial arrangements ahead of time in case you get caught.

I then got a text from her. I left her on read because my lawyer told me that if she confesses to the affair over text, we can use that as more evidence for the divorce. I'm responding to her texts here only. Because it's therapeutic to me. Messing with the language/writing of her texts because I'm paranoid. This is the condensed version of the past 12 hours or so.

"WTF is this???" (I'm divorcing you). "Answer ur Phone! We need to talk RIGHT NOW!" (Nope. I have had enough gaslighting for a lifetime, thank you very much). This was followed up by a lot of texts demanding I call her or answer her calls (no thanks).

Then the texts changed. So I presume she got home, and read the note and saw what I left. "I don't know what u think u know, but I can exp evything. It's not what u think!"

(You're right, Emily. I'm a stupid idiot who'll believe anything you say). "DIVORCE??? We LOVE each other! We're supposed to work thru this mistake!" (Mistake? Oops, my wet hoo-hah fell onto John's wee-wee.

Repeatedly. For almost a year. OOOPSY!). "Look I know I f'd up. But don't do this. Don't leave like this." (Finally, an acknowledgment of the affair over text. Zing. Right to my lawyer). "I never stopped loving u. I NEVER LOVED HIM." (ANOTHER gift from Emily. Zing. Right to my lawyer).

Then, the tone changed later. "Ur overreacting. Ur acting like I never loved u, like I wasn’t trying to fix things, but U WOULDN’T LET ME.” (Fix things? OK. Build a time machine, Emily. Build a GOD DAMN TIME MACHINE).

"R you just going to GHOST ur own wife??" (Consults magic 8 ball: All Signs Point To "Yes").

Then, her parents showed up at the house. HOO BOY.

“WHAT DID U DO???” and then "U had NO RIGHT 2 involve my fam like this!!!” then followed by "R u trying 2 humiliate me?? R u trying 2 ruin my life??? Do you hate me that much now??” (Kinda? It's Complicated).

After that comes a barrage of phone calls that I didn't answer.

“How could u do this? How could u try 2 turn my own fam against me?” (I'm not, I'm trying to have them not turn against ME) and then “I TOLD U I NEVER LOVED HIM. I NEVER LOVED HIM.” (No one cares, honey. Least of all John).

"I know u love me. I love u too! We can fix this. We can fix everything!" and then “Just tell me what 2 do. Tell me how 2 fix this. I’ll do it.”

(Let me get this straight. You wiped your ass with our marriage vows and stabbed me in the back and now you want ME to tell YOU how to fix this? I had to go to walmart because I forgot to pack underwear and I don't have a rich sugar daddy to buy me some fancy skivvies from Saks Fifth Avenue.)

"U never loved me if u can do this 2 me.” (I am going to have to block her instead of leaving her on read. I don't think I can take this, man.)

So this is how a marriage ends. No fanfare, no heroic deeds, just whining, crying, anger, and depression. Just like any other divorce, really. Only this is MY divorce and it feels like the end of the world.

But in reality this is all just beginning. I feel this whole process is going to take years. I hope not. My lawyer assures me that, with the evidence we have, it'll go relatively quick. Meanwhile I'm thinking "What? Relatively quick? Relative to what? Continental drift?"

At this point, I just want to thank you beautiful men and women who supported and encouraged me. I'd vacuum out all your cars if I could, and clean your bathrooms. I just want a falling anvil to hit me in the head and cause amnesia like a cartoon character or a Hallmark channel movie.

I know this is tonally all over the place. I keep second guessing myself if I did the right thing. I just changed my life today in a fundamental way. I'm wondering if it's a lateral move. I feel like I've moved from a warm cesspool to a cold gray rocky place. Is it an improvement?

I feel like I have these scars now and the one who gave them to me is the one person in the world I trusted the most. I will NEVER forgive her. Now I have to buck up and walk it off like a real man because feelings and tears are weak and a turn off. I just want my mom.

Here's what people had to say to OP about the fourth update:

Organic2003 said:

“I just want my mom”. Dude I am crying for you. How I wish you could just crawl into your mom’s lap and find comfort. Following your journey has been painful. From a man cheated on by two different wives. It took me a couple years to get over the first one because I left.

