'I (24F) am at the end of my rope with my wife (27F)...' UPDATED
[deleted] sa"I (24F) am at the end of my rope with my wife (27F)..."
This is a hard post to write, forgive me. I have been the primary support for my wife since I was disowned for being gay four years ago. She got me a bus ticket; for that, I’m infinitely grateful.
I feel like I have watched her decay in front of me. Either that, or she’s always been like this and I just became more cognizant of it. I thought she had depression; she eventually went to the hospital in 2017 for suicidal tendencies. We got married in 2018 thinking things would be better. But it hasn’t gotten better.
She will stay on her laptop all day and only get up to use the restroom or have lunch with a friend. She shares the trite self-help posts and drums up support and attention online. All of my friends here know her, and knew her first.
On the outside, we look happy together. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with her outside the house. I fell in love with her for a reason, we mesh well intellectually and have a great time together.
The logistics of living with her fill me with dread and resentment. She does not help with house cleanliness or chores at all, and either willfully refuses or cannot comprehend putting things into trash cans. She will leave things like takeout trash on surfaces for months.
The bedroom looks like a level 3 hoard; there’s no visible floor and the tallest parts of the refuse are at least at my hip joint. The rest of the apartment is less bad but still not good.
She tells me that she can’t get or keep a job because of her emotional state but tells me that the psychiatrist believes her depression is situational, primarily based on her weight, and refuses to prescribe anything for it.
She is obese. I am also, even more than she is according to BMI. Her mobility is compromised and she doesn’t seem that concerned about it. This scares the crap out of me.
My wife’s life plan currently entails at least 13 additional years of not contributing financially. This would be one thing if she was trying to be a doctor, but she’s not. She wants to have kids and raise them as a stay-at-home parent for six years after getting a four year degree, and get her masters after that.
Now, I am not saying a stay-at-home mom doesn’t contribute to the health of the family. My wife is not currently contributing now and we don’t have children. Frankly, the proposition of raising children with this woman given current factors gives me angina. I already feel like her caretaker. Why would I want to add a child to this?
The current situation is that I have finally broken out of menial jobs, but I need to move. A part of that is cleaning out the apartment to get ready to leave. We agreed to have it done by June 1. That deadline came and went. I told her that it needed to be done by July 1 at the absolute latest.
I reminded her about the deadline every time we brought up the move. She told me to stop nagging her on the 10th, so I did. It is now the 22nd, and she has only taken three bags out of the 40 that it most likely needs, and the only reason she did that was because I was pissed on our anniversary with how I’ve felt like a pack mule for years.
It is 9 days away from the deadline, and I can’t take this anymore. I can’t keep setting expectations and having them ignored or railroaded. I can’t stand watching her care so little about my needs. I know that I should wait until July 1 to be fair to her, but I’m so hurt.
I can’t keep baring my soul, working all the time, and maintaining a house for two people while I’m going through my own crap. I have a severe mental health condition that I keep in check with medication typically and my wife told me she needed the money for something that, in hindsight, was ridiculous. That was the beginning of February. It’s going to be July in 9 days.
The thing that hurts the most is that she says the right things. She knows what to say. She doesn’t do any of them more than once. A friend from college has volunteered to take me in while crap hits the fan. I’m scared of what my wife would do if I tried to leave.
She talks a lot about her low self-esteem and how I’m the only thing keeping her going. She has been hospitalized before for these thoughts. I feel so much guilt. I know intellectually that I can’t be the one who wants to live enough for the both of us. I can’t be the only one working towards progress. I will literally combust if I have to continue doing this.
Divorce is ugly as a legal process, but I don’t think I can keep going on like this. My wife is behaving like an addict. Maybe she is addicted to the internet and to her societal perception. That’s for a smarter person than I (with a license) to figure that out.
