When this husband is annoyed with his wife, he asks Reddit:
When my wife and I married, we had decided that she would be a SAHM. She is Russian and has gone no contact with her family since around the time we got married since they are alcoholics. She came here as a student. We have a 5 year old daughter.
Our arrangement was that I gave her an allowance for buying anything she wanted for herself and then I paid for other expenses that we both agree on. I make more than enough for all of us.
It has always been a point of contention and she wanted me to increase her allowance. Sometimes when we disagree on a purchase like a toy for our daughter, she will use her allowance to get it then expect me to reimburse her allowance for it. Additionally she wants to buy expensive makeup and use it even for just going out to see friends casually.
Recently since our daughter started school, she has started doing a few gig jobs like dog walking. I was not for it but I can't stop her from doing what she wants. However the time she spends doing that, means that she has less time to be a SAHM, so I told her recently that I expect her to pay for the house expenses proportionally to what she earns.
She disagreed and I said I could just reduce her allowance in that case as she now earns. She got quite angry with me and we fought, things seem better now but sometimes I feel she is still a little upset. She used some minor things against me like the few times I asked her for money as I did not have change for small purchases.
Was I the AH here? I think it is only fair to change the arrangement now that she works. I get it I am an AH. I know I have controlling restrictions on her. We rushed into marriage for her visa issues as she could not find a job and hence married me. I always intended to lessen them once I trusted her and I realize I really do. My dad insisted I be careful because of what people say about Russian brides.
She has an Ivy degree in physics and I know her dream is to be in science, I will talk to her if she still wants to get a masters or try getting jobs again now that she has permanent residence. And I will tell her to just use the shared account for any expenses as long as it is not like a $1000 expense. AITA?
YTA - she's your wife, not a roommate. Is your allowance the same amount as hers? I'm a SAHM and work part time. All the money goes into our account and we sit down and do a budget every month. We each have our own account that we move personal spending money to each week. It's the same amount for both of us.
YTA. This all seems like pretty textbook financial abuse. She is supposed to be your partner. You are essentially paying her to be your wife and homemaker. She was obviously more vulnerable to this sort of abuse since you chose someone without family to help her.
What do you know about make up? Women are under a lot of pressure to keep up appearances and lets not kid ourselves, youd be here posting about how you are mad she is letting herself go if she wasnt. You dont have a wife or want a wife, you desire a house keeper who will sleep with you. Hopefully she is stashing her earnings away so she can leave you.
YTA. You seem controlling. If your daughter is in school she isn't taking tike away from being a SAHM. Your wife should be allowed to make a small amount of pocket money without you controlling it. If you agreed to apportion an amount for her personal spending you should continue to give that to her.
She should be able to spend her money on anything she likes; even makeup to go out with friends. If you can afford to pay the bills comfortably, the only thing asking her to pay proportionally to her dog walking money will be to endure she has even less money of her own. Let the woman have some autonomy and money of her own that you don't constantly scrutinize.