I stayed for the second wife and she just cheated again. Leaving will be the best for you in the long run. You never deserved this, the pain is so bad but I promise it gets better. F cheaters they are abusers I would rather get hit by a bat.

Little_Law3996 said:

You did great bro. You did all the right things and I am sure you will be fine soon. So your wife is still not accepting the full blown physical affair is it? Still playing the damsel in distress at this point even?

Wh33lh68s3 said:

Not to sound creepy but my daughter is your age so if you need a “Mom” I am available…

Skeeballnights said:

I want you to know that you are an absolutely wonderful man, thoughtful and mature. Your mom would be so very proud of you. I have two sons, and if they are as kind and mature as you I’m happy. Please know that you are going to be ok.

You really will. I am giving you a virtual mom hug, because I know you can’t have yours but your last sentence made me cry. I want everyone to have mom love. If you need anything you can DM me, but I just know that when you heal you are going to go on to have the most loving relationship. I know you have to walk a hard road first but you will get there.

PuzzleheadedTry7370 said:

I am so sorry for all of this. I’m so sorry that the woman you loved so much could do this to you. I am so sorry that you are hurting.

Far_Prior1058 said:

Sorry this is happening to you. Get a cheap phone and a new number. Give the people who need it the new number and just save the messages she sends and turn them over to your lawyer. Stop reading them it won’t help. Good luck.

FIFTH UPDATE:

A lot of you were wondering about Bev's husband. Bev's husband texted me back "crap" and then "thanks, man". I don't know how exactly to interpret that, but I'm too tired to be invested in Bev's husband's marriage. I told him about his wife being a POS. What he does with that is on him. Good luck, buddy.

"Oh this is all FAAAAAKEEE!!!" Fine just block me and ignore me. Go play "Reddit Batman" someplace else. Emily's mom texted me using Emily's phone. She wants me to unblock her. I ignored it.

Several hours later she asked me again and promised not to bring up Emily if I would unblock her. I unblocked MIL's number. I texted her and told her I was still alive, had no plans to change that status, and that I will unblock her later on so we could talk.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I only want to chat about me or her, but not Emily. I told her I need a break from all of this and I'll unblock her later and to be patient. I'll contact her again.

Emily tried a perfunctory "I'm sorry you're hurt" text which wasn't very comforting. Hints from her texts and the fact that her mom is using her phone to text me indicate to me that she's at her parents' house now. There was a long silence of a several hours. and finally Emily texted me to check my email. Went to my spam folder and there it is.

As before, I obfuscated the text and writing because I don't want her to do a text search on the internet and find my posts. So yeah the email she wrote didn't have these misspellings.

She has autocorrect and spell check like everyone else. Sorry for the annoying spelling. You grammar nazis are now the victims of my paranoia. Also, I am making comments in the email too like before because I'm no contact and this is therapy for me.

Here we go: (My Name), I keep thinking about how this can’t be real. It can’t just be over. How u can just shut me out like I was nothing 2 u. It’s killing me. (Yeah, that's the idea, Emily.

It sucks when you get abandoned by the one you love, huh?) I don’t even know how 2 start this because my mind is racing, and nthing makes sense. I know I don’t deserve a response, but please, just rd this. Please don’t delete it. I just need u 2 hear me.

I talked with my dad and SIL's husband. I told them how I messed up. They said I was stupid and they're right. I told them about how I never loved John and I always loved you and they laugh and told me that doesn't matter at all. I felt so stupid.

I know ur done with me. I know I don’t get 2 ask anything from u, but don’t I at least deserve 2 explain? 2 look u in the eyes and tell u how sorry I am? 2 tell u I never stopped loving u? U think you know everything, but u don’t. Yes, I messed up. I betrayed u in a way that I can't take back. But it wasn’t because I didn’t love u.

I need u to know that it was never what u think it was. It wasn’t about love. It wasn’t even about intimacy. I was pressured and felt obligated. ("Oh yeah, let me just shave myself, wear some $700 underwear and traipse on down to the expensive boutique hotel for a nice crime. Help! Police!)