What do I do? Wait until the first? Just pack a bag and get out? My friend says this is toxic behavior, but I feel wrong using that term knowing that there are abused women on the streets. My wife doesn’t seem to think I’m serious about the July 1 deadline. Thank you for reading.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
stefaniey said:
First: big hugs if you want them. You've been taken advantage of for a long time and she's made you think you deserve it, whether she intended to or not. Your wife isn't going to change unless she wants to.
She has no reason to because you haven't followed through. Even if she changes, it doesn't mean it's fixed or that you should stay. The effect of this relationship on you will be long-lasting as you rebuild yourself.
My advice would be: get your stuff and your stuff only ready for departure on July 1. Make sure you have all your vital documents and paperwork dropped off at your friends house ASAP and then pack up whatever else belongs to you.
You can leave before July 1. You're allowed to be at the end of your rope with this behavior, it's not fair on you. If she says anything about self harm, call the police for a welfare check. If she's serious, she will be kept safe. If she's manipulating you, a 72 hour hold will teach her that it's not okay to lie about these things.
joangalt321 said:
She is an adult woman acting like a child. It's not fair to you that she's pulling the mental health card to get out of doing her share of work. If she's home all day, there's NO REASON she can't help out. I think she is being extremely selfish and not thinking of you or your needs at all. You have needs too.
I understand you're worried about her, but you've tried communicating with her and she's not complying. It would be in your best interest to leave this relationship and focus on your own needs getting met. You deserve a partner who listens to you, and puts you first.
Well first of all I am sorry this is happening to you. Second the psychiatrist/doctor is dumb, and should prescribe her something to help because "oh go outside and get some fresh air" isn't helpful or a solution for depression. Third what she is doing is not fair to you. I have days where I do not get out of bed from depression and I still work to pay my bills etc
Fourth you have put her first for a very long time, you need to look after yourself too! You have your own mental stuff to deal with that she isnt helping with. And god the idea of having kids like this is ridiculous, how can she handle being a stay at home mom to a kid if she cant do dishes or clean up after herself?
Fifth is I cant speak for her mental condition, but threatening suicide is a tactic abusers use to get you to stay. I know some psychos that have done this. And they never do. Either they get their ex back or they find someone else to leech off of.
I know of one guy that called his gf, told her to come over NOW when she was 2 hours away at work, and faked an emergency 20 mins before she got back. You need to put yourself first, she's probably not going to do anything, even if she does it would not be your fault for leaving.
AMerrickanGirl said:
Ending a marriage is never easy, but this is an untenable situation for you and you’re being hugely taken advantage of, and I think you know that she’s not going to honor the July 1 deadline. Hoarding is a mental and progressive illness so it’s not just a matter of her throwing away the junk.
I usually suggest couples counseling, but in this situation I don’t think that’s going to help because her issues go too deep and I don’t think she is capable of changing right now without major individual counseling to address the hoarding and lack of initiative. It’s ok to leave. Maybe she’ll get the help she needs after that and maybe she won’t, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
anubis_cheerleader said:
I am giving you permission to leave her. Let your friends help with the move. Let a cleaning service help. Let your wife lean on the support system she has already built. Of course she will be hurt. But if it's suspected her depression is situational, it sounds like she isn't taking ANY baby steps to improve her situation.
Cmogolowfoyo said:
She is clearly taking advantage of you. I'm sorry you have to live like that. And for her to basically threaten you if you two were to ever split up with suicide or something similar is very wrong. I had a friend once stay with his gf bc she said if he broke up with her, she'd kill herself. They are both happily married now to different people.
She is doing all of this because she can. It's time for you to do what's best for you. You shouldn't have to live in absolute filth and work your butt off so someone else can sit on the computer all day having their ego stroked by internet friends.
UPDATE:
I didn’t leave July 1. I left the night of June 30. The cleaning didn’t get done, surprising literally no one. We were driving to our apartment and I told her that I was really crestfallen about July 1.
“Why? Is that a bad date for you or something?” I was furious, but kept it to myself. I told her how I felt, and I reminded her of my deadline. I told her that I was moving out and that I was done.
