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Man's friend banned from home because his grieving process is 'creepy.' AITA?

Man's friend banned from home because his grieving process is 'creepy.' AITA?


"AITA for telling my fiancée that my friend’s trauma is more important than her comfort?"

My best friend lost a parent a year and a half ago which led him to a mental health crisis. Our friend group has been picking up the pieces ever since. He's doing much better now that he's in therapy, but he's definitely gone through it.

What has complicated matters worse is my fiancée. It goes without saying that I love her, but she is the definition of a busybody sometimes. My best friend is a very private person. She knows something happened with him, but she doesn't know the details of what that something is.

She probably never will. But because she's around me and my friends often as my fiancée and I live in the same house, she hears bits and pieces of the story and presses for more information.

I try to circumvent this as best as I can - for example, I step out of the room for specific phone conversations. But still, it's hard to limit the discussion about it sometimes. If it’s necessary we bring it up and she’s around in person, we’ll refer to the 'Nolan situation' without giving specifics.

Nolan will also stop by my place at night when he can't sleep. This doesn't happen all that often - maybe twice a month. He'll text me or call me saying he's outside, I'll go sit with him and maybe smoke a little bit, then he'll head home. I'll wait up until I know he got home safely, then I go back to sleep.

My fiancée hates this. She claims the phone calls always wake her up - they don't, she just sometimes happen to wake up for the bathroom while I'm outside - and that me not being in bed is alarming.

This brings us to last night. Nolan stopped by and when I came back inside, my fiancée said she was 'putting a stop to it.' She said all the sneaking around is making her paranoid that it was creepy, she doesn't feel like she can properly trust me or be a part of my friend group without knowing the details, and that Nolan needs to stop relying on me so much.

I told her that no matter whether we're married, dating, whatever, she will never have any ownership over my friend's trauma, and that she was never going to be able to order me around in regards to it.

I also said her comfort was less important than someone’s actual physical well-being. She was obviously hurt by this and went to stay with her mom after work today. AITA?

Let's find out.

mamabird1993 writes:

YTA Imagine everyone code talking around you, your fiancé stepping out to take phone calls, and having secret meet-ups in the middle of the night that you can’t ask about. Being excluded and made to wonder to that degree would make anyone crazy. If she came here I’d tell her to leave you immediately.

firelark6 writes:

It's not kind of weird, it's really f**** weird. To the point that I don't even believe OP. You're telling me your friend is still waking you up in the middle of the night a couple times a week to be comforted a year and a half after the loss? And you haven't pushed your friend into intensive therapy over it?

You're just letting him freely use you as an emotional crutch at his convenience instead of dealing with his emotions in a healthy manner that doesn't impose on his friends?

You're just cool with this, and it doesn't strike you as deeply alarming? And you don't understand at all why your fiancee is disturbed by all this, much less why she's upset about all the secrecy? What the actual F is even going on here?! Which one of them are you marrying, OP?

interestinggear6 writes:

OP YTA If you do not have more faith, trust, and respect in your fiance than this, you need to call off your wedding. You need to recognize the situation IS creating a barrier between you.

Does your friend circle actually like her or do they just tolerate her? One way or another, without you, your friend circle, and to some extent Nolan do not stop ostracizing her, your relationship is doomed.

Looks like OP is a major major AH. What can he do to repair the damage?

Sources: Reddit
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