John didn’t just walk in 2 my life and sweep me off my feet. He inserted himself. He did so much for me, and for my business. You know how much I was struggling, how close I was 2 loosing everything. He was the 1 who helped me.

He connected me with the right people. He helped me with my lease, with contracts, with vendors. He got me meetings I culd have never gotten on my own. And I let myself believe that he was jus being a mentor, that he jus wanted 2 help me.

I told myself it was just one time. That if I just gave in once, it would be enough. That he’d stop pressing. But it wasn’t enough. And I didn’t know how 2 get out of it. I kept telling him no, but he always had a way of making me feel like I was being ungrateful. Like after everything he did for me, I was selfish for not giving him what he wanted.

I hate myself for not shutting it down from the start. For being so fucking stupid. For letting it go on. I tried 2 stop it, but every time I pulled away, he’d remind me of how much he helped me. How I wouldn’t be where I am without him. How I’d ruin everything if I cut him off. So I kept making excuses. I told myself I had it under control. I thought I could handle it.

(What do we call someone who trades intimacy with someone they don't love for goods and services? Tip of my tongue....) And then Christmas happened. New Year’s Eve happened. And that’s when I knew he wouldn’t stop. That’s when I knew I had 2 end it, for good. I DID END IT. But by then, it was all messed up. Everything was messed up.

I knew I had 2 tell u. I wanted 2 tell u. I knew that the second I told u, that u'd never look at me the same way again. That it would be ruined. And I couldn’t handle it. I know u at least suspected ever since u accused me at NYE. I just put my head down and wanted it 2 all go away. So I kept putting it off and telling myself I’d find the right time. But there was never a right time. And now I’ve lost you anyway.

I can’t stop thinking about Charleston. Do u remember? That stupid little bed and breakfast where u hated the coffee, and we spent half an hour at a gas station just so u could get a normal cup of coffee?

And we sat outside that little seafood shack by the water, eating fried shrimp and laughing at the seagulls trying to steal our food and u were acting like a knight with ur funny british voice protecting my food and making me laugh?

(Yeah I loved that weekend. Remember when you didn't FUCK OTHER GUYS? That was a swell time too.) I don’t expect anything. I don’t expect u 2 take me back. But I also can’t believe that u would just walk away without even talking 2 me. After everything, don’t we deserve that much?

I’ll sign whatever u want. I’ll give u whatever u want. But please, don’t just disappear. Don’t pretend like I never mattered. Because I know I did. (She'll sign? This smells like a trap). I love u so much! I always have. And I’m terrified that I’ll never get the chance to tell u that in person again. (I loved you too. But I need you to get out of my life for both our sakes.) Please. Emily."

No mention of John's credit card. No mention of how the affair "wasn't fun" for her any more. No mention of how she was supposed to be "handling me." Is this what they call "trickle truth"? Because a lot of this sounds like the Emily I know, TBH. Maybe there's some truth to it but she's downplaying her role it it all. It's like this was all happening to her and she wasn't an active participant.

I mean, I feel sorry that she lost control or whatever but it's not like she didn't have a CHOICE. She CHOSE to sleep with the guy because she felt obligated and he did her favors. Doesn't that mean she's a professional? Sounds like I was prescient in naming her AP "John." Here, I thought it was just 4 letters that are easy to type on a keyboard and it turns out to be a ROLE.

Should I petition the mods to change my username to "oblivious-pimp6969"? I do want to know what you all think about it but I'm telling you right now it doesn't make a difference ultimately. She's trying to change the narrative to the point where we're BOTH victims instead of just me and I think that's just crappy.

The really messed up thing is that part of me wants to believe her, that she was just a victim of John. But the problem is, that doesn't change the fact that she slept with him for almost a year. If I forgive that, then what am I?

Just sign the papers, Emily, and let's move on from this. Can't you do that for me? Please?? You're young, you're beautiful, you don't have any kids, you are a successful business owner, and you have a whole wardrobe of fancy designer clothes courtesy of your sugar daddy. You're killing it at life. Go live it somewhere away from me.