She cried and cried and cried, and begged for a week to clean the apartment to “show that she was committed to this marriage”. I said that she was free to do it, but I wasn’t going to sleep there during that, and I moved in with my friend. We agreed to reassess the condition of the apartment Sunday morning. She told me how spiritually edifying it was to clean. I was really optimistic for a bit.
Wednesday comes and my FIL calls me, frantic. He’s like a dad to me. He tells me that my wife emailed him (which she never talks to him unless she has to), and I asked why. He told me that she begged him to tell me to ‘come back home’. He remarked that it was bizarre, but I was incensed. “No, FIL, it’s not bizarre, it’s crappy. She’s trying to leverage you though our relationship to get me back.”
Saturday comes and she sends me a message on Facebook saying “you know, it doesn’t look as good as I wanted it to physically, but I feel like I’ve made a lot of progress emotionally and isn’t that what matters?”
I told her that such progress would have been appreciated two years ago, but I had to walk- I couldn’t do it any more. She spent money online with our card without informing me on yarn and we had a disagreement about it. I told her that I wanted the bank account closed, but she “couldn’t bear to see me in person." I redirected my checks to a new account instead.
It had been weeks and I finally went back to get my things and it got a lot worse. There was a water leak in the carpet, the litter boxes weren’t taken care of since I took care of them the day I left, and she managed to move the microwave into her bedroom.
The latter was particularly surprising because she refused to move anything heavier than 10 lbs because of a cited rotator cuff injury for years and yet got a 40 lbs microwave into her room.
I reported the conditions to my MIL, who co-signed the lease with us. She called me back to bemoan “what am I going to do about my daughter? You don’t understand how hard it is to have to think about how to take care of her!”
I snapped at MIL about her nonsense. She asked me what she should do about my ex-wife, feeding her histrionic personality. I told her that I had no idea, but she signed papers 27 years ago that made it her responsibility and not mine.
I’m happily living with my friend. Her and I are currently figuring out what we are, but we’re being supportive of each other and making each other lives easier. We both just celebrated birthdays (happy quarter-century!) and that was perfect. I’ve been told that my ex-wife has had a much more rigid and stoic affect since I left. MIL told me that she didn’t even say she missed me. “It’d be nice if she came back.”
I heard from FIL that they’re mad that the car I have is in my name; it was given to me as a graduation present, and was an old family car. I start my new job tomorrow. I’ve been getting ready all last week and I am so nervous but so excited. I’m really glad I left.
NOTE: I made this clarification in the comments, but it needs to be said - I was estranged from my friend when I got with my wife. I was disowned for being gay by my family and had to immediately leave college and sought refuge with my ex-wife, and my friend and I fell out of contact.
We got into contact again this year when I was interviewing for jobs in the area where she lived, not knowing that she was there. I’m trying to figure out how we’re going to be roommates in the long-term, and for how long, etc. Logistics.
Here's what people had to say about the update:
feedyourhalien said:
You need to close the bank account you own jointly. If she overdraws and doesn’t pay, you will be just as responsible even if you didn’t make the charges! It only takes one person to close a bank account so you shouldn’t need to get her there.
donadee said:
Can you call animal control for the cats? Good for you for moving on! Best of luck.
[deleted] said:
“Currently figuring out what we are” Be careful op if you are still legally married in case your wife somehow finds out until the divorce is settled. Depending on what state you’re in and what you both agreed on (doesn’t sound like your wife agreed), it might have ramifications despite the clear hoarder situation.
goshyarnit said:
Good for you OP! This hit hard for me - I'm 9 months in on therapy for hoarding. It is a hard fight with my own brain every dang day, but I WANTED to change and be better. It's a huge rock to crawl out from under and I hope your ex can do that for herself, because it seems like she was just trying to drag you under the rock too. You deserve a good life. I wish you all the happiness in the world.
MadamOverlordess said:
Really happy that you're moving forward with your life and not letting her hold you back. Stay strong, friend!
[deleted] said:
Congrats on making the break. Best of luck to you on your new life and new job!