Dad keeps daughter's sexual orientation secret for 3 years; mom finds out, is furious.
When this husband is concerned that he made a mistake, he asks Reddit:
'AITA for keeping a three year long secret from my wife because our daughter asked me to?'
Three years ago our daughter was 12 and came to me because she had developed feelings for another girl at school. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was going through, but realized she never had interest in boys.
We spoke, she later determined on her own, she is a lesbian. She asked me not to tell anyone, I respected her wishes and wanted her to feel completely in control.
Fast forward to now, she’s 15 and in a relationship which I was the only one in the family that knew. She determined recently it was her time to come out. Just after doing so I immediately sat my wife down to discuss the issue with her parents.
I’d prefer if we could all act as if they fell off the face of the earth, but that’s not going to happen. She is very different from them, they don’t see eye to eye on much. However, my wife is very open and tells all. I love her honesty, and she really is the best communicator I know.
That comes with drawback though. Part of the reason our daughter asked me to keep this a secret until she was ready, well that was because of her mom.
We knew by telling her, she would make a huge announcement to the family, Facebook and probably put it on a billboard (kidding). My wife agreed not to tell her parents seeing that they would cause our daughter pain based on how they are full of hatred towards anyone that doesn’t fit in their shoebox.
To my utter shock, they don’t know a thing as even my wife’s sisters know but haven’t told them either.
However, my wife is very upset I had gone 3 years keeping this secret from her. She’s not upset with our kid, but with me. She says only dysfunctional families keep secrets from each other.
She feels like an outcast, as if my daughter and I have a relationship that doesn’t involve her. She feels her honesty all these years have led to her being disrespected and disregarded. Her behavior has made our child feel bad, that’s the last thing I wanted.
I’ll admit though, I did feel like I was hiding something every time I drove my daughter and her girlfriend on a date. Referring to her only in front of my wife as the friend and not the girlfriend also seemed wrong to me.
Nonetheless, this is what my daughter wanted. She wanted to come out on her own terms, she wasn’t ready for everyone to know. Had I told my wife and she let it out, my daughter would have never trusted me again. I feel like I did right by my daughter, but not by my wife. AITA?
Let's find out.
fitmk writes:
NTA. You don't out people without their permission, period. In this case you were put in kind of an awkward position and I understand how your wife feels, but if you had told her without your daughter's permission that would have been wrong.
malady writes:
My dad is like OP. He's always been someone I can trust with anything. I love my mom, but nothing stays a secret with her. Your daughter needs someone she can wholeheartedly trust, and I could not be happier that that person for me is my dad. I love him so much. NTA.
marvelnut6 writes:
Agreed. Our daughter came out to me first, at 14, and asked me not to tell her Dad until she was ready for him to know.
When she realized her coming out made no difference in our relationship and I reassured her my husband would feel the same way, she gave me permission to tell him; in our case, the time difference was about 48 hours.
No issues arose, ever. After I told him they went out for a bike ride and had a long talk by the river - without me. Our relationships with each other all have their different dynamics, something we all value as that makes different conversations possible. NTA, OP.