Here's what people had to say to OP about the fifth update:

xxdiamondxxdustxx said:

I have to say, as a hair stylist in Los Angeles California caring for my child completely on my own, I'M APPALLED AND DISGUSTED WITH THIS EMAIL. I have a successful business and clientele with a cooperate company. I'm an elite stylist with two assistants because I put in the blood, sweat, and tears to make it happen.

Never did I accept these obviously inappropriate favors from a man, and I'm single. And I have limitations on my time. I'm 32. Took 14 years to get here. To have a supportive husband who's contributing to household finances, emotional health, and showing love and devotion? PPPSSHHHHH. GIRL, BYE.

What a weak minded mate. What a boundary problem! She should have stood ground and run to you with the first sniff of mischief because that's what partners do! She could have built her own way, but instead, she took the easy route! It gives me the ick.

She was rolling in this affair while having the fairytale life on the side. I was left on the floor to choke on my own vomit during complications after my c section with a baby crying in the next room while my ex walked right on by and ignored us both. My ex (this was 10 years ago) told me I would never amount to anything in this life being a mere hairdresser.

She may be a victim somehow in her mind, but her delusions don't change the reality of the situation. She welcomed those favors with open arms and no regard for you or the consequences of her actions. Poor her, having destroyed multiple lives over the easy route.

Cheating is a choice. It is a premeditated, selfish choice. Cheaters destroy your past, kick you down in the present, and rob you of the future they promised to work towards. My ex was a serial cheater. Haven't seen him in ten years. He's never reached out. He still acts like a goddamn victim (I stole his child).

Anyway, I won't get into my story, it doesn't matter, but...Hang in there, friend. Don't ever think that she couldn't have found a way without him or his d. She's just being a whiny b while trying to absolve herself of responsibility.

My heart goes out to you. You're doing the right thing. Aside from the cheating, this is NOT a partner that would hold you down in the throes of dark times. (What if someone gets cancer? Loses a job? Bankruptcy? Car blows up? Gets disabled? Etc, etc)

You don't need a weak mate or someone that turns on you at the drop of a hat. I do think, however, when you're ready, you deserve a conversation of reckoning should that time ever come. Don't deny yourself that for you should opportunity down the road ever present itself. Now is definitely not the time. Take care of yourself, friend! You're not alone!

brannamanb said:

Theres always a choice. If she would've told you what was going on, you would've helped her. Instead, she chose to take matters into her own hands (like before when she withdrew money from the emergency fund without consulting you). I know you see through victim facade.

It is completely ridiculous of her to justify her failing business as the reason why SHE CHOSE to go into a full blown affair. Rational people who value others do not make those kinds of leaps. While I do believe there is some truth to what she is saying given the power dynamic between her and John here, its ultimately irrelevant.

At best, she chose to handle things in an unforgivable way and was willing to continue on. She CHOSE not to be a partner and lean on you when things got tough. Instead of handling like an adult she CHOSE to sleep with this man for her own advancement. Real mature way of handling things...

She is definitely Trickle truthing you, because she has no idea what you know. You hold all the cards right now, which gives you all the power in this situation. Maybe this could help you get your mind right if played correctly, to see if she is truly remorseful and this isn't just manipulation.

It seems you have your mind made up with pursuing D, but you also wrote you are second guessing yourself on if you're doing the right thing (sounds like you are based on what I have read.)

Perhaps you could leverage your knowledge of the affair with the infidelity baseball. Tell her you will give her a chance to come clean with everything, without divulging what you know. She has to answer questions in person regarding the timeline of the affair, all the meetups, etc. Things you already know that she is unaware you know.

Ultimately, it will probably not impact what you have already determined to do. However, maybe it will at least give you the clarity that you need of whether she is truly sorry or its just manipulation. Maybe that will help you feel you have made the right decisions.

If she fails the game, then you still have control of the narrative. Make sure her family has awareness of what is happening, and if she fails, they will know that she is continuing to lie. Throw her some curveballs too, mix in things you know vs things you don't know. Just a thought.

You don't even have to tell her if she is lying or not, or what you know she is lying about. Just simply, you better just come clean with everything. More than anything, I just hope you are continuing to take care of yourself. I know it's the last thing on your mind right now, but you're a successful, in shape, 30-year-old.

