'AITA for not telling my wife to tone down her dancing at our wedding?'
When this groom feels embarrassed, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for not telling my wife to tone down her dancing at our wedding?'
My wife (29F) and I (29M) got married last weekend. We’ve been together since first year of uni and got married on the 10 year anniversary of the day I asked her to be my girlfriend. We’ve grown up together, got through thick and thin and I know there is no one else I want to spend my life with.
For context, my wife is half Spanish and we incorporated a lot of Spanish traditions into our wedding. It also meant that, with all her family there, the reception turned into quite the party.
I was pretty tired after dancing for a while so I went to sit and talk with my family whilst my wife kept dancing with her cousins and friends.
After a bit of chatting, my mum and aunt essentially told me that they weren’t too pleased with my wife’s dancing to songs like “Low” and “SexyBack,” saying that her slut drops and “wiggling her bottom like that” weren’t appropriate on her wedding day and were disrespectful to me.
To be honest, I didn’t see anything wrong with the way she was dancing - it was nothing more than I think any person would dance to songs like that in the club when they were having fun and had a couple drinks - and I told them as such.
They said I should tell her to tone it down, but she was having fun with her friends and I didn’t see anything gratuitous about it, nor was she super drunk, so I told her it wasn't my place. We ended up wrapping up the party soon afterwards anyway.
The morning after, we had breakfast with my family and my aunt mentioned to my wife that she was pleased that I eventually got her to “tone down the fiesta.” My wife asked what she meant by that and my mum told her about the conversation from last night (my wife has told me about this, I was talking to my dad and uncle at the time and didn’t hear).
My wife apologised but was then very quiet for the rest of the day, and when we left the hotel she was very upset with me, saying I should have told her that she had offended my family and that she was humiliated that I hadn’t told her anything about it on the night, like my aunt had assumed.
I was sorry that she was humiliated but I was not sorry that I hadn’t told her to tone it down, because in my opinion she didn’t do anything wrong.
She still thinks I should have just told her because now she won't have a good relationship with her in-laws (she doesn’t have a good one with her parents). I’m mad at my mum and aunt and want them to apologise to us, but she refuses to bring it up with them and wants to apologise again to them when they come over this weekend.
I want to stand up for her because I think they're being incredibly rude, but she doesn't want that, she just wants to mend bridges. She's still upset with me because I don't see it her way and because I'm not sorry that I didn't tell her. So AITA?
Let's find out.
lellyya writes:
You and your wife are NTA. Your family is so controlling and rude that when going to you didn't work, they told her to her face that she danced provocatively and pretended you did what they told you. This needs to stop immediately. You need to stand up for her and give them serious consequences. Otherwise, they will continue this throughout your relationship.
echophonex writes:
Yeah, your wife was not disrespectful to you. Your family was disrespectful to your wife. They put you in a really shitty position--I can see why your wife might wish you'd told her and now she's upset, but if you had told her she likely would have been upset then and I can understand why you wanted to keep that bs away from her and make sure she had fun at her wedding.
It was shitty of them to say to you, and even more shitty of them to say to her. I understand that your wife is nervous about having a good relationship with your family, but honestly if they're being this dickish to her at the wedding it doesn't seem enormously likely the relationship will be very good anyway. That sucks, but it's their fault not hers.
At the end of the day the relationship that matters most is the one between the two of you. I think you made the right call personally, but you shouldn't invalidate her feelings now. In my opinion you should say something along the lines of this:
'I think my family was totally wrong to judge you for dancing with your friends and having fun on our wedding day, and I only didn't tell you about it because I didn't agree with their opinion so I didn't think it mattered. I understand you are worried about your relationship with them and so if you want me to tell you things like that in the future then I will.
But in my opinion they are the ones who should be worried about maintaining a good relationship with you, as you are the most important person in my life and your happiness is my top priority.'
candidcresent writes:
NTA. I am proud of how you handled the situation but mostly for not ruining the fun your wife was having. Your wife tho needs to unlearn to accept that kind of sexism just because she wants to have a good relationship with her in-laws or anyone for that matter. The fact your mom and aunt sexualized her dancing at her own freaking wedding is disgusting and sounds like a THEM problem.