If (when) you opt to date again, women will be crawling over each other to get a chance with you (and she knows this.) Either way, better days are coming.

Trick-ok-478902 said:

I know that parts of “Emily’s” email remind you of who you thought you knew. But you also know that the “Emily” you thought you knew would never cheat on you. Bottom line - the entire content of the email is irrelevant.

You need to ignore everything she says from here out and look to her actions. She carried on an almost year-long affair. That says one of two things: (1) she did not love you at all, because no one who truly loves another could do that, or (2) she is able to dissociate it from her love for you and your marriage.

It is almost assuredly the latter. This is supported by her “I never loved him” defense. This type of person is dangerous. For those in this group, intimacy is entirely divorced from the issue of love. It can be either transactional or purely physical. And thus cheating has no negative inherent issues.

I’m sorry to say this also means both that she has likely cheated on you previously and would almost certainly cheat on you in the future. None of this changes the fact of your profound and real loss. I’ve followed your story from the start. You are stronger than you know. I handled a different (and less traumatic) thing far more poorly in my past.

As I heard one person say, your approach is the betrayed “wet dream”. You make us all proud. A question that may inform advice from others - you mentioned that you and “Emily” were together since high school. Were you, to your knowledge, the only partners for each until now? I noticed in a previous post that you referenced FOMO. I also noticed her reference in this email that “it would be ruined."

UPDATE 6:

So my friends took me out on a night on the town. I had informed them ahead of time that I would not be drinking. They informed me ahead of time they WOULD be drinking. Oh well. The dudes who took me out on the town were (fake names) "Jim", my friend from high school who knew Emily and I both. He's married. Jim was pretty floored that Emily did this.

"Matt" was a groom I met early on when Emily was working her job. Early on in Emily's career (before John), a bride had her hair and makeup artist bail last minute and my wife jumped in because she was the first person they called who said yes on short notice.

I packed along her hair and makeup stuff. Emily since has had everything packed up in an efficient way, but this was at the beginning before she had everything down to a science.

I sat with Matt and chatted him up and calmed him down before his wedding while his bride and mine did their thing. We had a lot in common and the time flew by fast. Emily and I kept up with him and his wife and went on "couples dates" with them occasionally, but mainly Matt and I would hang with Jim.

"Bob" is our single friend (well I guess I am too now). He's always the odd man out with the couples but the married guys would hang with him so we could live vicariously through his singleness (You can just set up a board game in your living room and leave it??). We'd mainly get together and play D&D (yeah we're nerds). Bob is the DM.

We went out to dinner at a pretty nice steakhouse which was a nice change from protein shakes, but it was still kind of hard to eat. "Eat your steak, you wimp!" followed by laughter was the catchphrase. I got it all down like a big boy.

After dinner, I recounted to them most of the saga that's in my posts minus some details. I don't want exactly what I know to get back to Emily, even though these guys are trustworthy. They were very supportive. They couldn't believe Emily did that to me (and they couldn't believe I did that to Emily).

They were pretty upset with Emily. Matt told me that he heard Emily is really struggling. I stopped him right there and told him I didn't want to talk about or hear about Emily beyond what we had already talked about.

The steak dinner was delicious but expensive. Afterwards, we went to this country dive bar Bob heard about. It's the kind of place where the floors are one large glue trap for human beings. The floors were sticky enough that I had to re-tie my shoes with double knots.

That's how you know you're in a good dive bar, right? They were drinking beer and bourbon shots while I was staying sober. I don't need the alcohol fairy advising me to call Emily and cry and weep and then eat a bullet. NOPE!

I talked to my dad a couple of days beforehand and he told me to stay away from alcohol (I was way ahead of him on that one) and that real men drink "bitters and soda" when they're not drinking booze at a bar and not diet soda or "mocktails". Those are for WIMPS!

I asked the bartender for a "bitters and soda", confident that I'd be looked at like a manly man and she teased me and said "OK Grandpa!" and poured me some club soda and shook some droplets from what looked like a brown tabasco bottle. Thanks, dad. I liked the taste, though.

I soon became stuck in that sober guy limbo where everything is funny but you know in one hour you're going to be babysitting adult toddlers. The guys got more and more shitfaced and more and more enraged about what Emily did to me. They were wanting to call her up and yell at her.

I told them I took care of it and talked about that video I linked a bunch of times here about how absolute silence and no contact is the right way to treat a cheater. They seemed to agree. Jim was calling the female bartender "bro."

Matt was downing a draft beer while stuffing steak nachos down his throat. After a steak dinner. He and his wife are pesci-vegetarians. So I have aided and abetted dietary infidelity just like Bev did with real actual penis adultery. I have no shame now. Matt paid for that sudden intake of red meat later.

We had some lively conversations about politics and their relationships, but not mine. Just to head off the questions, I don't know if there were any pretty girls there. I wasn't really looking. I felt like a burn victim, like everyone was staring at me and doing that thing where you inhale sharply between clenched teeth.

After the bar kicked us out at the end of the night, I herded them into Jim's minivan and kept Bob from purchasing a homeless man's dog. Jim didn't need that smell in his minivan and Jim's wife would harpoon me. Matt was moaning and holding his stomach. I stole a trash bag from the little closet in the bar's restroom just in case he needed to throw up.

I drove them all home (let them get their own cars the next day). I walked Bob to his bed, thought the better of it and decided to just cut out the middleman and deposited him in front of his toilet, head hanging over the side. I gave Matt over to his pregnant wife and told her that it will be Matt who's vomiting for a change.

She tried to talk with me about Emily but I politely shut it down quickly. I don't know why her friends are so invested in us getting back together. I can only assume they don't know the whole story. I don't want to reveal details to anyone until I absolutely have to.

I drove Jim's minivan home to his house. I shoveled Jim into his master bath where he proceeded to sacrifice his expensive steak dinner to the porcelain gods. It's ok I didn't pay for it. Jim's wife gave me a big hug and asked me how I'm holding up. I said as good as can be expected.

She said that I should concentrate on whatever New Beginning I choose next. I guess I just won at STBX bingo because I think that's the top 3 things I've been hearing and saying lately. I paid for a ride to back to the bar where I made sure all their cars were locked before I drove mine to the hotel where I'm staying currently.

Sunday night we played D&D and Codenames at Bob's place. None of us drank. I had a good time then, too. I'm going back to work on Monday. By that I mean I'll be bringing my laptops either to the public library or a coffee shop to do my work. I don't have any in-person meetings scheduled for my office next week.

I think I'm just going to lay low and establish a new normal. Next week (or maybe the week after) I'll be moving over to my dad's friend's Airbnb remodel and helping out there in my spare time. That will be my home for the foreseeable future.

Right now we're waiting on the credit card records and, to my knowledge, Emily hasn't gotten a lawyer yet. Come on, default judgment! My lawyer told me John's wife contacted her. She didn't get any more specific than that. Nothing from Bev or her husband. They're Emily's friends, not mine. I did her hubby a favor. What happens next is up do him.

To answer the multiple questions here: The only overnights Emily had during the time period of her affair were when she visited her parents. Three times. I verified it with them each time. Not because I was paranoid but I just liked talking to my MIL and it was an excuse to chat with her.

The third time Emily went, she came down with the flu and MIL took care of her for a couple of days. I called every day. I'm pretty convinced that she didn't do overnights with John. The closest she came was during NYE.

I suppose MIL could have aided and abetted her infidelity but she's very religious and I don't believe she'd do that. Not gonna lie, it would hurt a lot if she did. As far as news of Emily, I have no idea since I'm no contact. Matt said his wife said that Emily is "struggling" and that's it. I hope she gets help if it gets too bad.

I checked the cameras and Emily seems to have moved out of the house. I believe she's with her parents currently, which is a heck of a commute for her so she's probably taking time off work too. I'll update if anything significant happens, believe me. Otherwise I probably won't be as active on here as I was last week.

Here's what people had to say to OP about the sixth and final update:

brannamanb said:

Good for you OP. It's good to hear you got out of that hotel and got to hang with your bros and take a respite from all this crap. Hopefully it gave you some sense of normalcy.

As the Beatles said "get by with a little help from your friends." No surprise she is struggling. She f'd up big time and realizes how flimsy and weak her "explanation" is, and she is having a hard time coming to terms with her weakness and stupidity costing her you. I doubt she'll ever find anyone who has the same connection and love for her you did. I hate how tragic this is, but she made these decisions.

The more I follow your updates and comments, the more it is apparent that you are just better than her. The manner in which you've handled this demonstrates how strong you are as a person.

You figured out what happened and took care of business to overcome the adversity you are facing. Emily faced adversity and took the easy way out, demonstrating how weak she is. How would she handle a job loss, or an illness, or any of the other myriads of things that married people WILL encounter? Now you have your answer.

No doubt Matt's wife has probably already spoken with her. You being sighted might prompt her to spend more time with Matt's wife to try and get a line on you. A conversation with Emily at this point provides absolutely no value to you. You know what you need to know, everything she needs to know is in the note you already left. It's what it is.

I know you're in the thick of it now, but I am completely confident when you get on the other side of this thing you will be shocked at how much better your life will be. Just ball out at work, keep up the gym, and do fun stuff. You're young and got crap going for you. You'll be a target for the ladies when you decide its time.

Trick-ok-478902 said:

Your friends need to get crap from their SOs for drinking when they knew you would be sober. Glad you had fun and also glad you are taking a step back from the internet. As to the comments you received, I would anticipate that many, many people will be pushing hard to get you two back together. This is a natural reaction to any breakup by many.

However, it will be more pronounced here, given that you and Emily were first and onlies for so long. People probably viewed you as the idyllic couple and that ending is something they will not be able to take. Something like: “if they fell apart, what does that mean for the rest of us”? Be prepared. The onslaught will come.

A question - you mention here that Bev and her husband are Emily’s friends first and foremost. How did Emily meet Bev and how long have they been friends? More detail about the relationship between Bev and Emily would be insightful. As well as the relationship between Bev’s husband and you and Emily, respectively. It is curious that they would primarily be Emily’s friends when you and Emily were together so long.

FlygonosK said:

Hey OP nice to heart you had a man night out (hahaha, that sounded weird LoL), and have fun and continue to do so on Sunday. I'm glad that your friends supports you as well as Jim's wife, might as well any info given to Matt could be leaked thru his wife to Emily, but I think he will control his wife in that matter.

Glad to hear that Johns wife contacted your lawyer but I would have expected to hear that she had more to say, but well, let give her time. About your MIL potentially cover for Emily I doubt unless she is a good actress, this based on how she acted based on your words in the last post, specially on Christmas.

But who know, maybe time would tell, also by the reactions of your FIl and BIL in the scolding they did to Emily (you mentioned this on your last post) assume this. You are doing great by not wanting to know about her and is she is struggling she made this to herself.

Also if you know she isn't on your home, and if i remember correctly that house is on your Fathers name, why don't you move there and change looks instead to move to a AirBnB? or do you not wanna live there anymore? Good luck OP.

Common-Warning-9369 said:

Well done, you spent the weekend with your friends; the first step to move on in your life. It will be nice if Matt's wife would report this to your ex-wife: that you are fine, maybe not the happiest man on the world, but you are moving on without indulging in inappropriate behavior (in fact you were the only sober one).

She should say to her that you have closed the chapter of your life where your ex-wife was the main actress and opened a new one where you are the only main character. She also should say that you have briefly described what happened, without going into detail or showing weaknesses...

...and that you are convinced of your decision to divorce; a difficult decision, matured in the weeks you spent finding objective evidences of her betrayal and therefore considered. Not born out of emotions and anger of the moment.

Maybe you should talk to Matt to get this message to your ex-wife, so, maybe, she will grant your desire to have an easy and quick divorce, knowing that now she is in your rearview mirror.

P.S. I find it strange that John's wife didn't even bother to thank you for taking the time to inform her. I would have expected that, after almost 2 weeks, she would have contacted you to get some more information, directly from you (e.g. how you found out, what made you suspicious, if what she saw at the lawyer's is everything or there is more, share what she found out. etc.)